Here I sit on a lovely Wednesday morning amidst a sea of marshmallows for breakfast and sore neck muscles. I woke up for the umpteenth time in full makeup, feeling crusty and gross. I really MUST stop falling asleep at inoportune times. At LEAST I was in my bed this time, instead of on the couch. But, I digress. The kids are in dress up clothes (oh, they just came in for a change of costume) running around the backyard playing "pretend." Some of that pretend has included going to the doctor, killing people (what the heck?), going to school, going out for a fancy dinner, informing the world that they're the queens, driving cars, etc. I do so love when they pretend and play so happily outside.
Anyway...I've had some "things" on my mind lately and figured it was time to write a few letters to clear the air.
Dear Lane Bryant (oh yes, I MUST start with you again),
Thanks for NOTHING! You and your craptastical bras can suck it! All I ask is for some lift, some LIFT! Is this to much? Apparently so. Way to luuuure me in with promises of greatness, only to utterly disappoint within 2 days of owning you. I realize that my bodacious ta tas are large, I get it. But, I just can't believe that they literally way 100 lbs. each (though that would so explain the scales numbers) and instantly melt wire and material to worthless balls of nothing. I suggest you get to work on some stronger material, or better yet, just give me my money back. You big JERKS!
Dear good bras of America,
Oh, you know who you are....Oprah Bra, bra of my dreams (though my last one was a bust), or the other brand that Nordstroms sells which is also so good at holding me in and up. Why must you cost SO MUCH MONEY?! You are in essence asking for my first born child in order for me to own you. I simply can't afford to fork out 90 bucks FOR.A.BRA every time I need one. Why must you torture me with your brilliant construction. Your ability to LIFT me and seperate. Only to be too unaffordable?! Thanks for nothing.
Sad Bubbily yours,
My most sweet and adorable little muffin. Dark outside means SLEEP! For the love of all that's good and holy, PLEASE stop coming in and asking to watch kid shows at 1 a.m., 4 a.m., 5 a.m., etc. What part of NO do you not understand? What part of "THE SUN IS NOT AWAKE YET,THEREFORE NEITHER SHOULD YOU BE." Do you just not get!!??
My ever adorable little Bubbsy. I am NOT a fan of this new phase you are entering, wherein you scream and cry and say "I don't want to take a nap." I get it, hanging out in our hovel is so much more exciting than sleep. BUT, naps are essential to mommies sanity. So, you're going to need to just get over your bad self and nap away.
Dear lazy, lazy self,
This whole not working out for well over a month thing has GOT to stop! It sucks to feel squishy and pastey and yucky. I'm fairly sure your hips have indeed taken over their own zipcode. And your arms flabbing around could conceivably knock out a small child. So, get off your fat keister and get back to the gym. Your heart, butt and self esteem will thank me!!
You SUCK! Let me count the ways.
1. You make me believe it's ok to shop in my pajamas
2. You also lead me to believe that it is fine to shop in your stores sans makeup, or any personal care for my appearance. This is bad, very bad.
3. You make me believe it's ok to fill my cart, because everything is so cheap!
4. You totally lied to me and made me excited about getting 70 diapers for thirteen bucks! But trust me, the utter amount of leakage, pee stained clothes and bedding was so NOT worth it. I have NEVER experienced worse diapers in my life! And my poor child had to endure the soaking wet nights to prove it. So a big fat SUCK IT goes to you!
I get it, you're ARIZONA! Desert Southwest. Known for your sunshine and hotness. But ENOUGH already with your hot and sweatiness. I can't take ONE.MORE.DAY of your crappy 90+ degrees. And stop with the teasing of cool 57 degree mornings and evenings, only to stomp us into the ground with your BLISTERING sunshiney mid days. Sweating is unconstitutional past September. Therefore you are totally in breach of said constitution. CEASE and DESIST!
Sweaty in Mesatown
Dear Project Runway,
Gretchen? REALLY? Can you even be serious? You clearly smoked some crack before the show and singed ALL your taste away. I'm disgusted. Oh, and also, Heidi, that entirely red pantsuit ensemble that you sported on the last show. YIKES! Your stylist should be fired, 'cause that was painful.
The Fashion police
Dear Maggie (again),
Thank you for your HI-larious look on life and all things poo. Your uncontrollable giggles over even mentioning the word poo makes me laugh and smile. Thanks for our bedtime songs that have now become odes to poo. My favorite being..."How much is that poo poo (doggy) in the window?" I really NEED that laughter, and you provide.
Smiling thru poo,
Alrighty, guess that's enough for now. Need to jump in the shower and get ready for the day. Plus, gotta take Jere to school, as we only have one working car at the moment. Good times, people, GOOD TIMES!!!