Monday, November 23, 2009

Vampires be damned - or - Who needs Edward Cullen?

Ok friends, it's time to discuss an important topic....one that is sort of embarrassing, but must be addressed none the less. You see, I have this problem and that is...my skin is RETARDEDLY sensitive. Sensitive in the sense that if you LOOK at it and think about leaving a mark, you will. I gave up my Miss America dreams LONG ago due to the many and varied scars, marks, scrapes and otherwise less than perfect looks I've acquired. This same problem especially applies to moments like this:


Someone MIGHT be playing around, or they MIGHT mean it. Whatever the case...

If Edward Cullen came a creepin my way, I'd be in mightly big trouble. Because regular Jere came creepin my way last night in a moment of "naughtiness" (I'm fully aware that that is an image noone wanted nor needed, but HEY, the Chubbingtons enjoy a good romp now and then too, 'cause babies got to come from somewhere). And THIS is the result:








Do you SEE that? Can you even STAND it? A Hickey! A FREAKING HICKEY! And not just a wee little bite, but a ridiculously huge, you can see it from the Moon, it's the size of TEXAS Hickey. Honestly, this is so embarrassing. I fully believe that nothing is more classless than hickeys (well, don't get me wrong, a well placed, out of view for the world to see hickey is JUST fine). Nothing says, hey I'm a trashy who-er MORE than a big fat on my neck for all the world to see HICKEY! When I woke up this morning and stumbled into the bathroom and was hit with this site, I let out a scream and told Jere I hated him and he must now die. Seriously, he knows FULL well that I can NOT be messed with in that way. Oh geez, what to do. I tried makeup, but you all KNOW that does nothing. So, instead, I just held my head up high and took my three kids to the Wal-Mart, 'cause that's where skanky, hickey necked who-ers go to shop; and I did my thing.






How about you? What are your thoughts on hickeys? Anyone had one lately?











Vampire bites and housewife ho's,



Allyson

32 comments:

Dixiechick said...

I'm pretty sure I haven't enjoyed a blog post like enjoyed this one in awhile. Hahahahah!!! I just kept laughing and laughing and Morgan kept asking, "Mom, why are you laughing?" I just told her it's because her Aunt Allyson is hilarious. Wow. Truly a masterpiece. Oh and by the by, you can try your brains out to give me a hickey and they will not stick to me. Really, I don't bruise and I don't hickey--can you make that a verb? So I'm sorry, I probably took all the non-hickeyness out of the gene pool. My bad.

Crandell Fam said...

So, this isn't Allyson commenting on her own post...it's Jenny. I just read this and literally laughed my "arse" off!! HA! Seriously. You need to write for a magazine because you are some kind of funny. And I'm right there with you on the need for NO HICKEYS (in places of view) EVER! However, I think I'm kind of like Dixie because I don't usually get them. Sorry! Funny. Funny. Funny.

Wendy said...

I bruise easily too. I am an absolutely NO hickey girl. It just seems like hanging out a sign that says, "I got busy recently."

One day while reflecting on this phenomena it occurred to me ...Pregnancy sends the same message! No amount of makeup will hide that evidence.

I suppose a shirt wrapped around the belly clad baby that says, "This was created in a petri dish" might help a little, but that is one doodle that can't be undid.

Perhaps the next shopping excursion should include an
"I interviewed with a vampire" t-shirt.

Alas, it is Thanksgiving...be thankful it is cold enough to possibly get away with a turtleneck?!!

Thanks for the chuckle!

azandersens said...

Hahahaha! When I first saw the photos I thought you were writing a post about New Moon or something. The Walmart part was the icing on the cake!

Melissa said...

So funny. I remember my friend in hs made out with a guy and had hickeys all over her face and neck, it looked like she had been in a fight. Do you know what she told her mom? 'curling iron burn.' So maybe just stick with that one. Curling iron burn. Yes, they are trashy, but at the same time, you know that at least someone was having a good time recently.

Taylor Morris said...

Well, I'm not a "housewife ho," but I can sympathize with the hickeys, having a permanent one myself.

Fortunately, I don't really feel self-conscious about it.

One time, though, I was giving a tour and I could see this set of parents in the back of my group, whispering excitedly, talking behind their hands, and gesticulating in the general direction of my neck. So I called them out and was like, "Oh, are you talking about my hickey?" They were shocked. It was pretty awesome.

Sabrina Bodine said...

LOL! LOL! LOL! Once again, another fabulous post! You are too funny.
As for myself, I am NOT a hickey girl. But props to you for being a sport and for being so bold as to posting a blog such as this. You are the only person I know that can get away with talking about "what you did last night" and get away with it:)

The Fischbeck's said...

"I just held my head up high and took my three kids to the Wal-Mart, 'cause that's where skanky, hickey necked who-ers go to shop; and I did my thing."

That my friend has to be one of the best sentences you have ever written! Ü

Aaah, I am so glad your blog exists---you make me laugh sister!

p.s. tell Jere that he looks JUST like I imagine Edward Cullen Ü

The Coolest Allen Family said...

You are awesome! I hate hickeys on me too. But for some reason I think it is hilarious to give one to my husband. He does not find it amusing.


"who-er"....hee hee!

Steph said...

You crack me up!

And the new clothes are fabulous!

Jason and Kate said...

Oh my! You are hilarious! "but HEY, the Chubbingtons enjoy a good romp now and then too, 'cause babies got to come from somewhere). And THIS is the result:"
I am literally crying from laughing so hard. The Walmart bit was the cherry on top. I'm the same way with hickeys. Hate them in places that clothes don't cover! Once this same thing happened to me when we were first married and I had to go to work without having my students or anyone else for that matter noticing. Now, everytime the hubby gets close to the neck I gently remind him that I don't appreciate white trash marks!

jen said...

Like I told you today, this entry was stellar!
Hold your head high, girl, and be glad you didn't have to explain it to Tucker today. That would have been bad.

Dana said...

I'm pretty sure Dooce makes a CRAPLOAD of money from her blog. She ain't got nothing on you sister (except for a ridiculously foul potty-mouth). Give me your kind of "adult language" any day! Seriously, how can you get into the blog bucks?

Andrea said...

Who ever azanderson is, we think alike. I totally thought you were going to say you were pro Edward or something. And the Walmart thing was just perfect. You really should publish short stories for a magazine or something. Love ya!

✩Molly✩ said...

I always love a good bite, It is a great benefit, growing your hair longer, more places to hide the teeth marks... lol

Do we need to sing Jere the "Don't bite your friends" song from Yo Gabba Gabba?

love ya.

Elaine said...

Hahahahahah!!!!! This was SOOO funny!!! I haven't had a hickey in a while...sadly ;)


clothedmuch.blogspot.com

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Starving Artist's Wife said...

I haven't had such a laugh in a while!
Hickeys are embarrassing, to say the least. Haven't had one in a LONG while! My husband never gives them and I am glad!
Saw you on SITS, so I dropped in to visit and give you a holler! Love your blog. You and your family are wonderful and I love your sense of fun and humor!

Jennifer said...

"Babies got to come from somewhere..." You got that right.

I feel about hickey's pretty much the same way you do. Ewww.

Young Wife said...

This is such a funny post! Stopping by from SITS.

Michelle said...

Hilarious! Love the Wal-Mart comment ;-)

My friend bruises easily like this. I am lucky I don't!

Quasi Serendipita said...

Oh no! I have the same problem - my skin bruises at every opportunity. And I do hate hickeys...

Jenn Erickson said...

I agree about hickeys...ewww...

I too have really sensitive skin, and have been the victim of the unintentional hickey. Lovely having to go to work the next day with that little beauty!