Wednesday, February 24, 2010
People, PEOPLE!!! We have hit a new LOW in society. PLEASE, I'm begging you, PLEASE click on this link. It will horrify and amuse you all at the same time (most especially the last comment made by this "lovely" woman). Man, people are AWESOME!!
Love Handles Save Woman's Life
And alls I'm sayin is....I'm feeling PRET-TEE good about my love handles these days!!
Fatty and SAFE,
Saturday, February 20, 2010
1. I had no idea that my Dad ever even attempted to read my little ol' blog.
2. Are we talking about MY DAD! The man who has never shied away from a good swear. I grew up with a liberal usage of hells, damns, dammits and even shits. Now, in his defense, he was nowhere near Jere levels of swearing (who is?) but he certainly was free and easy with the swears. Shoot, he still IS!! Let it be said, I was a pure and innocent little thing and I would actually cringe and be a bit traumitized anytime he would swear. Like the time he was Bishop and I was asking for some help on math homework, and he totally swore at me, 'cause i wasn't getting it, and he was clearly stressed out. Whatever Tonester, talk about the pot calling the kettle black. I am just so stunned by this turn.
Where did I learn this inside scoop? From my mother, who told it to Lana and Jere whilst they were all at the Sal-on discussing my blog for some reason. She shoots out this gem and then apparently rolled her eyes at the silliness of it all. I mean, my MOM isn't offended and she is NOT so much a swearer. Growing up, if my Mom swore, it was VERY rare and VERY disturbing when she would. There was the time that I was doing something at the piano, and I s'pose I had irritaed her too much, because she told me to "stop being a jack ass." Well, you would have thought she told me she'd killed my baby brother. I went to my room and proceeded to sob and wail over this horrific infraction. Jenny happened to be in our room, on her bed. She asked me why I was crying and I said, in between great gasping breaths and sobs..."How ::gasp gasp:: would you::sniff, sob:: like it::snort, cry:: if Mom call you a Jaaaaack Asssss ::wail, cry sob::? I mean really, she just didn't bust out the swears. But then there is this story, my FAVORITE in all family lore. In fact, so great, that it deserves it's own space on the page.
It seems that Jenny and Dixie were having a knock down drag out fight in the bathroom one day. They were fighting to the death over.....wait for it......WAIT FOR IT....the CLEARASIL. Yeah, freaking clearasil nearly took this sisterhood down. Anyway, there was screeching and scratching and fighting at great volume. Enter me madre, the non swearer that she is. Noone can seem to remember exactly the events that transpired next, except that Jenny, it was determined in my Moms mind was the cause of this conflict. So, in the heat of the moment, my Mom called Jenny, are you even ready for this? She called her a "shit ass witch." It was so shocking and so painful to Jenny that my Mom has never lived it down. And frankly, we all giggle at the thought of it. Really? That phrase? Too funny.
Ok, so my whole point is this...I haven't offended my Mom, and yet somehow my Dad is embarrassed? I don't feel like I use a profuse amount of profanity. Do I? I feel like I keep it in check. Don't I? No really, am I just confused? But really, sometimes a good swear is the perfect punctuation to a story. Sometimes, it just makes it funnier. Sometimes, it's just necessary. Whatever, I KNOW it's not necessary, but I just tell myself that.
The crazy part is, I was so not a swearer. Well, minus that little blip in 6th grade where Nicole Rice and I decided to try out our "badness" and practice swearing. We would literally go to the park by our house, sit on the swings and say every swear word we knew. Oh, we were sooo naughty. Then again, that 6th grade year and that Nicole were all so enlightening and naughty. I should write a post just on the things I did and learned that year...not the least of which was; Mormons got babies by having "the sex" not just by hugging. Talk about a shocker to my sweet innocence. Yeah, I was THAT naive. Anywhodle, I'm so off course here. What i'm saying is, I was not a swearer until after highschool and then I picked up "shit" from my beloved Angie, 'cause she said it Allllllll the time. I gave it up for my mission, except for that tragic moment when I was walking into my apartment and suddenly was hurtling earthward face first. As my ankle was spinning and popping I let out a LOUD "shiiiiiiiiiiit". Talk about embarrassing. I was a SISTER MISSIONARY for crying out loud...which meant I was s'posed to be "perfect". hee hee OY! I wasn't proud of that moment, but then again, I was in a lot of pain. Anyway, I really didn't swear much. Then came Jere, and life in theatre and Jere and well, it just is what it is. I do swear people, I am NOT perfect. I know that it's not the classiest thing, and it's a bit un-mormony of me. But darnit, I do it, and I'll own it.
So, sorry Dad, sorry for embarrassing you or shaming you . Sorry to anyone else of you that might get offended, or that I MIGHT have offended along the way. Just know that,at this site,in this blog....DAMMIT....swears happen.
Hellfire and damnation,
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The day started off with Max waking up at 4 a.m. and insisting on being in bed with me, except he would sleep, wake up, sleep wake up, whatever. Needless to say, I didn't get to go to the gym, never a good start. Then I had an ENTIRE day of Maggie at her bi-polar best. If you say yes, she says NO just to go opposite you. She has to battle me on EVERY.SINGLE.THING, "hey Maggie, let's do you hair." NOOOOOOOOOOO. "Hey Maggie, let's get your shoes on so we can go outsid." Nooooooooooo, or she is distracted by 20 other things. Maggie you want a cookie? "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" bawling, tears, screaming, wahtever. But, the most frustrating had to be "Mommy, I need to go potty." Ok, let's get on there. Go through all the effort of undressing her, putting her on the potty, and instantly, "I don't need to go potty." Or, she'd get off, then want back on, off, on. Fight me, doesn't want to put the panties back on, doesn't want to do anything. It just gets soooo exhausting. Add to that that I was seriously more exhausted than I can remember being in a LONG time. I couldn't pull it together, AT ALL. I was frustrated and grumpy and tired. So, to have to listen bickering and fighting between the girls, and all the screaming and crying from Maggie, over NOTHING, I just couldn't deal. The end came when we had bathtime. She likes to tell ME when she's ready to get out, or how to wash her hair out, etc. So, there were some battles, but we made it through. Finally, she was happy, things were good. We were getting her dressed, and then I had the audacity to try and brush her hair. I thought it was safe, she was smiling and laughing. But, I attempted to brush and she lost her ever lovin mind on me. Started bawling and yelling at me out of control. I just put the brush down, and walked into my room and laid on my bed. I seriously couldn't take it another minute. After letting her scream and cry for a good 5 minutes, she was yelling "OK you can brush my hair, I want down (I left her on the dresser, because she gets down from it all the time by herself), etc. So, I went back in, calmly brushed her hair, but couldn't even speak to her. I walked out to Jere, told him to go see the movie he needed to for school and then just busted out crying. It caught us all by surprise. Maggie started cying beause I was crying, Jere was stunned and I was just DONE! I explained that I couldn't take it for one more minute. I was too tired to be alive and I couldn't deal with Maggie and her crazy town anymore. Thankfully Julie is amazing and sort of took over. She handed me a sleeping pill and told me to take it and not worry about anything with the kids. I just stood there and bawled. I could not stop crying. I didn't realize that I was THAT tired and THAT stressed. Good grief! So, I got ready for bed, took the pill and laid down. It was 7:30 p.m. Who does that? I do i guess! I'm pretty sure it was the longest period of time I've spent in a bed in about EVER! Of course my sweet kiddos didn't make a PEEP the entire night. I mean, NOTHING, no wake ups, no crys, NOTHING!! Whatever! Needless to say, I DID get to go to the gym this morning, and I've had a much better day today.
I guess the moral of the story is...we all just need a break sometime. I know I can't be the only one who loses it and needs a bawl fest and a bed, right? Kids and their demands are overwhelming!
Here's to hoping for a better day and better mothering.
Stress outs and sleeplessness,
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
She looked a bit like this, minus the tutu and crown. But, you get the idea. I have a prima donna sick kid. Good news is.....after the medicine took effect (THANK YO MOTRIN) she is much nicer and now playing. I just hope that whatever this is will run its course quickly and we'll be back to sunshine and flowers soon.
Ok, now, to the topic at hand. When it was time to decorate for Christmas, i found myself in a quandry. I no longer had a mantle and was therefore screwed out of one of my favorite decorating places. So, out of necessity is born motivation. I had my shelf from my kitchen that no longer had a home, since my new kitchen had no wall for said shelf. The shelf had been sitting forlornly out in my shed, waiting for some love. Truth be told, I HATE painting things and prepping, etc. However, as I said, there were Christmas decorations that needed a home, and really, my wall above the couch needed the shelf anyway. SO, enter spray primer and spray paint. HELLO, why have I not used this genius method on everything before? Spray paint is the way to go. In seriously 20 minutes, with NO sanding I might add, I had a fabulously repainted shelf. I hung it on the wall and enjoyed it's Christmas splendor. Well then Christmas was over, NOW WHAT? I had no money to buy decorations, and frankly, I had no idea what to put on it. But, again, when you HAVE to get something done, you get it done. I went on a treasure hunt through my house and found a few items and did it up. Thanks to Jenny D. for the pretty red box of caramels for Christmas, as it makes a lovely little plant box now on the shelf.
I've had this "print" since we got married and it hung over our bed. It was the largest picture I owned, so therefore, by default went over the couch when we moved in. Then, after we got our family pictures done, Jere really wanted them put over our couch. I was SURE that blowing up a pic to 20x30 or 16x20 would be too expensive. NOT TRUE! To get a 16x20 (my resolution was too low for a 20x30) at Costco was ONLY $5.99. SCORE! So, I had a large pic made and then 4 8x10's. I went to Fallas Paredes (GENIUS store, all should go, because it's INSANELY cheap) and got 4 frames for 2.99 a piece and they're nice frames. Went to Kohl's which as you know is eternally "on sale" and picked up the large "letter" V for 7 bucks and the big 16x20 frame for 20 bucks. Came home, framed up the pictures, laid out a plan and this is my result.
In the end, I'm pleased enough with the outcome. There is definitely some tweaking I'd like to do to the shelf, and even with the wall, but overall, not bad.
Picture frames and demanding divas,
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Secondly, I forgot that I did a batch of laundry last night, which in and of itself is no biggy. However, in that batch was my bra, my ONE and ONLY bra. Needless to say, due to my lack of follow through, I am now wearing a bra that is to small. OY! Nothing worse than a too small bra. It creates boob muffins, and frankly, they are just so classless. I mean really, if we were keeping a list of classless attributes one could have, right up there next to visible hickeys is boob muffins. You KNOW what I'm talkin about. Where the bra is too small, so the extra boob fat spills up and over the top and is visible through your shirt. Ick, so gross! It's really too bad i didn't need to go to Wal-mart today. Alright, now I have an idea...how can I leave a running tally of things that are classless attributes on the side of my blog or something.. We could all add our 2 cents worth. I think it would be funny. I've given us one and two, now you add in your thoughts.
Third thought...Maggie is on day 3 of no accidents and excellent potty skills. I guess she finally decided it was worth it. That, or the hershey kisses are too alluring to pass up. Whatever the case, she's doing awesome! YAY! I DID tell her that she would not be able to attend pre-school (which she is obsessed about doing) if she didn't go potty on the big girl potty. So, maybe that was the convincing factor?
Alright, so you're really here because of my blog title, you're dying to know what it means right? You wanna know what I did today? Well ok, I'll tell ya!!
I, Allyson S. Van Patten walked/jogged/ran 3.25 miles this morning. Oh whatever, don't be let down. THAT is a HUGE accomplishment for me. You wanna know why? Ok, I'll tell you. See, last year,in all my fine tri training, I did a lot of walking/running, etc. However, I have only EVER done 3+ miles three times. Once, early on, Dixie sadistcally made us do 5 miles one Saturday morning. That sucked! Then, the week before the tri we went out and did the course, which is 3.1 miles. Then, the tri itself, and you may recall, oh ye trusty readers of mine, i developed blisters the size of small Moldovian countries on EACH heel. It was excruciating times a THOUSAND and took weeks to heal. So anyway, I just have always kept my "run" movement to 2.5 or less miles. Enter Raceday and the tri workout for yesterday....it was a hideou samount of reverse crunches and flutter kicks, followed by this 3.5 mile run. First of all, I missed yesterday, due to some rather unfortunate all night long wakeups with the kiddies. Then, this mornings was s'posed to be a 55 min. bikeride. Rasberrries on that. I already did that last week, LOONG and eh. Secondly, I need to work my running capabilities up. So, this morning, it was with determination that I went into the gym to get that 3.5 miles. Mind you, I only have so much time before I need to get back home and relieve the troops. So, I did the crunches (curse, swear, curse) and the flutter kicks and then faced my nemesis the treadmill. No really, treadmills suck! I'd much rather be doing the running on a track. Anyway, I mounted that bad boy and made it mine. hahahahahahahaha The instructions were to do 1/2 mile normal or slower and 1/2 mile fast, until you were done with the whole thing. So, I did my first 1/2 mile at about a 3.7 or 4, then did the second 1/2 mile at a 5. A WHOLE half mile at a 5, I was sweatin buckets, and sucking wind. So, next 1/2 mile fluctuated between 3.5, 3.7, 4.0, second half mile, 5, 5.3, 3.5, 6.0. Two miles down, this is my normal quitting spot, but alas, I was gonna conquer this Biznatch. So, the next 1/2 mile was back in that 4.0 range, final half mile I did two sections at 7.0 (and people, ain't NOTHIN pretty about fat slapping as you run at such speeds. Thank goodness I have music blastingin my ears, sorry to those around who don't. 'Cause,ewww!), some 6.0 and some 3.5. Here's the deal...I actually MUCH prefer to run over walking. I prefer to go faster as opposed to medium speed. It feels so much better on my legs, however, my lungs have not yet received that memo, so the severe lack of oxygen wreaks a little havoc. When said oxygen is not being obtained, pretty quickly the leggies get all leaden and wierd and I wanna fall and fly off the treadmill. So, before I make a complete arse of myself, I jump off and reduce the speed. I will truly conquer it someday. I WILL actually do a full run at 6 or higher for 2 full miles, i really will. I don't know when, but I WILL! Anyway, the good news is this...I did the 3.25, and i did it in 45 minutes. Not great, but not absolutely horrible either. But best of all, I sweated buckets and I felt accomplished and happy and ready to face this day. Oh, but better than ALL of that. I kicked that stupid six pounds ASS and it sneakily slunk away. So, now I just need to lose a REAL six pounds in a week and I'll feel so much better. hahahaha Oh please, that would require good eating habits. Still working on that.
Yeah, so that's what I did today...3.25 miles...BOOYA! What'd YOU do today?
Fat slapping and brownie bites,
Well what? ok seriously, I made the YUMMIEST brownies last night, and they keep sneaking into my mouth.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
For enquiring minds...I am back at the gym. I'm in my second week and I can not even begin to tell you what happiness and joy this brings me. No really, it's AMAZING to me what a difference getting up and going to work out really makes in my life. I'm signed up at 24 hour fitness, just down the road from me. I LURVE IT! I especially love the indoor pool, because those swim workouts last year, whilst memory making with Dixie, were NOT fun in the outdoor pool at the Y. But, here is what I really want to say.
I was really and truly in a downward depression spiral. I found myself on more than one morning just laying on my bed, while the kids did whatever they wanted to the house, and just wallowing. I would sleep, or try to sleep, or just lay there in a funk. That is NOT me. I NEVER go back to bed once the kids are up. I NEVER just lay around while they have their way with things. I felt like a sloth. I could actually "hear myself getting fatter." But, I felt stuck. I am someone who NEEDS a place to be, and machines and bikes, and warmth. I tried a little to go out by myself around here, but it's cold and dark and scarey to be running/walking alone at 5:30 a.m. So anyway, my amazing family to the rescue once again. Happy Birthday to me, I get to go to the gym for 8 months. There are NO words to describe the joy I feel. I genuinely love getting up at that UnGODLY hour and going to work out. I love the feeling of sweating and knowng that I'm doing something good for myself. I LOVE being up that early and ready for the day. It has made everything so much better for the last 2 weeks. I have accomplished more, I'm happier, it's just bliss. I NEVER, EVER thought I would be that person. The one who NEEDED to work out to feel happy or fulfilled or whatever. But, I AM! I actually WISH I could stay longer at the gym and just keep working and working. I'm so excited to do Sherox again this year, and I'm totally working toward that. It feels good to be back in the pool, to get my "run" on again, 'cause goodness knows I have regressed A LOT there! I'm just missing my tri group and all our challenges from last year, that's all I'm missing. The only sucky thing about this is...I've delightfully GAINED six pounds in ONE WEEK since starting to workout. What the HELL? If it doesn't improve after this week, I'm seriously gonna go with the "I have a tumor" option. But anyway, I'm happy there, glad to be back, looking forward to Sherox and actual days of accomplishment again. Anyone out there want to come and do a tri with me? Want to create our OWN tri group? We can revisit all of Dixies challenges from last year. It's just so nice to have people to report to and work on things together. Goodness knows, I NEED to lose a buttload of weight, so that my hideous BUTT front will decrease! I don't want to have another kid until I lose all this poundage! What do you say? You know you wanna do it!
Jere...vanity is thy name:
Well folks, Jere has reached that stage of post gastricness where you become totally "vain" and obsessed with your looks. It's not just him, it's all of us who have gone through a huge transformation so fast. I mean really, when you go from insanely FAT to normal, and you can suddenly buy clothes at normal stores and you feel good, you get a little obsessive. I know for me, suddenly I couldn't get enough jewelry, necklaces, 'cause I had a collar bone, earings, RINGS...just wanted to accesorize myself. And I would look in the mirror all the time, making sure I looked ok. So anyway, Jere is at that point. He will lament how "fat" he looks, pull his extra belly fat up and down (there is a lot of that when you lose 150 lbs. in 8 months), or just stare at himself in certain outfits and talk about how "hot" he is. It's funny, wierd, annoying, funny and just something you can't quite get unless you've "been there." Anyway,he's all obsessive about clothes, as in, he wants them, and lots of them. So, we wanderd over to Kohl's last week and used some of his financial aide money to get him some new clothes. Why this ridiculously huge buildup? Because....we got him a pair of Sunday pants for FIVE dollars and FIFTY cents. You read that right, FIVE freaking dollars for a pair of pants. It was the GREATEST day EVER! We also got quite a few nice shirts for el cheapo too. Man, normal sizes are sooooo fun to buy for. So anyway, that's the good news there. Oh, and also, Jer is really loving all his classes this semester and doing well thus far. That's a good thing too. OH, AND he's now co-directing a Glee club on Monday nights with our friend Tracie, and gonna direct Annie JR. at Studio 3 in Gilbert. These are exciting things on the Jere front.
What else has been on my mind? How ridiculous, I'm drawing a total blank here.
I know, I'll list possible blog options, things I've thought about or need to write about. YOU choose what I write next. NO, I MEAN it you! Make a freaking comment, choose something.
1. PJ Bunko party
2. cleanliness is next to Godliness (a rant)
3. Max, we've got a LIVE one people.
4. Looking forward and not living in the past
5. Finding ways to serve
6. Maggie and her funny, FUNNY comments
7. WHY must I be so damn tired all the time? OR, how to finally be that self motivator that I've NEVER been.
8. Meal planning, I have some questions
9. Pop culture update...Biggest Loser anyone?
10. The one where my sister is moving three doors down from my brother and I'm totally jealous. NOT of their neighborhood or house, but of their neighborness.
11. Family room wall update...little decore re-do
Bum pain and sweat drops,