Friday, December 5, 2008

A Word To the Wise

This public service announcement is brought to you lovingly by moi. Just a word to all you ladies (moms) out there who EVER for one moment think it's ok to just trim your kids hair. Just don't do it, ok. Unless you are a licensed professional, I suggest you just put the scissors down and back away slowly or something like this can happen:

Look, she fully understands the travesty of justice just imposed on her.

WHAT WAS I THINKING? I'll tell you what I was thinking. My brain, which is currently in a seriously sleep deprived state took a looksy at my darling daughter whilst she was bathing (in the sink) and thought to myself..."I can't stand her bangs hanging down to the middle of her eyes anymore. I'll just get the scissors and do a teeny little snip and all will be better." So I DID get the scissors, I carefully combed her wet hair all down in front of her eyes, and SNIP. And after that first snip, I thought "SNAP." Instead of a mere teensy trim, I'd taken a good inch off. (Frankly, I should have just handed her the scissors and told her to go to town, 'cause she would probably have done a better job of it.) Oh well, had to go with it now. At first, I didn't see HOW bad it really was. But, once I got her out, and properly fitted in her pj's, the true damage was apparent. Holy poo, what to do? I told Jere that Lana was going to KILL me! So, I called Lana and reported my sins. She laughed at me, and told me to scoot my buns down to the salon, since she was still there. My LUCKY day, 8:00 on a Wed. night and she could "save" my daughter from her Mothers retardedness. So, we headed for the salon, Maggie got herself a little sucker and Lana went to work. (I should mention here that she got herself a handsome little "beard" in the process, with the combo of sticky sucker face and wispy hairs flying off of "Lana Scissorhands.") There wasn't a whole lot she could do with my handy work, but at least she softened the lines so my poor child doesn't look like dumb and dumber. It's all ok as long as I keep her bangs totally plastered to the side, then you hardly notice that the "butcher of Nina drive" got her. (As a disclaimer, I DO realize that there are some of you ladies out there who DO cut your kids hair, and that is because you're not nearly as retarded as I am. Good for you.)

Well, at least there is improvement. So, if you ever need a good stylist, just give Lana a call. By the way, I'm sure she'll announce this on her blog, but I'm bitter to say, she is NOT having a girl. I'm mostly saddened by this, 'cause I was totally excited to lend her all of Maggies ridiculously cute clothes and bows. Now WHAT? UGH!

Now I must share another charming story from our house that happened on Monday evening. Sit back, relax, this is a delight.

Monday night Maggie and I had to make a run to the store. What store you ask? Well, it's embarrassing, but once again I ventured to the "devil" store, simply because I needed a new mattress pad and I knew it'd be cheapest there, AND I had to get a storage tower for Jere and I knew they had it there. So yeah, we went; let it go (I have). We meandered around the store for awhile, picking up items here and there. I mean really, where else do you get a super dee duper cute shirt for FOUR BUCKS? Walmart, that's where. Anyway, picked up a couple of shirts for Maggie and a couple for Max, got my items on my list and then checked out. Maggie had been great the whole time, happy as a clam. We get out to the parking lot, I load all the stuff into the car, and then I go to get Maggs out of the cart. I wasn't necessarily looking at her, just lifting, when something registers on my arm, and I think "what is THAT?" I look down to see copious amounts of barf all over my arm, ALL OVER Maggie, down her shirt, her pants, my feet, the cart, the ground, and she continues to barf. Now mind you, she has not made a PEEP, not a sound. There was no warning, no whining, no crying, no holding of the tummy, NOTHING! And, I'm used to barfers (Dixie and Jere) who make A LOT of noise when doing the deed. For the record, this was Maggies FIRST barfing experience ever. Her only reaction to it was, when she noticed that her blanket and her arm were covered, she said "oh, ohhhhhhhhhhhh." So, there I am, standing in the parking lot, barf squishing in my toes, nothing to wipe her up with, not quite knowing what to do. So, I used her blanket to clean up what I could, then stripped her down to her dipey and put her in her seat. I got what I could off the cart, picked her binky up from amongst the chunks on the ground and headed home. The smell was just about more than I could take, but somehow we managed. She's such an amazing trouper, she never cried the whole time, and hasn't had one problem since. I guess it was just a very random ridding for her. It might explain why she'd been walking around lifting her shirt up for 2 days, pointing at her tummy. I don't know, just speculating. But hey, at least I now gave her a haircut befitting of her new Wal-mart going, barfing status. I RULE! I just wish I had a pic of the moment. hahahaha

Today I went to my 6 week check up, woo hoo, I'm free! Thank goodness, 'cause people, I might like to admit I'm depressed. I've lost 2o of the 50 pounds I gained with this kid. TWENTY, that's IT! I guess I was hoping I'd lost at least 30, 'cause to lose 2o sounds less daunting. But, I really need to lose like 65 lbs. to get back to where I was before Maggie. I HATE fat, and I hate food and I hate that it has to be a freaking life long battle that never goes away. Good thing I'm doing a triatholon, 'cause something has got to give. And with that said, I think I'll go eat a brownie! HAhaha, I kid, I kid. But, let's talk about starting the, "save allyson's sanity" fund, in which I would use said funds to cut off the hideous amounts of fat/skin hanging around my lower belly. If THAT were gone, I could totally live with the rest of the nastiness. But, I'm done complaining for now, 'cause noone likes to read that crap.

If anyone knows how I can make it so when you click on my pics they get bigger, please lt me know. Andrea, I see that yours always have that ability, how do you do it?

Dana, I'll show you this pic of Max, but it does not show the WHOLE Sunday outfit, so you get just a taste. He really was such a dapper little "man" in it.

And finally, because I'm tired and feeling REALLY random....Who of you loves TOP CHEF as much as I do? I freaking love that show, and I don't even understand what they're making half the time. Speak up, let me know if you're a lover of the chef.

Fat bellies and brownies,



Rocketgirl said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAAA!!! ANd it seems totally random whch pics blogger will let you click bigger and what won't... but I am NOT a professional,,,,

LanaBanana said...

I think you and I were posting at exactly the same time...and yes, I did announce my lack-of-girl-baby-ness in my blog. I think Tatum was around the same age as Maggie when I first got barfed on--the hard-core barf kind. I felt like I'd entered a whole new club of motherhood. Did it feel that special for you? :) hehehe

Andrea said...

If it makes you feel any better Ellie threw up just outside the BYU bookstore Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Luckily Ron scooped her just as she started and she covered herself and not the floor. Needless to say she got a beautiful new pink BYU T-shirt out of that one. :o}

I don't know how you make the pictures get larger. I didn't realize mine did that. You should know what a retard I am when it comes to the computer. My lovely daughter, Bryndee, always comes to my aid when I need help. I will ask her if she knows.

Mel said...

I totally committed the same crime with my daughter's hair last week. It looks so awful! I thought I would just snip a little bit, but then she moved her head at the last minute.
You're more than welcome to let your friend Melissa borrow Maggie's cute bows, I hear she's having a girl ;)

Molly Shumway Rawlins said...

I think everyone makes that mistake once with the hair cutting thing. My mom did it once to me as a kid, and at that point decided it was worth the money to pay a professional to cut my hair! I still have yet to cut scarletts hair, I am letting her curls be the excuse, as I am afraid the curl will go away :)

I have no idea why your pictures dont let you click on them! Do you create your posts with or do you use a posting software? I responded to your scrapblog question on the post you commented on. :)

Kids puking... hands down one of the lamest parts of parenthood as far as I can tell so far.

I hear you with the fat thing. I never had lower tummy fat until I had scarlett, and now, I am not enjoying the possibility that it just might never go away.

love you guys.

Emily Lauren said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emily Lauren said...

Ha ha ha. Wow!! What a wonderful post! I am cracking up right now. So much to say . . .

1. Love that you cut maggies hair. I did that with Beck and his hairline was horrible. One side was like 3 inches above his ear. It just kept getting shorter and shorter cause I wanted to make it straight. The worst part is that I still do it. It just takes a little practice, that's all :)

2.Poor Maggie. Cute that she was such a trooper and didn't whine/fuss/cry. So sweet. Glad she's doing better.

3. What I found with the picture thing is that if you move them around after you upload them, they won't be able to be enlarged when you publish (when on the "compose" tab in the upper right hand corner of the txt box). If you upload them and don't move them, they can be enlarged. I think it changes the code to where it's just moving the image, not the actual picture.

HOWEVER, if you go to the "edit html" tab (in the upper right hand corner of the text box), and move the picture while in html mode, it allows you to enlarge the picture when published. When you go to the html mode it's a lot of texts, and looks overwhelming. But, I figured out that the [open alligator thing followed by the a] begins the picture, and the [open alligator, dash, a, close alligator] ends the picture (I tried to show you but it won't let me, saying the "html can't be accepted". Hopefully you understand. So I look for the begging and end of the picture, select it, cut it, and then paste it to where I want it to go. It's kind of annoying when uploading multiple pictures because you have to count the number of [open alligator, a's] you see to figure out which one is the picture you want to move. But, then you're able to enlarge it when you publish. Because you're moving the actual picture and not just the image. . . At least that's what I've had to do to solve the problem. I hope that makes sense. Let me know if it doesn't.

4. I LOVE LOVE LOVE top chef! I just watched the last two episodes last night (I had missed them) and was depressed when they were over. Then I got online and watched the today show with arian. She did pretty good :) I like her. I also like the guy who was the camera ham last time, and the italian guy. I like a lot of them actually. Who I don't like: The lesbian (not because she's a lesbian, but because she's pretty annoying at times), and I can't think of anyone else right now. Who are your fav's?

Andersonland said...

Um, sorry about the barf, and having to go to the Devil store, but we do what we have to, eh?

And as for your fat, well, if we were in the same zip code, we would so be doing the weigh loss together....I am looking forward to seeing how much I can loose too!


And by the way, my baby lovedsEthel. We were listening to Siriusly Broadway the other nite and I sang to him all the Ethel songs that came was a moment.

johnson six said...

Love the barf story! Parenthood is such a joy. I wonder if that lady with 18 kids ever has something like that happen to her. Oh,... no, they are always perfectly organized and the older daughter, that is in charge of the younger, one carries around an emergency barf spill clean-up kit, right.

Livin' Wright said...

Allyson, You crack me up! I love reading about your life. sorry we didn't come and see you guys at thanksgiving, Nixon was really upset he didn't get to see maggie. We will be coming for christmas, and staying a lot longer... we will hit you guys up then.

PS. Leave Maggie's Hair to Lanna! I think you've learned your lesson :) Good thing she is so cute, even with her new bangs.

ZippityDoDaw said...

Oh I am so sorry you are sick!!! I do have to tell you that little Max is so adorable. I just loved getting a chance to feed him and hold him. What a great little personality and facial expressions already! Ok so anytime you need me to watch him before he hits the big 3 months, so you can hit the G-Y-M give me a call! :)

---Tri or Die---