Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Fugitive NO MO!

Now, I know I'm pretty open around here.  I tend to talk about the poops and the problems and the flaws I have.  We all know depression sucks.  We are VERY clear on my stance on all things jeggings.  But....BUT, I may, I JUST may have a secret or two left.


I'm fairly sure you did NOT know that you have been reading the rantings writings of a fugitive of the law.  That's right my friends, moi, me, Als, MVP, I am really and secretly (though not so much anymore, since I'm coming out to you on the internets) a FIRST CLASS, Mother truckin BAD ASS!

Yes, it's true.  I'm legit ya'll.  A FUGITIVE.  As in, suspended license, had to pay bail to "the man" kind of fugitive.

So ridiculous really.

Let me explain.

And obvi, I can only talk about this now because, well, I paid my freaking bail, waited the required billion hours at the DMV and got my license reinstated today.

To quote some famous quote....."I'm free at last, I'm free at last, thank God almighty, I'm free at last."

Because trust me, these past few months of being a fugitive and running from the law have been stressful.  I may have grown a few more grey hairs in the process.  And my KIDS may or may not have a healthy fear of the po po.


Remember that time, wayyyyy back in April when I drove up to Utah for a lovely opportunity to sing in the world famous tabernacle.  The spend my time, giving of my talents to spread the word of the Lord?  Yeah...THAT time.

Sabes, Wenda and I were truckin along I-whatever it is that leads up Utah when it went down.  I had my cruise control set to 85.  For the record, the roads up there are 75 MOST of the way, with some intermittent 85's sprinkled in for good measure.  So, I'm about 2 hours outside Salt Lake (or 3, of a 10 hour drive) and all is going well.  Just outside of Fillmore (I hate your gutts) Utah is when it went down.  I was on my side of the freeway with a gap the size of the Grand Canyon between me and the other side.  I saw the stupid state trooper driving on the OTHER side.  I saw his lights go on, and I thought....BUMMER for whoever is getting that ticket.  I continued to drive.  Completely smug in the knowledge that I was on the OTHER side, AND, I wasn't really speeding THAT much.  But lows and beholds....a minute or two later I look up and what do I see?  Hint:  It was NOT popcorn popping on the apricot tree.  It was the freaking blinking lights and such of that "trooper."  So, I safely pull over, RIGHT under an 85 MPH sign.  Officer douche canoe saunters up and asks if I know why I'm being pulled over. 

My thought:  Honestly?  NO.  Because you were on the OTHER side.  What can you possibly get that is accurate if you're flying down the highway and I'm flying down the highway on OPPOSITE sides? 

Then he tried to get sassy and tell me he'd been chasing me for 5 minutes.  WHATEVER.  Like I had any reason to be watching my rearview mirror.  Anywhodle, he then tells me that I was going 95 in a 65.  HOLD THE PHONE....65?  Where in the hell was it EVER 65?  Apparently, according to Barney Fife there, it's briefly 65 in the "canyon."  So, he asks for my license and registration and proof of insurance.  Would you believe I totally couldn't find 2 out of the 3.  Good thing they can look that crap up on their computers.  An HOUR later he returned and handed me a FAT ticket for $360.00.  THREE.HUNDRED.AND.SIXTY.DOLLARS!!!  Are you kidding me?  HATE!

I will say, this is the first time I have recieved a ticket for speeding in over 15 years.  Also, the first time I've ever had any encounter with a cop and not cried.  And by that I mean...the 2 times I've recieved tickets in my stellar 22 years of driving, I totally bawled.  I clearly didn't want Sabrea to think I wasn't as cool as she thinks.

You KNOW I totally had to document it.  There was a blog post comin.  I just didn't know it would turn into fugitive status blogpost.  Shoulda taken a picture of Officer sucks a lot, but I didn't have it in me.

Right.  So, he stated that I had 14 days to contest said ticket.  IN UTAH!
News flash.  Don't live in Utah. 
Slight damper on my mood, but on we went to our destination.

Had a smashing good 4 days up there.  Sang, visited, played, etc.
On the way home I literally watched EVERY.SINGLE.SPEED LIMIT SIGN like a hawk.  And you know what?  It WAS 65 for all of 5 seconds.  But, more importantly, it turned to 75 literally half a millimeter out of that canyon.  SO, even if I was going 85, there is NO WAY on Gods green earth that he caught me in the 65 zone.  Because he was AFTER the canyon.  So, very least, I shoulda got a ticket for 85 in a 75.  Which would have reduced the amount significently.

I had a good argument.

And then....I sucked.

Let the excuses begin.

I DID happen to come home to the shit storm of '11.  Jere was in the middle of, well, you know.  the WORST depression time of his life.  Which led into MY worst depression of my life.  Literally, I have never suffered like that, and it was AWFUL.  You wonder why there are almost no entries for several months.  Life was complete and utter POOP around here.  I stopped functioning.  I layed in bed.  I cried.  I had panick attacks.  And none of it had to do with the freaking ticket, I'll tell you that much. 

So, there is a pretty good excuse.
Plus, here is another insight into me.  I'm TOTALLY a bury your head in the sand kind of girl.  I just want to believe that if I ignore it long enough or hard enough, it'll go away.

When the letter came that said, you missed your court date, call us, or write us or you're in big trouble.  I didn't even read it.  Jere did.  He told me I was in big trouble. 

I ignored.

Then when THE letter arrived that said....in words sorta like this I'm sure

"You are an OUTLAW!  You have ignored us, now you have to pay $527.00 in BAIL, and there is a warrant out for your arrest, and we are suspending your license and driving privelages.  If caught, you do NOT collect 200 dollars, you do NOT pass go.  You DO go directly to jail.  Cuff her Barney."

So, now my $360.00 went to $527.00.  Awesome.  'Cause I have THAT just laying around.  Oh,a nd did I mention we were MOVING in the midst of all these letters appearing.  UGH!

I will not lie.  The month of June was quite terrifying to drive.  I'm pretty sure I drove like a Gramma on downers.  I have NEVER followed speed limits to such a T.  Or used my blinker so much.  Or feared the sight of a police car so much in my life.  I also wore my seatbelt like it was my uniform.  When I had to take my nephews home, it was stressful.  They live a LONG car ride down the freeway away.  I literally would cruise control 1 UNDER the speed limit and watch my rearview mirror the entire time.  It was terrifying.  I would yell at my kids to get their seatbelts on, or sit down, 'cause if the police caught Mommy, she was goin to JAIL. They didn't like that.  I really tried to avoid driving anywhere but around my immediate area.  NOT FUN!

Then.....my parents caught wind of my status.
They were relentless.
"have you taken care of that yet?"

Finally, just before we left for Greer, I sold my first born child and got enough money to pay the bail.  Certified it and mailed it off to the bastard people of the Millard County Justice Court.

While in Greer, the letter came.
Thanks for you money....SUCKAH!  Now, take this letter to your DMV and have them lift the suspension.


I headed to the most awful place on earth and put in my time.  Waiting for EVER until they called my number.

I felt so dirty.  The woman totally thought I was a loser.  I could tell.  She smugly typed around on her computer screen.  And then, THEN she says to me.  "Are you prepared to pay the reinstatement fee?"

WHAT?  I have to pay MORE money just to have the "privelage" to drive.  I was NOT happy.  I said, NO, i wasn't aware of a fee.  She said, "yes, there is a fee, are you PREPARED to pay it today."  FINE, I'll pay your freaking ransom.  Just get me out of here.  So, she tinkered around for another year and FINALLY told me I was done.  EXCEPT, now I had to stand in line for a new license.  BALLS!

Thankfully, that didn't take long at all.  For the first time in 6 years I have a new license picture, which is good, since I was about 200 lbs. heavier in the last one.

I'm current.

Fugitive status lifted.  License reinstated.  Free to drive like the rockstar that I am.

Moral of this story:  NEVER drive near Fillmore Utah without a police scanner.  Just sayin.  Oh, and also, don't ignore letters from the court.  They mean business.

Not gonna lie, a weight has been lifted.  It'll be nice to drive without fear once again.

With that said.....I'm off to meet the teacher and a baseball game.  Wish us luck.

Cops and Robbers,



The Wizzle said...

You are a great storyteller.

My husband got a lame speeding ticket like that in southern Utah too. The police up there must be bored off their gourd, because they will get on your ass for any little thing!

Glad you got it taken care of. And a new picture - bonus!

Bryson Jones said...

OH MY GOSH I am so bitter with those D%$# police in Fillmore. That is the EXACT place that he pulled me over coming home from Vegas. As I was reading about how you came to a stop under the 85 mph sign, I was like, um that's exactly what happened to me coming out of that canyon.

Anywho, that is a nasty trap and a way for them to make money (aka should be illegal). So dumb. And they are the only county in Utah that does not offer driving school for out of staters, online or in person (only to citizens of Utah), and they are absolute jerks when you call them on the phone about it.

To quote the jerk woman who spoke with me, "Well that'll teach ya to not get a ticket in Fillmore county next time huh? You have a nice day now... click" SO PISSED. And now my rant is done :) so glad you are not a fugitive anymore.

Becky said...

Wow! You and my husband must live parallel lives! He totally got his license reinstated today too. I'm surprised you didn't run into each other. (Not like you would know if you did). :D (He's innocent, I tell ya!) And, yeah, that is totally a huge weight. Glad you got things straightened out.

Kristina P. said...

Holy crap! I better make sure that damn traffic camera ticket we got in Denver gets paid. I love out of state tickets that you can't contest.

The Atomic Mom said...

I just have to say UHP is EVIL. Don't ever speed going into Kanab...they will Ka-nab you and suck you dry. But...if you ever get caught in Fillmore again, I would suggest eating at Larry's. They have really good hamburgers and homemade ice cream shakes with real ice cream. Very good.

The Brinkerhoff's said...

SCARY OMG!!! But guess what I am a fellow OUTLAW,, I have court tomorrow about not having a permit for my house alarm...(didnt know anything about a permit until az is suing me over itt) NICE HUH... so pray I dont get thrown in the slammer, because I will not survive in there

LanaBanana said...

Zoinks. I got a ticket in Kanab for having too dark window tint. Nevermind that I pulled out my TX registration and safety inspection showing that I had passed the inspection for window tint!! He was like, "Oh, well, this is Utah and your tint is too dark for here." And he still gave me the ticket. And I was like, "So, before I enter a new state's territory I need to pull over and have my window tint redone?? Even if I'm registered in another state??" He was like, "Your tint is too dark. Here's your ticket."

Anyway, thankfully I was able to send copies of all that exact same paperwork in and they dismissed the ticket. But ever since that day I have known that all cops in Utah small towns are jerk-face cheaters and will screw over anyone they can--even when proven that they have no case.


Krystal Trapnell said...

I dare say cops in Provo/Orem are jerk face cheaters too. I think it must be mandated that they hide out in speed traps and hand out tickets to nice people. And it's an awful experience. So glad yours is behind you!

Lene said...

Damn those cops in Utah.

And it's great when your kids are older and bad mouthing stupid cops without any knowledge that those little dashboard mics pick up everything they say. Awkward...

DianD said...

So sorry for your whole experience! So RELIEVED that it is all taken care of! Hopefully we won't drivce too many more trips to Utah, but if we do, you can bet your sweet bippie I'll be all over your Dad like... well you know! I HATE forking out cash for things like that! I got a ticket in Idaho last year for going 35 in a 25 zone!!!! Which was on a main drag type road with back yard fences lining the road on each side!!! There was a tree covering the sign, I sent a picture, wrote a letter, etc. To no avail! I just didn't ignore it so it was a touch easier on the pocket book! Principle of the thing still got me! I'll be much more careful this year! Hope you don't go back to texting while driving, though! I'd throw the book at you if I ever saw you doing that and you'd deserve it!!! :) Just some sound motherly advice! :) :) :) Love ya!

jen said...

I actually had my license suspended and I didn't know it, since we'd moved and I never received the notice. Long story. I'll share sometime. What about the auction? Way funner than Craigslist.

LadyCarma said...

It is interesting to read the comments as most of us have had ticket incidents that were unjustified. My story with that happened in March of 2009. I was driving Steve new red Sportrac from Sherman, Tx to our home in Plano, had the windows down and the cruise set on 65, the posted speed limit. I saw the police car as I came over the rise, tapped the brake, checked my speedometer (yes I was going the posted speed), and was immediately surprised that an older model blue van went racing past me, pulling in front of my vehicle, almost hitting my front fender. I hit the brake some more and said "you jerk" as he raced past me. So imagine my surprise when I saw and heard the police lights pulling me over. The office said he clocked me going 85 miles an hour as I came over the hill! I knew I was not in the wrong, and asked if he had clocked the blue van that zipped around me, going way faster. "I saw that but I clocked you at 85." I argued with him, asking him how he could clock me going that fast when I NEVER drive that fast and I had my cruise set on 65. I argued my way enough that he just wanted to be rid of me. He gave me a verbal warning to drive the speed limit and left. I KNOW he clocked the other van speeding but pulled me over, thinking to bully me into admitting, but I knew I was in the right. No ticket for me for which I was grateful.