Tuesday, July 13, 2010

6th Grade The FINALE....No If's, Ands or "Butts"

Jenny and I giggled as we sat in the little room in the garage, a room FILLED with cans of half used paint, cans of spray paint and various and sundry other garagey things.  We were so pleased with ourselves and our secrecy.  There we sat, amongst the "flamables" rolling up pieces of paper, lighting them on fire, and then sucking in the smoke and then blowing it out.  Yes, we were lighting fire in a room full of paint vapors.  We were one match scratch away from someone saying to my parents, ala "Better off Dead", "Sorry your kids blew up Tony."  Seriously, it's a miracle we didn't explode, and set the house on fire.  But, what did we care...all we wanted was to see smoke come out of our mouths.  And, if we weren't in our garage room, we were in the camper on the back driveway, lighting matches, blowing it out, putting our mouth around it and then....blowing out the smoke.  CLEARLY we had a little obsession.  This is something we did rather regularly.  I mean, we went through a total pyro phase, that nearly had us burn down our house, but I'll save that for another post another day.  I tell you this story, because it is the precursor to where I went next with this.

And let me just say here, what I am about to admit to is the epitome of "Hard core", I mean I could have practically been a member of "the outsiders" at this point  ::SNORT::.  Apparently I was so ashamed of this escapade in my life, I never told my Mom.  Well, I would swear that I HAD shared this, but she told me yesterday that she did NOT know this about me. Evidently, she didn't know a lot of things about me.  So see, enlightenment all around.  I'm cleansing my soul of my super, "SUPER BAD" sins. hehehehehe (and really, how awesome would it be if this was TRULY the worst of my offenses in life.)

Perhaps you can see where this is going...no?  If not, don't think less of me for succumbing to the wiley ways of my more "seasoned" neighbor.

After Nicole had completely blown my mind with the "sex" eye opener, and the fake period, and the park time swears, I was obviously ready for the next phase of her "evil" plan.  She knew of our little paper rolling and smoke blowing parties.  So, somewhere along the way, she convinced me how cool it would be to comb the gutters for discarded cigarette butts, then light them and finish them off.  Just writing that makes my gag reflex go crazy.  How utterly disturbing and disgusting is that? That's probably how I contracted the Herpes. At least that's what Jere says.  Thanks again Nicole.  Oh my sides....will the laughter never stop.  HA! 

I see it clearly, there we were, wandering the alley and up our street, eyes intently searching the gutter for a suitable cigarette butt.  Nicole assuring me that it was ok, even as I winced at the grossness.  But, find some we did, and light them we did.  This went on for a few weeks, while we talked about the greater plan....

Jody in all her Barbie perfect glory was now brought in on our big plan.  The one where Nicole would sneak into her brothers room and steal 3 cigarettes, one for each of us to smoke.  We would skulk our way to the field at the end of the street, and then we'd get down in the ditch, where we'd light up and smoke our cigs.  It was planned down to the smallest detail, and you should know, Karen was NOT invited to our cool, "let's smoke cigarettes" club.  I'm not entirely sure why that was...unless we just instinctively knew she would NOT succumb to the lure of the smoke.  Or maybe we knew she'd be a big tattley tell.  It's a mystery.

The big day arrived, we met up at Nicoles house for our rendezvous with destiny (or at least a rendezvous with the stank of nicotine and tobacco).  While we waited outside, nervously searching the street for any possible foils to our plan, she stealthly slipped into her brothers room and returned with the contraban. SUCCESS!  Next we walked casually down the street and into the field.  We crouched down into the ditch and attempted to light up.  It was windy that day, and it was a little tricky getting it going.  Eventually we succeeded, the cancer stick came to life, glowing deep red, and there we were, giggling and laughing at how cool we were.  I was oh so fascinated with the whole way you hold a cigarette, and how it felt in my hand.  I felt like a movie star, or something like that.  But mostly, I liked to blow smoke out of my mouth (as opposed to up your ass, if you know what I'm sayin, hehehe).  I can honestly say, I have something in common with Bill Clinton...with all the truth in the world...I did not ever inhale.  I really, really didn't.  I sucked in and puffed out.  I never understood why people would cough, like on TV or movies, when they smoked for the first time.  Yeah, well apparently I missed the WHOLE point of "the smoke" (the good part, as Jere likes to say.  Sidenote, did you know that Jere used to be a total smoker?  I know, wierd, and gross right?).  So anyway, there we were, sucking in, blowing out, watching the wisps of smoke blow away in the breeze,  when suddenly Karen appeared in the field.  Riding her bike, yelling our names, looking frantically for us.  We all rolled our eyes and giggled some more.  She was so NOT gonna know about this little party.  We hunkered down and watched her frantically ride back and forth looking for us, and smoked our little "black" hearts out.

When we finished up our "smoke", we smashed the butts, wiped the dirt off our clothes and headed back toward Jodys house.  We were met by Randy and Chris riding their BMX's, and we told them what we'd just done.  Their response was awesome!  Mostly impressed with us, and then they gave us this sage, SAGE advice.  They told us to go and immediately eat a whole bunch of cheese, because that would take the smoke smell away.  And you better believe....we cheesed it up something fierce.

I won't lie, I felt HORRIBLE and GUILTY when all was said and done.  I was SURE that it was written all over my face...."I'm a naughty smoker."  I avoided eye contact with my parentals.  I wallowed in my guilt for being such a sinner.  And I swore that I would NEVER, EVER smoke again.  And, I didn't.  Until sometime later (like months) I went to Nicoles and she took me out to this shed room and let me in on a little secret.  She had still kept smoking.  WHAT?  This was news to me.  She convinced me to just smoke with her one more time.  So, we went over to the side of her house, in the backyard and smoked again.  I tell you....she was taking me DOWN!

However, I swear on a stack of bibles, that was the LAST time I ever let that foulness touch my lips.  I got it out of my system, and I went on to live in all purity forever more.  HA!  But, if it counts for ANYTHING whatsoever...I have NEVER even tasted a drop of alcohol of any kind.  So, there is that..right?

Furthermore, Nicole and I remained friends, but there was a difference after that.  She was at my 12th birthday party in 7th grade, but we were definitely not as "tight" as we once were.  Then, she moved away at some point in Jr. high.  I literally never saw or heard of her again. UNTIL...

2 years ago I ran into her in Sprouts.  It was so random and so wierd.  The good news is, she is married, has like 5 kids and is a solid, upstanding citizen.  Her skanky, smoking ways all left behind in her past.

Ahhh youth....ain't it sweet.

Let's play a little game.  Take a moment, think hard...time to confess something dumb you did as a kid.  If I can admit to my "deepest darkest" 6th grade secret, so can you.  Let's see what kind of fun stories we can get in the comments.

Ciggies and cheese chunks,

Allyson

19 comments:

the shoafs said...

i stole a beer out of my parent's fridge and ran into the woods all stealth-like. i remember popping the top on it and taking a sip. i immediately spit out the nastiness and poured the rest out. i was something like 10 years old. and THEN, when i was 15 i went on a trip to europe with my french class. my mother was the teacher/chaperone. we went to amsterdam and they had beer....IN the vending machines in the hotel. so a group of us pooled our change and bought all that our pockets could hold. we sat in the room and drank a good 1.5 beers each....feeling all cool and "european" (they were heineken beers). instead of throwing the cans in the trash (you know...we didn't want to leave any evidence!) we tossed them out the window. unfort....our window was right above a skylight in the dining area, so when we all went down to breakfast the next morning there were beer cans dotting the huge skylight! all of us sat there and stared at our plates praying no one would look up. lesson: alcohol is NEVER a good plan ;)

the shoafs said...

oh yeah...fyi...i finally 'fessed up to my mom on that last one about 5 years ago. she laughed, but oh she wouldn't have at the time!

The Atomic Mom said...

I used to call those 900-number party lines when I'd go baby sitting. Many, people were shocked at how expenxive my services really were.

The Atomic Mom said...

I used to call those 900-number party lines when I'd go baby sitting. Many, people were shocked at how expenxive my services really were.

Dixiechick said...

So you stopped all the smoking but apparently not all the swearing. Swear face. I can't believe you ran into her at Sprouts. Crazy! Did you tell her you want your innocence back? :)

Mel said...

Okay, that is so funny to picture you smoking it up.
I was the picture of squeaky clean until after high school. I waited until my 21st bday to have my first drink, have never smoked a single cigarette or anything else.
I did hold a cigarette once, and I thought for sure I was going to get caught for that.

My brother and I used to steal caramels from the candy buckets at the grocery stores. I always had him do my evil bidding. I got him to steal a thing of Lee press on nails once.

We used to make all kinds of prank calls before caller id and *69 ruined our fun.

Kristina P. said...

I was such a goody two shoes. I never really did anything like that.

And the whole scrounging for cigarette butts? All the kids I work with still do that. It's gross.

jen said...

Nothing as devilish as you. Sorry.
You really were bad. :)
Enjoyed the trip through sixth grade.

Tara LaRue said...

I was somewhere with my family, eating at a restaurant (I think) and they had a bowl of chocolate mints. I grabbed one and held on to it, then while we were walking away (it seems we were in a mall somewhere) I looked at the hidden candy in my hand and realized it had a price tag on it (25 cents I believe). I freaked and threw the candy away in the trash can as we walked by. I felt so guilty for so long for stealing. Seriously major apologies going on in my nightly prayers for weeks afterward. Never confessed to my parents though. Andrea either. I didn't think I needed to burden her with my unlawfulness.

erin said...

oh my friends & i were stealers! haha! there was a 7-11 down the street from our house that we would go to like everyday & we would always try & take something. & it was always something so small-like the individual Now & Laters or something like that. what did those cost like 15 cents? could i really not pay for that?? haha!

DianD said...

So glad you didn't blow up the house and yourselves with your pyro/smoke stage! Sheesh! My Grandpa Pete, who used to roll his own, sat me on his lap and told me to smoke one of his so I'd never want to again.... and I didn't. I must have been abot 7 when I did that! Never could understand why people were obsessed with it. Guess G'pa took the mystique out of it somehow!

Dana said...

13 years old. Mom and dad were off on a trip somewhere and had hired a nice unsuspecting married-with-children couple to stay with us. I just boldly asked the woman for the keys to the car and told her I was going to the store. She handed them to me, hesitate for just a second and said, "you drive, right?" I looked at her with COMPLETE confidence and said, "of course." And off I went. I drove the suburband rest of the time mom and dad were gone. I even took the lady and "cruise main" with her while we were on our way to Dairy Queen to get treats for the family. Seriously, I have NO IDEA what really possessed me to think I was completely capable of safely handling the car and faking them out.......but I was, and I did, and I'm glad that none of my children read your blog!! (oh ya, and 5 of the 6 of them already have their licenses!!)

LanaBanana said...

Ha! You're an evil little thing aren't you? :) I was perfectly moral and upstanding. I smooched a boy in a truth or dare situation at a birthday party. But seriously, he was the shyest little thing and had super dry lips. I do NOT count it at all. I really can't remember much of my childhood--unlike you! Amazing memory. I'm sure I told some lies or cheated. Not a lot to admit to...

I just loved this post. So funny. So naughty. Cancer stick--hahahaha.

Krystal Trapnell said...

Why are good kids obsessed with smoking? I would never have touched a real cigarette as a child, but I did pretend to smoke. On cold days at the bus stop we would blow our breath out and pretend it was smoke. And the candy cigarettes that puffed "smoke." Those were so naughty!

I'm going to tell Jeff what Chris told you about cheese. We need to find out how he knew about that...

Angie Dean said...

I had to laugh...then smirk an evil knowing smirk...then laugh again. To the grave my dear...the secrets we keep go to the grave!

Jen West said...

No big secrets! We were annoying, but not bad. 6th grade was basically hiding _The_Hobbit_ from our teacher so he couldn't read it to us and then putting our bikes in the back of his truck and making him drive us home. Poor man. I have apologized profusely!

Minky said...

Dub and I stole the only liquor in my mom's cabinet. A bottle of Wild Turkey someone had given her adn proceeded to ride a public bus and get wasted. In the middle of the day. When we were 12. It was so awful!! neither one of us is a big drinker to this day and I am wondering if a combo platter of bad alchohol, bus fumes and motion sickness might have secured that position.

Crandell Fam said...

Does Nicole R read your blog? I'm just sayin' that could be bad. :) I did nothing wrong ever. I was perfect. I still am. Oh, except I might lie sometime...

Karen Heslop said...

It's funny, I just told my kids last night about us going in your trailer and blowing out matches and putting them in our mouths to blow smoke out. Just one of the stupid things we did, which included burning our tongue many times. I also told them about how we'd make each other pass out and threatened them with their lives if they ever did anything so stupid! That's my confession but that's all you get. I may not tell you more, because it might end up on your blog! Thanks for the trips down memory lane and all the laughs. It couldn't have really been 25 years ago? Crazy! Keep em coming, Allyson. I need a good laugh every so often, even if it's at my own expense. Fun times!