Monday, July 2, 2012

Nutritional Redonkatude

Oh.My.Gosh you guys....I JUST made up that word  "redonkatude."  I love it.  I'm so gonna make it work.  Unlike "fetch" which Gretchen could never quite make stick in Mean Girls.
BTDUB, WHO am I with a post EVERY day this week.  What is going on?

Right.  So last week whilst exposing my children to their first dental visit, in between taking pictures of them, I perused the latest People Magazine.  It was all about celebrities weight, and celebs that had lost weight and what skinny bitches celebs eat.  All was well and good until I turned to THIS page:

I implore you to click on this picture and read the contents of Staceys eating,.

Ok, you done reading yet?
Please insert the sound of screeching cars, or the record scratching to a halt right here.  WHAT THE HELL?!!  WHO eats like that, for reals?

No, No, I get it...Stacey Keebler is hot.  Her legs are to die for.  She has an amazing body.  Who will EVER forget her in her dresses on Dancing with the Stars (sidebar: If i didn't LOVE Drew Lachey so much, I'd totally say Stacey was robbed)?  Certainly not I.  And for heavens sake, she IS dating MY boyfriend George, which really torks my shorts! But that's neither here nor there.  However, if THAT is what it takes to date George, and have her body....well count me out.  I will take my "lucious" curves.  I will take my lumps, bumps and humps.  Because honestly, did you SEE her snack of TEN organic almonds sprayed with amino acid spray?  WHAAAAT?   And if I saw the word "organic" one more time I may have punched her in her fun bags.

WHO snacks on precisely TEN almonds? Because I happen to know that a serving size of almonds is 1 oz. and having measured out said ounce for myself, that equals TWENTY FIVE almonds. So, where are her extra 15 almonds going? No really, WHERE are they? Furthermore....Who drinks hot water with lemon for BREAKFAST?  1 tsp. TEASPOON of dressing?  Is that even possible!!??  And what is she, part owner of Qure water?  Why specifically QURE water?  I neeeeeed to know. Really, how do you keep up with that crap?  There has to be some "normal" somewhere.  I'm just sayin.

I wish I woulda taken a picture of the page of the stupid little starlets talking about their "worst" food mistakes.  Like the time ::gasp:: this one girl ate one bite of a candybar and said out loud, she was really gonna have to work out extra hard to get that off.  Or the other chick who inexcusably craves doritos, but only allows herself to eat 2, or something stupid like that.  It's not that I begrudge them striving to maintain an unattainable figure, or having control in their lives.  It's just the level of ridiculousness of it.  Again, may I remind you....Hot water is NOT breakfast.  I just have a really hard time accepting that THAT is how you must eat to ever maintain your body.  Is it legitimately impossible to ever just eat something delicious and not gain weight?  Food is so stupid.  So tempting, so desirable, and yet, it makes us fat.  Unless of course you're Stacey Keebler eating 10 almonds for your snack.

That being said, I HAVE lost 20 lbs. in a month and it included eating MORE than 10 almonds and non organic foods.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to drink nothing but shakes for a week so I can lose 7 lbs. before my BIG show premiere. Because let's be honest.....I need to lose those 7 lbs. so I can be at my sveltest (yeah, i said it) as I do only wear a slip in the opening number of the show.  Me, a black bra and a slip.  I'm frightened for you all.  BUT, sometimes ya just gotta do what ya gotta do.

Diets suck,


P.S.  My show: I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change is supes awesome and you should for sure come see it, and me, in my slip, having lost 7 lbs more this week so you don't have to hard, at the sight of me, in a, have I mentioned....SLIP!  Just sayin.


The Atomic Mom said...

Notice there is no DAIRY in her diet....your body needs dairy. And lets just say this right here and now...that is not living. Seriously, we are to enjoy life. I'll take my curves with a side of ice cream thankyouverymuch. No wonder there is an eating disorder crisis in this land and women have complexes. Oh, now there is a BEE IN MY BONNET....I do feel a blog about this coming on....BEE!

Bare Handed said...

I think everyone should have to get publicly really pushes you to look your best! SERIOUSLY. For the FULL MONTY show I had to dance down to a G string, and for HAIR I had take it all off! I mean it, EVERYTHING! So yeah, I started seriously working out AND also watching what I eat.

Breakfast: Plain oatmeal and egg whites. Black coffee.

AM snack: After workout, Protein Shake, handful of nuts.

Lunch: chicken breast, or tuna(low fat mayo), 2 small red potatos, raw veggies.

PM snacks(2): fiber bar, Kashi Go Lean Crunch(no fat milk), nuts.

Dinner: Whatever the family was having. Just smaller portions. Heavier on the meat. Less salt and fat.

But I lost my love handles in 2-3 weeks, and also gained some muscle. I think this is mostly because I actually cared about what I ate. No junk food.

I heard this guy say on the web that if it tastes good spit it out, cause it's most likely bad for you. I think this is basically good advice. Cause most of the stuff I ate was bland, but I began to think of myself, as a machine only needing specific fuel. Just eat it and move on. I think we get into trouble when we consider food as a recreational activity, to provide pleasure. I also think it's good to get into patterns, like Stacy's ten almonds. It is probably less than an ounce, but probably enough for her to feel satiated in achieving her pattern or ritual. (Also, lemon water in the morning is basically tea. She also drank fruit and veggie smoothies in the morning.)

So now that the shows are over and I'm not stripping publicly anymore, I gave up the diet, and the exercise, and in a matter of days, I feel like the love handles are back. This just goes to show, you are what you eat. Cause I certainly don't eat like I did.

But it was a great experiment to show that I could have enough self-control to change my mind and body when I needed to, or if I want to.

LadyCarma said...

Your blog cracked me up this morning. Really, you wear a slip for a scene! You are brave!

In defense of "super skinny girl" in the article, warm water in the morning helps get your system in gear for the day, helping to flush out accumulations from the night of sleep. It really is very good for your body.
If indeed she eats only 10 almonds for a snack, all the more will power to her! The problem some of us have is that we LOVE food too much and we give into our cravings too often. For example, my husband lost 35 pounds with Fit for Life but has gain back ten because he can't do portion control of what he eats. He gives in to the craving. Instead of one cookie at the church social, he pigs out with the ice cream, brownie, toppings and the cookie, thinking that it won't hurt him this once. Before he realizes it, it is several times a week that he 'indulges' and then blames other things for the weight gain.
Eat healthy (which does NOT mean all organic), eat less, and move more! That is the secret! I will get off my soap box now.

alison said...

girl...i am behind you ten thousand percent. i mean, there are extremes on both ends. eating 42 cookies a day, topped with a tub of whipped cream and a bottle of caramel isn't exactly the smartest choice....but TEN almonds? gimme a break. i try to maintain a middle ground when it comes to food. we eat lots of veggies (that we grow in our OWN's THAT for organic, mrs. keibler??!!) and fruits. we drink tons of water. most of our meat is venison, which is leaner than beef. we play outside a vast majority of the day. and when i want a milkshake? or a cookie? or a sugary mountain dew? by golly i get me one!! could i stand to get a little more in shape? probably so. but three kids will take a toll on your body and i don't have a personal trainer or an in-home chef. i think her diet is a bit redonkulous...but then again, i don't have magazines knocking on my door to do photo shoots so i can get away with imperfection :)

Holly Decker said...

congrats on your weight loss... i was going to tell you how great you looked on Sunday but it never happened. but i always think you look great, so just go ahead and assume that you do. cuz you do.

and... i just have to say that i am so freaking sick of all the LIES told in magazines and online and on TV about weight loss. i know that i sound like a retard because i am no beauty queen, but as i educate myself in the fitness department (for my own health and benefit) i realize more and more lies that are constantly being thrown at us. and i think you are way more gorgeous than those girls. those girls make me sad. and i like your new word. and... this is a dumb paragraph, i am done.

Diane said...

loved your post!

As a former Twinkie Mom who has been forced to turn into a "crunchy Mom" for health reasons- I agree- no one should be only eating 10 almonds!

Your message of "moderation" came through loud and clear, and thank you! I was feeling bad for sampling organic coconut milk strawberry ice cream, with two tons of organic sugar(corn allergy,corn is actually added to some sugars!) and feeling a little rotten about falling off the junk food wagon-

Weight is a very different monster then nutrition- organic doesn't always mean the best choice, and once in awhile a candy bar really does prevent me feeling as old as Betty White. :-)

Dixiechick said...

Well, for the record…so let it be written, so let it be said, I eat WAY A LOT of crap! I know I'm not Stacey Keibler, but I look alright. Some of my favorite things to eat: ice cream, hamburgers, cookies, brownies w/ice cream, cookies w/ ice cream, and other yummy things…and especially if they include ice cream. :) People get caught up in extremes in both directions. Moderation peeps, it's the key. A little ice cream a day goes a long way! :)