Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Fatties Take Manhattan

**When I opened up my dusty blogger last night, I happened upon this little piece I'd written a month ago.  It gave me a chuckle.  Because I care, I share.

Here is where I shall try to relate an experience that has gone down in friendship lore.  Who knows if it will come across, but I have to try.  Why?  Why am I sharing a story of something that happened nigh unto 7 years ago?  I'll tell you why.  Because last night, as I was standing in the kitchen preparing a little snacky snack, my mind RANDOMLY wandered to a Russian driver, whereupon I giggled.  Julie and Jere from the other room asked what was funny.  I then proceeded to laugh, uncontrollably, pee my pants, tears streaming down my face, gutteral laugh.  I couldn't stop.  The images in my head from that fateful trip were just too much.  The memory of that car ride into Manhattan, priceless.  But more importantly, that laughter was a release like none I have ever had.  I truly don't remember the last time I laughed that hard, or that long, or that honestly (if that makes sense).  And I can say....I felt lighter, happier when it was all said and done.

Right, so story time. (Holly, don't skim)

About seven years ago, long before Gastric Bypass surgeries and long before our children were even glimmers in our eyes we were pretty free and easy.  We have a very dear friend, who at the time practically lived with us.  Our relationship was a bit unorthodox, but then again, everything about us is like that.  Anyway, Tracie, Jere and I were pretty much ALWAYS together.  So, Tracie decided we should go to New York.  Who is Jere to pass up anything to do with New York.  Plane tickets were bought, hotel booked and show tickets purchased.

Have I mentioned that we were three RATHER hefty people.  Like 400 lb. + large.  I can ONLY imagine the thoughts running through peoples heads when they saw our thundering threesome coming at them.  Good thing we're so damn cool.
Just a couple of pictures for evidence (Jere was actually smaller than his biggest weight here, so was Tracie for that matter)

So, plane rides were never an enjoyable thing.  More like a horrific, sweat inducing, nerve fest.  I literally prayed over and over to have noone sit next to me, which sometimes worked.  Anywhodle, somehow we made it through the flight and landed at La Guardia.  We had cleverly booked a car service to pick us up and transport our plus size bootays to the W hotel in Manhattan.

It's raining, we've got luggage galore (Tracie likes 3 outfits a day at least), and we've got US.  Up pulls our driver (at which point I'm sure he cried a little).  He opens his trunk and there is literally a car seat, a spare tire and various and sundry other items FILLING his trunk.  We looked at him like "are you kidding me?"  He thought for a moment that he could make it work.  Ummmm NO!  So, he quickly calls another driver.  Over comes our friend Dmitry (what he was Russian, work with me).  He looks at us, looks at our stuff and begins calculating in his brain how this is gonna work.

We stuff most of the luggage into the trunk, but there was still one bag left.  One of us asked to sit in front, with the bag.  "NO, nobody sits in front."  At which point we said "have you seen the size of us?  And have you seen the size of your backseat?"  He didn't care....the backseat for all of us it was.

The doors are open and the space suddenly seems about the size of a postage stamp.  Our ample asses and bazooms to boot were gonna fill that space right up.  So, in went Tracie, toward the middle, then I got in on one side and Jere shoe horned his way in to the other side.  The driver had to literally use brute force and kick/shove the door closed.  There may have been grunting involved.  Now, IN the back seat we are dying laughing.  Tracie is on one butt cheek, sorta "floating" over us.  We are so tightly wedged that we are NOT moving anywhere.  He took hard turn after hard turn and all that moved was our heads.  We were to a point of hysteria, laughing and making fun of ourselves.  Because really, WHAT can  you do?  Three fat, fat fatties are perma wedged in this backseat and frankly, we weren't sure we were ever getting out.  Now none of us has any feeling left in our lower extremeties, and the air in the car is certainly getting thin.

Up we pull to the swanky W Hotel.  The door literally POPS open and one by one we slowly, and awkwardly and painfully extricate ourselves from the human sardine can.  Once again, can hardly imagine the thoughts racing through the doormans head as he witnessed THAT "dismount."

At last, we were out, all in one piece and ready to take Manhattan by storm.

But first, we had to endure a double bed.....seriously, double beds are made for single people.  NOT two fat married people.  And then we had to endure theatre seats made for skinny people.  Which brings me to this next awkward moment.

We had tickets to Hairspray.  It was still new and rockin the town.  Our seats were center section, down on the floor.  GREAT seats.  Somehow Jere and Tracie got to them first.  And Jere managed to squeeze into his, then Tracie with what can ONLY be described as the magic of fairies and pixie dust jack hammered herself into her seat.  No really, imagine the sound of an airtight seal....that would be her, SEALED into her seat.  She said "I'm in" (in a super high squeek voice, due to the fact that all ability to breathe, move or function had been taken).  So now I come wandering down the aisle, and they both look over at me and slowly shake their heas and mouth  "Noooooooo".  Guess there was No way one more tubby was getting in that row.  So, I had to flag down the house manager and explain our predicament.  I'm glad I can laugh about this now, cause it sucked sorta hard at the time.  Anyway, he had to find me a folding chair and put it up in the balcony, cause he had nothing else he could do.  Nope, that wasn't AWKWARD at all.  The only good  news here is...I TOTES met Clay Aiken that night, as he was sitting in the audience (across from Jere and Tracie).  Yeah, strike THREE for the pudge club.

I give you this gem....and yes, that IS me in all my 400 lb. glory.

Oh wait.....Jere just reminded me of the other "special" theatre moment we shared.  We got student tickets to see 42nd Street.  Student tickets meant FRONT ROW seats.  And let me tell you, this front row was NOT messing around.  We were probably a foot from the stage, if that.  I called dibs on the aisle (I ALWAYS called dibs on the aisle, because that way I could lop into said aisle) and then Jere and Tracie shimmied their way into their seats.  We were quite the site, the three of us Michelin men wedged into our seats.  Now, if you know nothing of this show, you have to recognize this iconic moment.....

Remember, we are inches from their faces.  We could practically smell their breath.  They had up close and personal view of US in all our greased pig glory.  People, we couldn't move our arms, hell we could hardly breathe.  It was AWESOME!  And all we could think was....you KNOW they're all backstage going "Good Lordy, did you see those fatties on the front row?"

Thanks New York.  You are the BEST!

And in an unrelated to fat note, this was the same trip in which I stupidly, STUPIDLY passed up seeing Wicked, because what the hell was Wicked?  It was in previews, and I hadn't heard of it, didn't know anything about it.  So, i passed up the ORIGINAL cast of Kristin Chenowith and Idina Menzel.  For what?  I freaking chose Little Shop of Horrors over Wicked.  GAG!  Pretty sure I'll never get over that stupid choice.  Or, I'm over it, but still disappointed. Would you believe I've still never seen that freaking show.  Phlbbbbt!

Oh, and also, we went and saw Regis and Kelly.  Super fun, but SUPER tightly squeezed chair in an itty bitty, teeny tiny studio.  Seriously, that place is amazingly small.  Needless to say.......SQUISHED, one fat bootray on another. hehehehe

Long live the chub club,


Trash to Treasure Tuesday The return

Can we get a drumroll please.............

For the first time in a LONG time, I got the urge to redo something.  I found this table months ago at a local Goodwill for a song, and there it sat, taking up space in my music area, taunting me.  FINALLY one day I woke up and said, this is it, that table is goin down (or up, depending on how you look at it)!

So, I set up shop in my driveway and began the sanding.  Yeah, you read that right, I ACTUALLY sanded.  What a pain in the butt!  There is a reason I don't sand things, it sucks.  BUT, this table required the sanding.  Thankfully, I had the paint on hand and had to spend 0 dollars on the transformation. The kids played in the car and out front, and even helped sand a little.  When all was said and done, it was worth the work.  Me likey the transformation.


Isn't she adorable, in all her vintage glory?!
I just love her, even if she did make me sand her to no end and my hands go numb.


Just a coate or two of white (swiss coffee) and she's a whole new table.

Still trying to decide if I should do anything more.
A little distressing?
Or are we happy just where it's at?
Well, I do love it, and now I'm trying to figure out how to keep it and where to put it.

No worries, there will be many more projects to do and share in the coming months.  I'm excited and terrified about it.  But, it goes along with the big changes comin our way.

Trash no more,


Monday, May 30, 2011

May I have your ATTENTION Please?!

I'm not gonna lie, it's been so long since I've graced this page, I ALMOST forgot my login info.   Ummmmm, embarassing!

BUT, I am here to say to you all (hey Jenee, Peggy and Joyce) I am RATHER sorry for the very PREGNANT pause in MVP land.  Let's just call it the crapstorm of 2011.  In fact, it shall heretofore always be known as...."the crapstorm".  It kicked my butt and then some.  I have literally not even felt like reading most blogs, much less logging on and actually writing one.  But, I feel a shift.  My house is clean, things are as orderly as they can be right now, and there are BIG CHANGES comin.

So, get your panties out of a twist people, Allyson and the MVP's are making a come back.  I have MUCH to cover, not the least of which is Maggies preschool graduation, Maggies preschool program, Maggies never ending and amazingly prolific sassing, Maggies amazing use of eye rolls and mean faces, Maxs cuteness and brilliance, Maxs love o' the ipod touch and the games to play, the end of the Brooklyn era, the longest bathroom redo of ALL time, my current obsession with Craigslist and all it's bounty (on a sidenote, WHY must everything you want/need to buy be literally 400 miles away?), delightful friends, Jeres busy busy schedule, and a HUGE announcement (not pregnant) that I will save until Wednesday.

Life has most certainly continued to go on all around me/us.  And I'm happy to finally be ready to be a part of it again.  Even if I am totally overhwhelmed and have a CRAP TON of stuff to accomplish in this month, AND its workshop time.  Holy hell, come to think of it.  Maybe I'll be back to blog in July.  OY!

Thanks for checking in on me.

Breaking the silence,


Sunday, May 1, 2011


What?  Three in a row is too much?  Whatever, I'm just trying to get things done.  And I have no patience to actually write the post and then just let it wait for a few days before posting.  So, there it is.  Make sure to check 'em all out.  They're all short, I promise.

Just a couple of shots o' my sleeping kids.  Because really, WHAT is cuter than sleeping children?  Nothing, that's what.

One night I went in to check on the kids before I went to bed.
This is how I found them, all curled up on the floor.
Silly kids.
They're on a kick of either sleeping in the same bed, or the floor lately.

Yesterday, Maggie and I spent the entire morning at the store and then 2 baby showers.  She got all dressed up and allowed me to do her hair and everything.  She felt pretty darn special that we were having MORE girl time, and partying to boot.  She loved all the yummies to eat and playing at the 2nd shower with a bunch of kids.  By the time we got home it was past nap time.  I wasn't sure she would take one.  My bad......she not only took one.  She TOOK one.

Apparently all the hardcore baby shower partying done wore her out!
I walked past her room like 4 seconds later and this is how I found her.

So worn out, she didn't even bother to remove the headband.
And honestly, this might be one of my favorite pictures of her EVER!
So peaceful.

Play dates are FUN!

A couple weeks ago I took a step outside my boring box and actually took the kids to the Childrens Museum.  I mean really, there is only so much the kids can do in this house, or yard.  Speaking of, lets take a random side trip for a story:

The other day I took Max on a walk. Maggie was still asleep, and who am I to wake a sleeping princess.  Anyway, as we rounded a corner on our way home I caught a streaking blur of pink out of the corner of my eye.  I thought "is that Brooklyn scootering by?"  Indeed it was.  There were Brooklyn and Maggie just scootering and biking up and down the street, sans any grownup supervision.  Apparently they decided it was a fine idea.  When I got up to them and asked WHAT they were doing.  They matter of factly responded..."we're racing."  DUH MOM!  I asked if they had asked permission, and they totally lied and said Jere knew.   Nope, he was sound asleep.  It WAS 7:30 a.m. afterall.  ANYWAY....all is well.  Don't turn me into CPS yet.  They all had a fabulous time all morning playing and running around outside.
Ok, back to our regularly scheduled post:

My friend Melissa is so good about taking her girls to all kinds of places and doing stuff with them. So finally, I got my crap in a pile and did it.  We met up with Melissa and her girls and had a grand time checking out the haps of Mesas little museum.

Pretty adorable group of chillins if I do say so myself.  I love Melissas girls "Miss O" and Ice so much.  They are the happiest little fairies of light.

What is NOT to love about a GIANT pile of squishy shapes.  Towers were made and toppled and good times were had.

Max had so much fun putting the ball in this thing over and over and over.  Shoot, who am I kidding.  Max just had the BEST time being outside of our house...period.

They have a fairytale exhibit going on, and there were a lot of cute things to see and do.  Here Max is being a big bad wolf.  Aren't you scared?

She was.
This is her "fear" face.

And she was scared too.

There was an area to make little fairy wings, or something like that.  Max took it upon himself to cut. He clearly had no idea what to do with scissors, as I'm lame and don't allow scissoring at my house. 

There was a lot more to see and do, but I just failed to take pictures.  Shoot, let's be honest, I was doing good to actually leave my house and take pictures at all.  It's been a little difficult around here.

Maggie and O say goodbye.

I lurve this silly boy.

All in all, a good time was had by all.  I'm glad we went.  Now I know what a fun little place is there for the kids to enjoy.

Now, what next to get me out o' the boring box?

Take Me Out To the Ballgame....

I may have mentioned a time or twelve that I have great friends.  Talented, hilarious, kind, crazy talented, wonderful friends.  And really, that's good enough.  BUT, then I have some friends that happen to have some rockin connections to certain things.  Such as the amazing basketball tickets and this time RIDICULOUS tickets to the Diamondbacks game.

A couple weeks ago our friend Amy gave me a textaroony and asked if I wanted to run away from the evening to a game.  Let's be honest.  It's not like I'm a diehard D-backs fan, or any baseball fan.  And frankly, unless you're sitting practically ON the field, it's not worth going.  As luck would have it....her tickets were practially ON THE FIELD.  We were three rows away from home plate, near the visiting teams dugout.  It was AWESOME!

In line to pick up our tickets

Proof.  Click on that.  LOOK at how much that ticket costs.
WHO has 150 Bucks for a freaking 3 hour game?
That's why I love my "connected" friends. hahaha

Hello my little baseball friends.
Wont lie, Chase Field is really a beautiful facility.

I don't know, just proving that I could make out with the players. hahaha

Hey Amy,
Thanks for the fun night.

And to top it all off....totally had a cool, beautiful fireworks show after the game.  Probably the first time I've seen fireworks in a LOOOOONG time.

Too bad the D-backs lost, by A LOT!
It was still a really nice, relaxed, fun night!

I have the best friends!!

Popcorn, peanuts and crackerjacks,