I realize that I just wrote you a letter, barely a week ago. You'd think I could just let it go already. Think again. Because, when my latest Holiday Catalog arrived in the mail, I could not be silent. I couldn't squelch the irritation and annoyance long enough to just let it pass. Plus, I totally have an awesome scanner, and I knew that I needed to share, with the "masses" the lunacy of what you deem appropriate attire for those of us in the "chub" set, if you will.
I mean, everyone knows my NUMBER ONE rule of WHAT NOT TO WEAR. Skinny or fat (but especially NOT fat) thou shalt NOT wear.....
REALLY? "Celebrate Jeggings?" REALLY?
You MUST be kidding me, right?
"The look your boots have been waiting for?"
Or....the look that causes eye cancer is more like it.
I myself see nothing to celebrate about overly fluffy thighs being poured into sausage casings.
There are unsightly dimples involved.
How many times do I have to bring this to your attention.
On top of which, the second cardinal sin of "fat" fashion is being displayed here.
Sleeveless. No No NO!
Fat arms + sleeveless shirts = Heinous
Say it with me friends:
JUST SAY NO TO JEGGINGS (and sleeveless shirts)
Now, this insult to my senses was followed closely with this lovely ensemble:
Ummmm ewww! I don't care if i could get this "look" for under $0.00 I would NOT be caught dead wearing it.
#1 It's really ugly.
#2 Again with the sleeveless.
Keep in mind friends, this model is probably a size 12 or 14, which in my world is practically aneorexic. And still, it's not a good look.
However, you do have to give props to the fan blowing her hair about just so. And the gray couch, it's a keeper for sure.
Lies...from the pitt of Hell.
Look here you little Eva Mendez look alike. You're not fooling anyone.
I mean, we all know that Lane Bryant bras suck goat balls as it is.
Then, again, we're talking about a smallish "fat" model.
I guarantee that no amount of lycra on God's green earth is gonna be smoothin down a girl that's a size 26. It just is NOT going to happen. T-RUST me, I know what I'm talking about.
Do you SEE that?
It says bustier
Let me get this straight....
Some jack hole in the Lane Bryant design devision thought for one nano second that a girl of size would look good in a bustier dress. This IS something that squishes and pushes up fat, right?
Again....we're looking at a small girl here.
Are you keeping in mind that these dresses are made in size 26/28?
I assure you that that much flesh is NEVER going to be attractive.
It just isn't.
In fact, it's pretty scarey.
And then, it's offensive.
And I can say these things...because I'm FAT!
What happened here?
"I like mine dirty?"
I suddenly FEEL dirty.
You can't throw us off with your cutesy little martini glass. We know where you were going with this.
And then that hideous tank nightgown.
For the love of all the Christmas Elves....
I mean, it might be one thing if the girl who buys it goes around fully made up and had a fan blowing her hair and made modelesque funky armed poses.
But you know full well what we all look like when we're lazing around the house, fresh bed head, sans makeup and add to that copious amounts of squishy flesh smooshing about for all to see.
You feel my pain right?
You understand my disdain for all things Lane and all things Bryant.
Here's the dealio....
if we have to shop at your store, that means we are THICK, chubby, fluffy, FAT!
It means we have extra flab and skin. Probably a goodly amount of stretch marks.
It MEANS that we need clothing that covers us up.
It is still possible to be very stylish, cute, and trendy AND have our arms covered or our butt fronts hidden.
I don't think this is too much to ask.
And so I implore you Lane Bryant, as a fatty with class. Please reconsider your design esthetic. Consider that there are many of us out there who prefer to actually look good in our clothes. There are those of us who cringe at the thought of frightening small children with the shear volume of skin we show.
There are those of us who have CLASS.
Until you can figure this out, I shall take my business elsewhere.
Annoyed Chief of the Fashion Police
P.S. Jeggings are of the DEVIL!
All comments and observations are strictly the opinion of moi, a perfectly perfect chubby girl.
If you own any of these items, and or thought you wanted to. My apologies for your suspect taste.
We can still be friends, just don't wear that stuff around me and I won't judge you. Mmmmmmkay?!
All images scanned from the Lane Bryant Holidy catalogue