Now I Believe in Magic....and Moments with Maggie

Oh, I believe in Magic

You see that?

EXACTLY

That VOID of color, of red artwork is a BEAUTIFUL thing my friends.

THAT would be a WHITE door, no painting required.

Which makes me:

Happy!

And keeps this guys bum bum safe from a smack smack!

hee hee

HOORAY FOR THE MAGIC ERASER!!!

It really is MAGIC.

So thank you all for your suggestions.

And bi-polar...you should look into it.

Add a little water, a littler elbow grease, and we're good to go.

Ok, won't lie.....the floor scribbles are still just that.  The eraser did not remove those.  So, any other suggestions for the vinyl?

Alright, now I have some funny Maggie moments.

Yesterday morning while I was getting ready (or perhaps sitting on the throne, you decide) Max and Maggie were playing in the bathroom, going in and out the door.

One particular time Maggie went out and Max took it upon himself to lock the door.

Screaming and crying and SCREAMING ensued.  Maggie was beside herself that Max would lock her out.  She DEMANDED that he open the door this instant.

He really was trying to unlock it, bu couldn't quite figure it out.

Then she was kicking the door and yelling.
I in turn was yelling back that kicking wasn't solving anything, and Max was trying, and if she kicked the door again so help me she was gonna get a something.

JUST in the knick of time he got it unlocked.  Proudly proclaiming.."I did it, I DID it."

The door opened, a wild eyed Maggie standing there looks at Max and says.

"Max, MAX why did you do that?"

Then she puts her hands on his shoulders lowers her face to his and says

"Max, TALK TO ME!"  "WHY did you lock that door?"

Then she kneels on the ground in front of him, hands still on his shoulders and continues to repremand him and demand answers.

Of course he had nothing to say, though I'm sure his inner dialogue went a little something like this:

"Srsly Maggie, you should CHILL out.  It was an assident!  Gotta go play...what? are you STILL talking to me?"

Of course all was well soon enough and they were back on their merry playing way.

And I got a good morning chuckle.

Lately, she will NOT go to bed without yelling out,

"Mommy, I forgot to tell you a secret."

I come back, she insists it must be IN MY EAR.

I lean down, she waits and then says in a whisper

"Ummmm, I LOVE YOU."

Then I get to tell her I love her back.

Then Max pipes up from his crib....

"I secret, I secret."

So, I lean my ear over the side of the crib, and he whispers up

"your ear"

I smile, say I love him too and leave.

I LOVE THOSE MOMENTS

This afternoon on our way home from picking Maggie up from preschool, Max did something and Maggie, laughing, said:

"Max you are di-larious"

I asked her..."what did you just say?"

And she repeated...
"Max is DI-LARIOUS" hahaha (meaning hilarious, which I thought truly WAS hilarious)

We've had to resort to bribery for Maggie to wipe her butt, as she thinks it's completely unnecessary and beneath her.

So, we have "potty gum".  If she actually wipes after peeing, or allows me to wipe her after # 2 then she gets "potty gum."

So she will proudly come out from the bathroom and say

"okayyyyy, I wiped, now give me some potty gum."

OR

She'll yell from the bathroom...

"I just made a HUUUGE poop, come and see it Mommy, it's HUGE!"

Who couldn't be proud of THAT?

Last night I was kissing her goodnight and she pulled her head back and said

"You're lips are GROSS."

I asked why.

She said

"They're just GROSS Mommy."

Well that sucks!

These days when I pick her up from school and ask what she did, her immediate response is

"NUFFING, I didn't do anyfing!"

OR

I had a little snack and I played.

So today when I picked her up, she was rather dirty.

I noted her messed up look and said, Maggie, how'd you get so dirty.

She seriously, in the most annoyed, teenagery way said

"I PLAYED."

Like I was the stupidest woman EVER for asking such an obvious question.

My bad!

Wanna know what doesn't suck.....

Having a totally funny, smart, sassy 3 year old that keeps me on my toes ALL DAY every day!  She is trying, that is for sure.  But, she also tells me a WHOLE lot that she loves me, and that I'm her best friend.  And those times make up for the sass.

White doors and silly girls,

Allyson

It's called PERMANENT for a reason......A Mommy S.O.S

Shoulda known things weren't gonna be great today.  Just shoulda known.  Yesterday was all accomplished, happy children, good times.  That HAD to mean today we were in for trouble.  When will I EVER learn.

Now I'm just gonna go ahead and admit something here that might shock a few people.  I sort of suck at this whole Mom thing.  I know, there are a few of you out there that foolishly think I'm all great at it.  Well, I'm not.  See, I just believe that kids have to be kids and they have to learn sometimes the hard way.  I don't believe in coddling them at all, ummm, ever.  And, I also believe that when I need to get ready for the day, well, I just need to get ready.  SO, turn on the TV to "kids show" and let what happens, happen.  It's the risk I'm willing to take so I don't look like a pile of crap, unshowered, unmake-upped and un dressed.  Anyway, for the most part, aside from toy messes and a few screaming matches, things go just fine.  Yes, sometimes a kid gets hurt when the other kids punches them or sits on them or whatever, and occasionally a crayon goes haywire on the table or some wall.  But these things are all easily remedied.

I've learned a thing or two about how to safely let them be, and for minimal damage to be done.  Not the least of which is....

Never EVER leave the chairs down.  This is how my kitchen chairs live 90% of the time.  This morning, I was momentarily retarded and left them down.  My bad.

Because a certain little someone likes to drag them where e'r he may go and get things, whether it be to the sink to "wash" his hands (read, flood the kitchen) or to retrieve these items:

He is obsessed with the flyswatter and with the "colors" pencils, pens, etc. to be found in our claendar holder. (Yes, if you look closely you DO see shows written on the calendar and their premier dates.  THAT would be Jer, NOT me)

And really, it doesn't matter putting the chairs up, because he's learned, if he REALLY wants it, he'll just drag his highchair over or the piano bench and get what he's after.  Little stinker.

So, this morning as I'm getting ready to get in the shower, and Jere is just getting dressed we hear the kids at our door.  Maggie then begins to loudly proclaim, Mommy Mommy, Max is drawing on the door.  He's doing something bad.  Here again, the "I am a sucky Mom" part.  I just said, ok, we'll get there in a minute.  'Cause c'mon, he's done the crayons and pens and pencils thing before.  It washes off, no reason to get your panties in a twist over it. (I'd like to add, for the record, Maggie never ONCE drew on a wall or floor, EVER)

But then, Jer opened the door, and I hear "OH NO, OH NO, this is BAAAD!" "Allyson, get over here now and look at this."

Wouldn't you know it....that little shit found the ONE red sharpie and created some pretty artwork on our door.

You better believe he got his bum bum thrown in a time out.   Too bad I don't have a picture of his big crocodile tears for the unjustness of that one.  When I went in and asked him why he was in time out, he cocked his head to the right and pointed at my door and said "Dooor!"  Yep, that's right, you little stink butt!

It's definitely called PERMANENT for a reason!

This is me NOT happy with the discovery, and helpfully pointing out his work.

I went to work immediately on that stuff.  I used my magic cleaner, it did NOTHING but smear red all over the door.  But that stuff isn't budging.

So I'm sending out an S.O.S ladies.  There are a lot of you out there, all better Moms than me, I'M SURE!  Is there even ANY way to remove stupid magic marker from doors, OH and from the kitchen floor (yeah, found those drawings later)? If so, please give me your helpful hints.  'Cause this bad Mama does NOT want to have to paint the door.  I HATE painting doors.

Add to this "disaster" a non stop crying train from Brooklyn over everything today, and Maggie getting pushed by Brooklyn during their "play" on the couch (whilst I was getting ready) and severely bruising her nose.  Like, visible bruise on her nose.  And constant fighting over EVERYTHING, and Max throwing ANYTHING he could get his hands on behind the couch, around the house, etc.  It's just not been my favorite day.

So, I took them to play with my parents puppies, as IF they deserved this. Pshaw!

Brooklyn looking like an orphaned hippy child.

Maggie who INSISTS on holding a puppy, but ONLY if someone else will pick it up and place it in her arms.  MUST be in/on her arm.  She won't use both hands to hold it.  She's so random.

Then there's this fearless kid.  Pick them up, throw them down, squeeze them love them.

Even though he's the biggest, naughtiest booger there is....you just can't help but love that face.

He's permanently mine, and I'm ok with that.

Marker tracks and time outs,

Allyson

Sophmore tales of the lunchtime loser.

First of all I was pissed that I had to give up Acapella the choir of greatness at one school to be in nothing but the stinky Sophomore mixed choir at another.  Silly Mr. Harris didn't recognize my "musical genius" and wouldn't put me in Honor Choir.  My irritation was compounded by the fact that that "freakin" (mind you I did NOT know this girl at all, AND she's totally my friend and she's GREAT) Janelle Tingey got to be in Honor Choir as a sophomore.  WHATEVER!

Then add to that  that Karen (long time besty) had a DIFFERENT lunch period than me. What the what?  I was left stranded in sea of strangers.  Trust me, this school belonged to people who came from Carson and Kino Jr. Highs.  The few that straggled over from my original Powell were there but not there if you know what I mean.  So, I was feeling A-LOOONE.

For the first month or so Eric very "graciously" let me tag along at lunch time.  Usually we went to this pizza place on Country Club that offered all kinds of prizes when you spun the wheel.  Or we went home, or to Krazy Sub.  Whatever the case, it would be Eric, Merlin, usually Rob, Loren and Randy, sometimes Steve or Chris as well,  all squeezed into the suburban and off we went. I was an annoyance to their retarded boy teenager-ness. Imagine all the studs of the school, student council leaders, football stars, hotties and then this random chubby girl straggling behind.  Yeah, that was ME! 

I tried to find a pic of Eric and his friends, but couldn't.  So, this will have to do.  That's my bro rockin the camo and the #97.  The other two were his VP and Secretary of the Senior Class, with their advisor.

Like i said, he let (and by let I mean my Mom FORCED him or threatened his use of the car I'm sure if he didn't include me) me come and at least I had SOMEONE to eat with. Then I made a friend in Shanna, and she started coming along too.  I'm pretty sure she just wanted to be with all the cool boys, but whatevs.  Shannas coming along didn't last long, 'cause Eric didn't like her and wanted none of it.  So, before I knew it, I was out on the street.  I had no one to eat lunch with. And truth be told, Shanna sort of bugged me too.

This is so sad to write out loud.  BUT, for the next while, I would seriously just go to the library during lunch and hang out, reading or hiding, who knows.  I felt like such a total nerb bomber.  Why had I made this horrible decision?  I could have been with that "damn" Helena Nielson, or Andrea eating lunch at Mesa High.  But no, here I was seriously, stuck, in a library, no friends and to add insult to injury...no lunch for the fat girl.

THEN things started looking up.  I reconnected with my friend Mindy from the Pioneer Trek.  We started hanging out and soon I had an invite to lunch in the cafeteria.  I know right?  The freaking cafeteria.  WHO does that?  Well, we did.  And it was so lovely to not feel alone anymore.  Mindy was one of my dearest friends all through highschool, and I have the Trek to thank for that.  I think at the semester that  Karen and I ended up having the same lunch again, which was a HUGE relief for sure.  But highschool is funny.  Those that you were friends with you sometimes aren't anymore, and those you weren't, sometimes become friends.  Karen and I were always still best friends, but we also each found new groups, and they were very different and independent of eachother. So I just pulled out the trusty journal....apparently there were some issues right off the bat, like Karen had NEW friends and I was NOT pleased from even the summer. 

I was on the swimteam and in reading the journal (man those things are just invaluable, good on me for actually writing in them regularly) I HAD made friends with Heather Young (Hi Heather) and Katie McMichaels and I really liked them, 'cause I wrote about them a lot, and how NICE they were.  I hated being on swim team though.  Because why?  You guessed it, because I was fat and felt uncomfortable.  PLUS, I was forced to swim way longer distances than I had ever done before.  People, I was a sprint swimmer, none of this crap distance stuff.

In the meantime, there I was wasting away in sophomore chorale.  One day, as I was sitting next to Warren Bodine in all his blond blue eyed cuteness I looked over at him and noticed something a bit odd.  I looked a little closer.  "Ummm Warren, is that MAKEUP on your face?"  To which he replied, rather matter of factly. "YES! So what, I use a little concealer and powder.  If girls can do it, why can't I?"  He failed to see how it was fair for girls to cover zits and not guys.  What was I s'posed to say to that?  So I just laughed, and told him he was wierd. He continued to wear his "makeup" so his perfect cuteness would not be disturbed by any blemishes.  I think that little incident bonded us.  Not that we were super besties, but you know, we're still friends to this day.

Say hi to Warren.  See, cute.  This pic was actually taken after we graduated and he came to visit me on my G'pa's farm in PA.  I'll save that story for Senior memories.

Also, in the early part o' the sophomore year, I decided to get all kinds of brave, I mean shoot, if I had no friends, and I was gonna ride on my popular brothers coattails, I may as well GO FOR IT!  So, I decided to run for student council.  I can't even remember the position I was running for, some activities thing.  Anyway....in those days you did your speeches in a huge school assembly, IN FRONT of the whole school.  And by speech I mean, skits, like SNL worthy SKITS.  In mine I was acting like Dr. Ruth and had this whole silly speech to act out.  Let's just say...it didn't go so hot. And "surprisingly" I didn't win. That distinction went to Rand Lesuer. Phlbbt!

FINE, no student council, but it didn't mean I couldn't get involved.  This was to be the 25th anniversary year for my school.  All KINDS o' celebrating at Homecoming.  So, I worked on the class float and did all I could to be involved.  **Take note: This would TOTALLY pay off later.**
Re-reading the journal, it was during float making that I became friends with Janelle Tingey, Jenny Giles, Loreen Lamb, Brent Mason, Nichol Anderson and others.  I wrote in there more than once how happy I felt that I was becoming friends with them.  And we actually hung out.  Though I did write a lot that I questioned my choice in coming to Westwood.  I just wasn't sure if I'd done the right thing.

Our sophomore class float.  Needless to say, we didn't win.

That spec in red is me.  I was being all important and "involved" and on the field during halftime. Such a random picture.

Back in choir...I had now also met JR Wright.  I knew who his older sister was. EVERYONE knew who his older sister was(Hi Jenee, I looove you my friend).  If my brother was popular, she was like in her own orbit popular.  But I digress.  JR was quiet and reserved, but he took an interest in me (and this is a 22 year old memory.  I'm sure my PERSPECTIVE was that he took an interest, that's all)and would talk to me.  He even invited me to a big party that was in the driveways between his house and his cousins.  And when I say big party, I mean HUGE, HUGE party.  Seniors (cause really it was his sisters party) and Juniors there and then some of us sophomores (I'm sure that Janelle was there, hahahaha).  I felt super cool that I got invited. 

Perhaps things weren't gonna be so bad afterall....

Sophomore Stories

SOPHOMORE YEAR

Fall 1987

(Here we have a play on my ever popular "BOB".  For some reason, someone had curled my hair, and I have some more awesome wings going on.  However, I do have to give props my bangs, cause they are AWESOME!  This shirt?  I just really have to wonder what I was thinking.  It's wierd and wrinkly and I got it at like Stewarts+ or Catherines or something lame like that.)

It was Fall, 1987....all things Dirty Dancing and Patrick Swayze were the soundtrack of my life, or of everyones life, who are we kidding.

However, this memory begins in the summer BEFORE my sophomore year.  Because the events of that summer determined the course of my highschool life, and well, perhaps my life really.

As you know, I had gone to Taylor for Jr. high and the highschool it fed into was Mesa High, the alma mater of my parents and my older sister.  At the end of the school year I auditioned for the highest choir at Mesa High.  I intended to go there, to carry on forever more, carry on ye sons and daughters true. What? oh sorry, just busted into a little song.  Anyway...I made the top choir with the great Mr. Garrett, the plan was set.

Now, cut to mid summer.  My ward and one other ward in a different stake were offered an opportunity to go on a Pioneer Trek.  The first ever trek done in AZ.  Hmmm?  Don't know what that is?  Well, essentially it is where you dress in authentic pioneer clothes, and you push/pull handcarts for 3 days, camp out in the open, eat horrible food and basically get to experience what the pioneers did as they walked across the plains of America on their way to Utah. Feel free to click HERE for a better description.  I'm sure this sounds ridiculous and wierd to all my non Mormon friends, but I assure you it is really an eye opening, humbling and cool experience.  BUT, I didn't know it at the time.

When I heard that I would not be allowed to wear any makeup or shower for 3 days, I said a big HELL to the NO to going.  How was I EVER s'posed to survive the humiliation of no makeup and my mall bangs being deflated.  Really people, this is asking too much!!  PLUS I had been offered a weekend babysitting job, making money.  But, my Dad felt it very important that I attend.  He offered to pay me to go...I said, "FINE, I'll DO IT."  UGH!

Long story short, we walked 17 miles in one day.  Ever done that, having not done ANY exercise ever.  How about pushing a handcart up and down hills? Yeah, me EITHER!   But, in the course of my stanking, non make up wearing, deflated bang wearing, under the star sleeping I met some wonderful people.  I made friends that are still friends to this day.  And all of these people went to Westwood.  I also gained a greater appreciation for all I had, and for all that was done for me by the Pioneers.  I was humbled and greatful for the experience.  And you'll be impressed pleased to know that I did not accept the money from my Dad when all was said and done.  I know, I'm so awesome.

It's now a few weeks before school starts.  I got a phone call from that damn Helena Nielson (for the record, I just think it's hilarious to call her that, not that she WAS a bad person....even if she did steal my typing award in 9th grade.) She invited me to come and pick out lockers with "the group" and get stuff for school.  I was so excited to be included.  I went to the local Yellow Front (seriously we had a store called that) and bought my lock, my school supplies and showed up ready for my locker pickin.  I put my lock on my spot, said hello to my friends and then went home.

I don't know what happened, but something changed, and I had doubts in my head.  I began to wonder if I was s'posed to go to Mesa High or Westwood.  I cried about it, I talked to my mom, I worried about it.  What was I s'posed to do?  And WHY was this happening now?

After much discussing, prayer and pros and cons list writing, I finally decided that Westwood is where I was s'posed to go.  Even though I had NO locker friends and I would be giving up the top choir at one school to be in the lowly sophomore choir in another.  WHY?

DEEP BREATH.

My long time best friend was going to Westwood, and some kids from my ward, but other than that, I didn't feel like I had any friends or knew anyone.

To make matters worse...my brother Eric was Senior Class president and was, well, for lack of a better term...he was the shit.  Every girl wanted to be with him, he was VERY popular.  And here I come, chubby, unknown and less than "the shit."  He did NOT appreciate having to drive me to and from school each day, and certainly was NOT a fan of having me tag along at lunch time.  But THAT is another post for another day.

School began and I had to seriously wonder many, MANY times why I made this choice.

To be continued....

I will be so Happy Mommy

Last Saturday night we decided to go over to Porter and Lanas for an impromptu visit.  Actually the kids INSISTED that we get out of the D-A-M house or else.  So, I obliged their request.  I gave P-dawg a ringy ding ding and though he had some plans, Lana was gonna be home and he and the kids would get there later.  So, off we went, but not before a stop off at Jeres academy where none other than Lauren Gottleib of SYTYCD All-Star fame was teaching a master class.  Jere being Jere had already become BFF's with her.  That's just what he does.

Do note his hair is a touch on the "big" side.

Exciting news with Lauren and his studio forthcoming (but not in this blog post, so don't get all excited yet).

Ok, where were we....oh right, Jere, studio, stopping by.

He agreed to meet us out at Lanas after he finished making out hanging out with Lauren.

So, after a stop off for some Subway we finally arrived at their house.  We ate our dinner and visited with Lana, looked at all her Greer pics (WAY better than mine) and waited for Jere to arrive.  He got there about the same time as Porter and the kids.  So now it was an official madhouse.

Jere decided that he really NEEEDED a haircut and talked Lana into giving him one.  She's WAY to nice.  So off they went to her "SAL-on", which if you MUST know is her bathroom.  Yeah, she's real swank like that.

As Jer was getting his haircut, Maggie said to me "I will be real happy if you cut my hair. I won't cry, I will be so nice and be happy."  To which I smiled and said "Mmm hmmm, that's nice dear."(please read that with your best June Cleaver sounding voice.  I thank you.)   But Jeres superhero hearing kicked in and he got all atwitter.  He has wanted to chop Maggies hair off for awhile (I don't understand that and have thus far IGNORED said requests).  BUT, he jumped on her desire and willingness and stoked her fire.  I was not all for a haircut, but maybe just a little trim.

He gathered Maggie up on his lap and said, "NOW, if we cut your hair, Mom will HAVE to do it everyday, and you can't fight her.  Do you promise to let Mommy do your hair EVERYDAY?" She said yes, she would agree to that.  So, next thing I know Jere is throwing her placing her gently into the chair and reassuring her that this is a GREAT idea.

And thus.......Maggie sat down for her first REAL and OFFICIAL haircut.  I mean, more than her bangs trimmed or her mullet fixed.

Jere freshly cut and Maggie all prepped for the moment.

Told you, Lana is SWANKIDY DANKIDY in her glamorous bathroom, Um I mean SALON.

I'll say this...my daughter has FABULOUS hair.  And I'm just grateful for it everyday.  'Cause she did NOT get it from her Mama.

Her first blowdry as well.

She was sooooo pleased with the whole process.

She felt so grownup and cool.

And repeatedly told us how happy she would be.

It was definitely shorter than I had planned. 

But she's still pretty freaking cute.

All in all a successful venture out of our home for one night.

Too bad the next morning started the great barfapalooza of 2010.

However, she has kept her promise, and lets me do her hair everyday with little to no fight.  GLORY BE!

Scissors snips and pinky promises,

Allyson

Look Ma....I'm a big kid

A certain little Bubsy has graduated from sitting in the cart to eat at Costco to sitting at the "BIG" bench with Mommy and Sissy.  He was pretty pleased with this new "position" in life. And he did fairly well at staying in his seat.  Only minimal jumping down and trying to play in the garbage.  Really, Maggie is much worse.

A certain pretty Princess is LOVING school.

I believe we've turned a very important corner.

She is now allowing me to do her hair everyday.

Happily

Helpfuly

Very little attitude.

HALLELUIA!

What.? 

 I had to post a picture of the biggest kid of all!

They all thought they were so funny and cute, laying in Maggies bed together.

In fact, I was "paged" to hurry back to the room and "see this".  I believe Jeres words were "You're gonna want to bring the camera."

So, I'm dutiful like that.

They're silly.

Speaking of camera...I can NOT find my battery charger anywhere.  I'm FREAKING out.  My battery is dead.  What in the WORLD will I do without my camera at the ready.  There are memories to be kept here people. MEMORIES TO BE KEPT!!

What a mess.

I love my "big kids"!

All THREE of them. (tee hee)

Happy faces and Costco Dogs,

Allyson

Moving Forward

Hmmm, I've thought about what or how to write my thoughts all day.  Because suffice it to say this was an extremely emotionally draining day.  So, I think I'll attempt to be short-ish about it.

The funeral for Jaxon was this morning and it was beautiful.  I am not exagerating AT ALL when I say I was a HOT MESS.  I don't remember EVER crying that much or that hard at a funeral.  And actually MOST of that crying was done before. 

We got there early and just walking through the foyer doors, there facing me was a display of some of Jaxon's things, and seeing his little green, scuffed up crocs was about mroe than I could take.  Never mind the beautiful and plentiful pictures of him, smiling, bright, happy, alive and adorable everywhere I looked.  It only got "worse" when we walked down the hall toward the room where he was.  Out in the hall was another display, this time with a sign that read "my favorite things" and giant apothocary jars filled with his favorite foods like oreos and cheesepuffs, candy, etc.  Trucks, tractors, goggles.  Again, I had to hold back a loud and audible sob.  Next we made our way into the room to give our love and condolences to Tom and Joy and see the tiny little coffin.  It was gutt wrenching.  I couldn't stay there long because I was literally doing the ugly cry.  Jere and I stepped into a classroom so I could sob out loud.  I couldn't pull it together, and I was sure there was no way I could sing. 

Jere was so sweet, assuring me that I WOULD be able to do it, God would be there to help me thru, just as I needed him to.  I finally said, I just need to pray.  So, I took a couple of minutes and bawled to the Lord and basically said I could NOT do this without him, 'cause I was such a mess.

Anyway, I was on the program RIGHT.AFTER.TOM AND JOY.  Yes, right after these amazing, beautiful, wonderful, loving, spiritual, Inspiring parents stood and talked about their darling, beloved son and his short life.  Their comments were perfect and so, so beautiful.  And I was ok, until Joy looked down at the casket and said goodbye to her sweet Jaxy and then quoted "I love you forevers, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

CHECK PLEASE!  I'm DONE!

At this point I leaned forward and shook with tears.  My heart couldn't take it.

Tom spoke next and he was so great.  He told funny stories about jaxon and had everyone laughing.  He talked about all that Jaxon had taught him and shared his testimony of the gospel and his love for the Lord.  I had ceased the river of tears and was mostly ok.

Before I knew it, it was my turn.  At this point the Lord gave me my own miracle.  I stood before that packed church building, I opened my mouth and I sang.  There was very little tremor as I held back some tears.  I looked down at my friends, who I don't know if you understand, but I LOVE and RESPECT SO MUCH and watched them convulse in tears.  And yet, somehow, I sang, clear and strong, no tears.  There was only the message of the song, the clarity of sound and the strength of the Lord holding me up.

As soon as I finished, I walked back to my seat, and shook from head to toe, and bawled.

But you know what, overall, the message of this funeral was hope.  Hope in eteranal families.  hope in the atonement of Christ.  HOPE and Gratitude for this sweet boy and all he taught those he came in contact with in his short 3 1/2 years.

I'm honored to have been a part of it.  Honored to have friends like Tom and Joy who teach ME so much by their example.

And I"m grateful for a knowledge of the Gospel and knowledge of Eternal Families.

And with that said, I'm ready to move forward.  But I'm moving forward with new resolutions.

I resolve to love my children even MORE.  And to tell them it even MORE.
I resolve to teach them thru the scriptures.
I resolve to play more with them, to laugh more with them, to dance and sing more with them.
And mostly I resolve to exemplify and teach them the Gospel of Jesus Christ more each day.

Thank you to all who have commented and offered prayers in their (and my behalf).  It is greatly appreciated.

And thank you for hanging around in my sadness.

But it's time to move forward....

Allyson

My Heart is Broken...

I just need to begin this with a HUGE and heartfelt thank you to ALL who showed me such love and support on my SITS day.  That was an amazing experience, and certainly brought me happiness in the midst of a sad time.  So THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

**Now for those who come to laugh, this is certainly not a post that will offer that.  This is a post for me to express my sadness and sorrow for an event that has broken my heart.**

I don't even know how to articulate what happened and how I feel right now.  I don't understand it.  I don't WANT to have to understand why my sweet, WONDERFUL friends have to experience this level of loss and pain.

It wasn't s'posed to happen like this...Monday night, families were gathered for a Family Home Evening swimming party at their Bishops house.  Everyone was having a great time.  Kids playing, parents talking, a warm summer evening of fun.  After everyone got out of the pool to eat, our friends nearly 4 year old son and his older sister wanted to keep swimming.  They told HIM no.  The sister and her friend got in and were swimming while he played nearby and while the parents were RIGHT there watching.  They continually watched him, checked to make sure he was just playing where he was.  The last time they turned around for a second and when they looked back, he was gone.  His sister was playing right there in the pool, she didn't even notice him.  The father rushed over and found his precious little boy floating on top of the pool.  He grabbed him out, he administered CPR.  Jaxon threw up water and food, he started taking shallow breaths.  This was such a good sign.  The paramedics got there, they got a pulse, they continued to work on him.  He threw up some more water.  They put him on the helicopter and just couldn't get him to respond, they got to the hospital, they continued to work on him, but he just wasn't there.  In literally a SECOND, he was gone.   Their sweet, wonderful little boy was GONE!  It wasn't s'posed to be that way.  They were watching him.  They revived him.  It wasn't s'posd to end like this.  It's NEVER s'posed to end like this.  ESPECIALLY to people as wonderful as this. 

I don't know more wonderful, kind, giving, caring, righteous, loving or FUNNNY people.  They love their children and parent so amazingly.  They've suffered so much loss already in their lives.  WHY, WHY must they suffer this, the most unbearable of ALL losses?

When the phone call came on Tuesday morning, I just screamed at my sister..."NO, you can't be telling me this."  And pretty much, I've cried since then.  I cry for these amazing parents, my friends that I love soooo much.  I cry for this sweet boy and a life cut short.  I cry because the parents faith is so strong, and they,in all their sorrow have a perspective that is so Eternal and have said "perhaps it was his time, and Heaavenly  Father needed him more than us."  I share their faith, their beliefs, and I KNOW that I am NOT in a place spiritually or emotionally to say such things.  Their good-ness overwhelms me.

I know in my heart that Jaxon IS with God, and with family members that have gone on before him.  I know that his parents will get to be with him again someday.  I believe in the Eternal sealing power of the Temple, and believe that families ARE Eternal and FOREVER.  But it does NOT make me feel any better right now.

I just wish that I could understand why some people have to suffer so much more than others.  Why are their trials so much greater?  I don't get it.  I don't appreciate it, not at all.

I've been asked to sing at the funeral, and I'm so honored.  Generally, I'm not a cryer when I sing.  I am usually very able to keep it together.  Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me, for being able to be so "un" emotional when singing at funerals.  But I'm terrified of this one.  I don't know HOW I will keep it together.  My heart hurts too much.  Thankfully my friend Jenee gave me a song that I think is so perfect.....for the survivors.

I'm going to share the words with you, and maybe they'll help all of us feel some peace.

He knows your heart.  He knows your pain.
He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today.
He sees the tears that you cry.
He knows your soul is aching to know why.
He hears your prayers, each humble word when you said you couldn't face another day he understood.
He knows the path when you walk blind.
Though you've felt alone he's never left your side.
He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words could take away your sorrow.
And no human eyes could see what you're going through.
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do, he will lift your heavy load and carry you.
He'll bring you peace and leave you hope and in the darkest night he'll comfort you until you know the sun will rise.
And each new day you will have the strength to live again.
And in the moments when no earthly words can take away your sorrow, and no human eyes can see wat you're going through.
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do.
He will lift your heavy load and carry you.

                                                      -Hillary Weeks

I think, because I am a Mother, because my children are so close to that age, it hurts even more.  And as this week has progressed, I've held them a little closer, hugged them a little tighter and thanked God a little more for each moment I have with them.  There just are not any guarantees, there are no promises that we will get to have them with us always in this life.  And so, I will cherish each moment.  I will strive to take in their sweet giggles, their silly phrases, their LOUD playing and fighting and appreciate it all for what it is.  Childhood.  My babies.  I don't ever want to take them for granted.  Because you just never know if it will be your last hug, or last kiss.

Goodbye for now sweet Jaxon

May your precious spirit comfort your family always.

We love you Tom and Joy and pray that through all of this that God will "lift your heavy load, and that he'll carry you."

It just wasn't supposed to happen like this.