Saturday, February 20, 2010

What's that you say?

Word on the street is that my Dad is embarrassed or ashamed to read my blog because of my swearing. Sucka say WHA? This bit of info surprises me on two accounts.

1. I had no idea that my Dad ever even attempted to read my little ol' blog.

2. Are we talking about MY DAD! The man who has never shied away from a good swear. I grew up with a liberal usage of hells, damns, dammits and even shits. Now, in his defense, he was nowhere near Jere levels of swearing (who is?) but he certainly was free and easy with the swears. Shoot, he still IS!! Let it be said, I was a pure and innocent little thing and I would actually cringe and be a bit traumitized anytime he would swear. Like the time he was Bishop and I was asking for some help on math homework, and he totally swore at me, 'cause i wasn't getting it, and he was clearly stressed out. Whatever Tonester, talk about the pot calling the kettle black. I am just so stunned by this turn.


Where did I learn this inside scoop? From my mother, who told it to Lana and Jere whilst they were all at the Sal-on discussing my blog for some reason. She shoots out this gem and then apparently rolled her eyes at the silliness of it all. I mean, my MOM isn't offended and she is NOT so much a swearer. Growing up, if my Mom swore, it was VERY rare and VERY disturbing when she would. There was the time that I was doing something at the piano, and I s'pose I had irritaed her too much, because she told me to "stop being a jack ass." Well, you would have thought she told me she'd killed my baby brother. I went to my room and proceeded to sob and wail over this horrific infraction. Jenny happened to be in our room, on her bed. She asked me why I was crying and I said, in between great gasping breaths and sobs..."How ::gasp gasp:: would you::sniff, sob:: like it::snort, cry:: if Mom call you a Jaaaaack Asssss ::wail, cry sob::? I mean really, she just didn't bust out the swears. But then there is this story, my FAVORITE in all family lore. In fact, so great, that it deserves it's own space on the page.





It seems that Jenny and Dixie were having a knock down drag out fight in the bathroom one day. They were fighting to the death over.....wait for it......WAIT FOR IT....the CLEARASIL. Yeah, freaking clearasil nearly took this sisterhood down. Anyway, there was screeching and scratching and fighting at great volume. Enter me madre, the non swearer that she is. Noone can seem to remember exactly the events that transpired next, except that Jenny, it was determined in my Moms mind was the cause of this conflict. So, in the heat of the moment, my Mom called Jenny, are you even ready for this? She called her a "shit ass witch." It was so shocking and so painful to Jenny that my Mom has never lived it down. And frankly, we all giggle at the thought of it. Really? That phrase? Too funny.




Ok, so my whole point is this...I haven't offended my Mom, and yet somehow my Dad is embarrassed? I don't feel like I use a profuse amount of profanity. Do I? I feel like I keep it in check. Don't I? No really, am I just confused? But really, sometimes a good swear is the perfect punctuation to a story. Sometimes, it just makes it funnier. Sometimes, it's just necessary. Whatever, I KNOW it's not necessary, but I just tell myself that.




The crazy part is, I was so not a swearer. Well, minus that little blip in 6th grade where Nicole Rice and I decided to try out our "badness" and practice swearing. We would literally go to the park by our house, sit on the swings and say every swear word we knew. Oh, we were sooo naughty. Then again, that 6th grade year and that Nicole were all so enlightening and naughty. I should write a post just on the things I did and learned that year...not the least of which was; Mormons got babies by having "the sex" not just by hugging. Talk about a shocker to my sweet innocence. Yeah, I was THAT naive. Anywhodle, I'm so off course here. What i'm saying is, I was not a swearer until after highschool and then I picked up "shit" from my beloved Angie, 'cause she said it Allllllll the time. I gave it up for my mission, except for that tragic moment when I was walking into my apartment and suddenly was hurtling earthward face first. As my ankle was spinning and popping I let out a LOUD "shiiiiiiiiiiit". Talk about embarrassing. I was a SISTER MISSIONARY for crying out loud...which meant I was s'posed to be "perfect". hee hee OY! I wasn't proud of that moment, but then again, I was in a lot of pain. Anyway, I really didn't swear much. Then came Jere, and life in theatre and Jere and well, it just is what it is. I do swear people, I am NOT perfect. I know that it's not the classiest thing, and it's a bit un-mormony of me. But darnit, I do it, and I'll own it.





So, sorry Dad, sorry for embarrassing you or shaming you . Sorry to anyone else of you that might get offended, or that I MIGHT have offended along the way. Just know that,at this site,in this blog....DAMMIT....swears happen.






Hellfire and damnation,


Allyson

16 comments:

Brad said...

I need to go find my butt, because I do believe that I laughed it completely off.

Pini Family said...

Oh my freaking hilarious! I LOVE you Allyson. Just keepin' it real!

Mel said...

hahahaha. I love this post so much. I completely agree that sometimes a cuss word is the perfect word in a good story. My mom has always used substitute words like "communist" and "son of a biscuit". Just doesn't have the same ring.

The Coolest Allen Family said...

This is one of my all time favorite posts. Right up there with the many words you used for the vajayjay story.

I love a good swear. I was not above a good one while on my mission either; but I am naughty like that.

Steph said...

Ha ha ha ha ha! Somehow I'm thinking this post won't appease your dad. . . or thrill your mom either! Dang, I was hoping my kids would forget those few times I let a d---it fly. You've ruined my hope for redemption! Interesting the influence our spouses have--I have never ever heard Dennon say a bad word, ever!

Yours is seriously the funniest blog ever. Better watch out, though. Swear words from 2 or 4-year-old mouths are no where near as cute!

LanaBanana said...

I promise to keep reading and not be offended if you will at least spell Damn It right! :) Nothing offends me more than the misspelling of a perfectly good swear. :)

The Atomic Mom said...

The things you learn. Who knew the Shums were potty mouths all? I never knew....

Dana said...

oh dear......mom's gonna stop reading your blog now that you "outed" her.

✩Molly✩ said...

Says oh yes the potty words. I'd like to say that scarlett has never parotted a "shit" or two in a scary moment, but I would be lying.

Looking back on my own parents I can only think of a single instance when my mom and dad swore, and it was the same event, of which I cannot provide more detail than that, but without a doubt in my mind it was called for.

On a related note, much like Jenny's trougling story my dad once calles me a dummy, and I remember being SOOO hurt. Its like come on, that is kindergarten name calling, hahaha.

I am always shocked at the things a person might find offensive on any given day. I cannot help but wonder if on a diffrtent day, in a different state of mind, the same thing might not prove so disturbing...

Excellent post. Glad I stopped by.

jen said...

Allyson, Brad is totally in your camp that sometimes the only punctuation that will work is a swear word.
And, being ultra sensitive to that approach, I don't think you swear too much here.
Jere, on the other hand, needs some reining in!

Kim Jones said...

Hilarious!! Just waiting for Tony's comment!

Tara LaRue said...

Oh mylanta - that is the funniest thing I have ever read. Andrea told me to read it because it was so funny, yet I noticed she didn't comment. (Probably one of those closest swearers and can't out herself here.)

You are a delight and I love, Love, LURVE reading your blog. Thanks for the laugh m'dear...

Brandon and Brittani Romney said...

you should sell tickets to your blog because that was some great entertainment! glad my mom told me to check it out.. now i'm doin' it all the time!

Dixie Dixon said...

I must say this was a fine post indeed. Laughed my brains out. Among other ironies of dad, really DAD, being offended by this is that he sends MASS emails all the time with swears in the subject line. I told him to quit sending them to me because I was offended. So maybe he's feeling bad and trying to be better. Or maybe not because he just dropped a s@#t bomb on me the other day about something. And just for the record, Jenny took the brunt of the Clearasil fight because she didn't know when to shut her trap! I knew when I saw fire in moms eyes. I didn't want to be called no shit as witch!

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Natalie said...

The more I read, the more I like you!! Good stuff. And I like the "wait for it" because I say it all the time but never thought to write it!