Wednesday, November 23, 2011

It all "Depends"

Fair Warning:  This post comes directly from the files of TMI in Allysons life.  Then again, that's why you come right? To hear inappropriate stories about hickeys, poop, boobs or what have you?  Well, let's get on it then.

Let it be known I have a HUGE bladder.  Like size of Texas huge bladder.  I have been known to go entire days without ever gracing a porcelain throne with my grand derrier.  It'll be like 10:00 at night and I sit down to "tinkle" and think....hmmmm, I haven't been to the bathroom once today.  I can go entire road trips, hours in a car with no need to pee pee.  Unlike other people, who shall remain nameless (cough:::jere::::cough) who seem to need to go every freaking 1/2 hour.  'Tis not to say that there haven't been some changes in my ability to hold pee in in certain situations. I mean, I HAVE had two children already, and I AM pregnant.  So, jumping on a trampoline...not so much a good idea these days, even when not pregnant.  A little trickle has been known to escape.  A good hard laugh, cough or even sneeze, OOPS!  C'mon ladies, who is with me here.  Things aint the same all up in there once you've birthed things the size of large watermelons.  But, I never worry about it much, 'cause I wear a panty liner, it's never so much that I need to change my pants.  We simply ignore the incident and move on with our day.

Anyway, imagine my surprise and dislike when pretty much from conception of this here child in utero I have been a peeing machine.  I mean really, how is it that something the size of a pin head can really disrupt your bladder THAT much.  But for reals....from day one I have used the toity more than I care to admit.  I'm up at least twice every night to relieve my screaming bladder.  And people, it's not just a little bit.  It is copious amounts of liquid I'm releasing.  How is this possible?  Where is it coming from.  I s'pose I should be grateful my kidneys are working, but still.........
I have OTHER things to do and worry about, namely, SLEEP!  Sheesh!

Now, enter the common cold and it's heinous sidekick the cough.  It appeared in my life on Saturday, late in the day.  By yesterday I was feeling pretty bleck and coughing a lot.  Generally speaking, keeping the pee issue under control.  I went to bed last night somewhere around 11:30ish.  I put the warm compress around my neck, drank a bit of water, put the cough drop in my mouth, positioned myself "just so" on the pillows and attempted sleep.  If I literally don't move, and barely breathe I can usually get a little sleep.  Around  5 a.m. things took an ugly turn.  There was no denying this baby and its position on my bladder and my neeeeeeeeed to relieve it.  I painfully rolled myself out of bed, walked to the bathroom and proceeded to urinate the niagra falls of pee.  I mean seriously.....WHERE does it all come from?

At this point, I attempted to go back to sleep, but rat nasty phlegm monster and his entire ugly family had been disturbed and were now ready to partay in my lungs.  I began coughing and could NOT stop.  After about 20 minutes I gave up and just got out of bed.  I walked into the family room, blanky in hand hoping that sitting on the couch would bring some relief.  NO!  So, I finally just reached for the computer and looked around facebook for a bit, and then decided to catch up on some blog reading.  All the while I'm reading I'm coughing, and coughing, and then coughing some more, with an occasional nose blow thrown in for good measure.  Now mind you, as I cough, a bit of pee escapes.  I think nothing of this.  ONE because I had JUST peed the aforementioned Niagra Falls of pee, and TWO because I'm used to the minor pee escape and THREE...fresh pantyliner.  All was fine.  At 6:30 Julie walked out to go to work.  I told her my life sucked with the cough and that I peed every time I coughed.  She laughed and then left.  At 6:50 Maggie came out and wanted to watch a Kids Show.  I turned it on for her, finished reading a blog, coughed one more time and decided I'd get up.


"oh my gosh, oh my gosh, OH.MY.GOSH!"

When I stood up; what should have felt a trifle wet was really soaking like a 2 year old in mid potty training SOAKED. 

I had completely and utterly 100% PEED MY PANTS...AND....THE COUCH. 

How did this happen?  How did I not notice what was going on?  I blame the couch, it just soaked it in.  Perhaps if I'd been sitting on a kitchen chair, I would have noticed Lake Pissayerpants at my feet.

You guys....responsible grownups just do NOT sit and pee their pants.  No, NO they do NOT!  So, not only did I have to do the walk of shame, wet pants style to my room, but I had to face a giant wet spot  Humiliating.  Worse yet, my kids saw it.  I'm just waiting for them to share this gem at Thanksgiving tomorrow.  "Our Mommy peed the couch."  Or worse yet, decide to just get lazy and pee somewhere and then say  "Well...youuuuuuuuuu did it!"

So thanks baby in my belly, I blame you, because well, you can't defend yourself and SOMEONE has to take the blame for this epic mishap.

Now, where are those Depends my Mom tried to give me?  Apparently it's time to take some action.

Wet pants and wheezing,



✩Molly✩ said...

Since you have shared your embarassment I will share mine. I am also used to having a strong bladder and usually could get up in the morning, make the babys bottle and get her all settled in before I leisurely strolled to the bathroom to let the floodgates open... But no. Now I have to run to the bathroom when the baby wakes me in the morning or I will pee myself when I run the water for her bottle... Ridiculous. Just ridiculous. Thank you children for ruining my bladder. -Molly

DianD said...

Hmmmmm. I hope it really is a bladder issue and not a leak in your water bag. Might need a check with the Dr. to be sure. I had one of those "leaks" when I was prego with Jenny!

Hope you get better soon. Do you need me to get the potatoes and bring them home to mash??? Or get Julie to help you out there.

Kristina P. said...

Wow. I have sharted before, sadly, but never full on peed the couch.

I have a tiny bladder. I have to get up like 8 times a night. It sucks.

azandersens said...

We need to talk. Just met a great DTD yesterday that deals with these issues. But I agree with DianD. Make sure it is pee and not amniotic fluid!

Mama Marilyn said...

your posts really are funny, and I admire you for your lack of shame, lol ;-) I, too, have always had a steel bladder, UNTIL being pregnant and having kids, so I can relate! however, I've not ever had that experience, and like someone else already mentioned, I'm concerned that it's not pee, but amniotic fluid! PLEASE get that checked - it doesn't seem like it's just a bladder issue... good luck! (and thanks for sharing - haha!!)

WhisperingWriter said...

Ha, it's okay, it happens.

I tend to pee when I laugh too hard. Not fun.

alison said...

i have a pea sized bladder....i am NOT fun on road trips ;) although the more i'm in the teaching profession, the better i get since our bathroom breaks are rigidly scheduled! just wait til that third kiddo think it's bad now?? mwah hahahahaha! i don't even DARE venture onto the trampoline! in fact, i won't even go near one just in case my bladder sees it and contracts in fear ;)

The Atomic Mom said...

I'm sorry that happened, but holy cow I'm laughing...probably should go use the toity myself...We had to stop every 2 hours for me on the way home...good times. I hate public restrooms.

Stephanie @ dial m for minky said...

I am really trying to comment, but I am just laughing too hard!

Holly Decker said...

you are NOT alone, darling. i am right there with you! seriously, my bladder has never been the same since I had my second kid... so lets go buy a huge box of depends at costco and split it.
so excited that Jere told me your blog address... and super excited to sing with you... assuming you really are going to ask me to. i almost died in happiness when he said you wanted to sing together.
and... lets have a play date sometime- Jere says our boys are carbon copies, plus i am in desperate need of decoration advice.
hooray for blogs :)

Bryson Jones said...

Oh my goodness I related so much to this post!!!! My entire life is a series of small bladder moments I swear. When I have to pee it comes with a Fire Hydrant's PSI and usually doesn't last that long. Sucks! I'm the guy on the trips who has no shame in pulling over on the trips to relieve himself on the side of the road. Nope, not me. All the world is a toilet :)

Secondly, as I was reading I was reminded of a worse incident. You think peeing your couch is bad? Try this on for size. Try peeing the front seat of the girl's car, giving you a ride home from school your SENIOR year, whom you've actually had a crush on for 3 years, all because you cough and perhaps have a little pee squeeze out, and you can't stop the niagra falls exploding from your bladder once the floodgates are opened even a little bit. Yep. One of life's best gems.