Monday, November 7, 2011

The Case of the Naughty Baby

I would just like to say.....for the record....I am NOT a very patient person.  No really, it is NOT on my list of good qualities.  Nowhere to be found really.  In my patriarchal blessing (a really amazing blessing giving to members of our church) it admonishes me to develop the quality of patience.  Hmmmm, FAIL!

The problem is, if I want something, I really WANT it THEN.  Right here and NOW!  I no likey to wait even 5 minutes, much less months for whatever it is I'm after.  If I've decided on something....oh good hell, get out the way, 'cause I'm coming for it.  And if I don't get what it is I want.  LOOK OUT!  I am NOT a very happy camper.

I know, I suck.  I get it.  I realize this is NOT a very endearing thing about me.  I need to work on it.  However, as it's still a problem I have, today is one of those moments where Mama ain't too happy.

You see.....I went in for my little Doctors visit.  Not expecting anything but a little measure measure and a listen to the heartbeat.  That's all I was scheduled for.  Not gonna lie, I've been a little nervous, feeling like something would be wrong.  So, when the Doctor comes sauntering in (a full 35 minutes late, good thing I like him) and sits down, checks out my chart and says...."18 weeks, hmmm, I'm surprised you're not having an ultrasound.  This is the time we usually do it."  I was like "Ummm, I TRIED to tell them that when I was scheduling  this.  I suggested I make an appt. for the ultrasound.  They told me NO,  you had to order it."  He rolled his eyes and said, I'll go talk to her and we'll get you in.  So, HOORAY.  I went from no ultrasound, to woopdy doo, an ultrasound and finding out the sex of my baby.  WOO HOO!!

Doctor heard the heartbeat.  I only gained THREE lbs. since my last visit.  Yay for me!  And then he sent me out to the lobby to drink water and fill my bladder up to bursting.  I swear to Buddah this is the last known doctors office on earth that still uses that outdated method.  Noone needs full bladders anymore.  Technology has sorta surpassed the need for the pee pee dance.  Nevertheless, I did as I was told.  I gulped down nearly my whole water bottle, and 1/2 hour later, when I thought I would DIE from the pain in my bladder, we were called back.  Max was with us, and thankfully he was in rare, cute, happy form.  I got up on the table and said "Let's DO this."

Now, this ultrasound tech is nice enough.  Really, she is.  But, she is just NO Betty (Maggies ultrasound tech).  Man I loved that woman, she was AWESOME!  This lady...meh.  So, she gets to work.  Starts prodding around.  We got some fine shots of the babys face, it's creepy skeletal eyeballs and opening mouth.  Excellent shots of its "huge" brain, beating heart, abdomen, legs, arms, everything.  This baby is doing quite well....growing, moving, everything it should.

HOWEVER......what it is NOT doing well is sharing it's little sexual secrets.  Little missy/mister whats its face REFUSED to uncross it's legs and show us what was going on in the down under.  She tried for a good 15 minutes and NOTHING.  Not even a real hint.  As you can imagine, this did NOT make Mama very happy.

Basically I ended up with a couple shots like this (which is another reason I don't like this ultrasound chick.  She literally only gives us 2 or 3 pics, that's it).


random shot I borrowed from google images.
But really, my pirate eye picture of my baby looks a lot like this.
Nice and all, but C'MON!

I'm used to Maggie who from her very first ultrasound laid in the womb like a hooker.  Her legs were always completely spread eagle. There was never ANY question as to what she was.  In fact, when she was born, she never once held herself in the fetal postion.  She came out with her legs spread, and well.......she still sleeps that way.  I think I'm gonna have to watch taht girl, ifyaknowwhatimean.

And Max, well, he was free with his jewels as well.  No question.  Just  "look ma, it's my dingy."

So here I am, child three and now I don't get to know.  NOT OK.  I'm dying.  I NEEEEEED to know.  I need to be able to pin down a name.  I have to know what clothes to pull out of storage and wash and get ready.  I need to know so I can start day dreaming about room decore.  I mean seriously.....super important stuff here. (hehehe)

Needless to say, THIS baby is on my crap list currently speaking.

Lamey ultrasound tech said MAYBE they'd do another one at 28 weeks.  Excuse me? WHAT?  I have to wait 2 1/2 more months to maybe find out.  Well, you can see how this is so NOT working for my patience factor.

Furthermore, I said to the doctor "Ummm, I'm like super old here.  Like considered "elderly" (yeah, they used that term to refer to my uterus).  Shouldn't I be getting ultrasounds every single time you see me?  You know, to make sure the cobwebs up in there aren't smothering the baby?  FO REALS!  He just smiled at me and moved on.  RUDE!

There you have it.......one impatient Mama, and one NAUGHTY baby makes for good times at the VP's.

And so......we wait.

Crossed legs and cross mamas,

Allyson

10 comments:

Mom of 12 said...

So sorry! One of mine did that too. But with the older ones we didn't even get that option and when we did, half the time they were wrong!
Sandy

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

As we already discussed, you know I am seriously scared of this happening! This is my last baby, and especially if it's a girl (gasp!) I'll need to buy EVERYTHING. Like, for reals. I don't know what I would do if my little bean refused to cooperate like yours!

The Scotts said...

You are hilarious!!! Hopefully this isn't giving you a preview of how this child will be!!! I'm not patient either!!

LanaBanana said...

COBWEBS SMOTHERING THE BABY!?! BWAHHHH! That was funny!

Melissa said...

If you are really, really impatient like me you can go to one of those pay places to find out the sex. I went to one in Phoenix and it cost $59. Yeah, it's a lot, but worth knowing.

The Bipolar Diva said...

I bought my daughters and daughter in law a kit from the drug store. i can't remember how much they were. One takes a drop of blood and the other ones were urine tests.....all were 100% accurate!

Steph said...

That would drive me crazy! Good luck! ;)

Mel said...

My ultrasound tech was a total hag and gave me the "ultrasounds aren't for determining the sex, they're to see if your baby is healthy" guilt speech. She wouldn't tell me either way what we were having. I was livid. So we went to one of those 3d places and got the cheapest package. I think it was sixty bucks at the time. Hope you find out soon. Heck, I can't wait 2 months...and its not even my kid.

Laraine Eddington said...

Give some women a wand and they think they are all powerful.

DianD said...

Well....welcome to my world of child bearing.... I had to rely on "dreams" to know. All accurate, by-the-way, BUT somehow not quite as reasurring as an actual picture like you guys get these days. Good luck! :) Meantime, you got the most important information of all -- baby developing well and healthy. :)