Tuesday, November 9, 2010

An Open Letter to the Lane "Giant"

"Dearest" Lane Giant Bryant....

I realize that I just wrote you a letter, barely a week ago.  You'd think I could just let it go already.  Think again.  Because, when my latest Holiday Catalog arrived in the mail, I could not be silent.  I couldn't squelch the irritation and annoyance long enough to just let it pass.  Plus, I totally have an awesome scanner, and I knew that I needed to share, with the "masses" the lunacy of what you deem appropriate attire for those of us in the "chub" set, if you will.

I mean, everyone knows my NUMBER ONE rule of WHAT NOT TO WEAR.  Skinny or fat (but especially NOT fat) thou shalt NOT wear.....

REALLY?  "Celebrate Jeggings?"  REALLY?
You MUST be kidding me, right?
"The look your boots have been waiting for?"
Or....the look that causes eye cancer is more like it.
I myself see nothing to celebrate about overly fluffy thighs being poured into sausage casings.
There are unsightly dimples involved.
How many times do I have to bring this to your attention.
On top of which, the second cardinal sin of "fat" fashion is being displayed here.
Sleeveless.  No No NO!
Fat arms + sleeveless shirts = Heinous
Say it with me friends:
JUST SAY NO TO JEGGINGS (and sleeveless shirts)

Now, this insult to my senses was followed closely with this lovely ensemble:

Ummmm ewww!  I don't care if i could get this "look" for under $0.00 I would NOT be caught dead wearing it.
#1 It's really ugly.
#2 Again with the sleeveless.
Keep in mind friends, this model is probably a size 12 or 14, which in my world is practically aneorexic.  And still, it's not a good look.
However, you do have to give props to the fan blowing her hair about just so.  And the gray couch, it's a keeper for sure.

Moving on:

Lies...from the pitt of Hell.
Look here you little Eva Mendez look alike.  You're not fooling anyone.
I mean, we all know that Lane Bryant bras suck goat balls as it is.
Then, again, we're talking about a smallish "fat" model.
I guarantee that no amount of lycra on God's green earth is gonna be smoothin down a girl that's a size 26.  It just is NOT going to happen.  T-RUST me, I know what I'm talking about.

Do you SEE that?
It says bustier
Let me get this straight....
Some jack hole in the Lane Bryant design devision thought for one nano second that a girl of size would look good in a bustier dress.  This IS something that squishes and pushes up fat, right?
Again....we're looking at a small girl here.
Are you keeping in mind that these dresses are made in size 26/28?
I assure you that that much flesh is NEVER going to be attractive.
It just isn't.
In fact, it's pretty scarey.
And then, it's offensive.
And I can say these things...because I'm FAT!

And finally:

What happened here?
"I like mine dirty?"
I suddenly FEEL dirty.
You can't throw us off with your cutesy little martini glass.  We know where you were going with this.
And then that hideous tank nightgown.
"Celebrate Naughty"
For the love of all the Christmas Elves....
For real?
I mean, it might be one thing if the girl who buys it goes around fully made up and had a fan blowing her hair and made modelesque funky armed poses.
But you know full well what we all look like when we're lazing around the house, fresh bed head, sans makeup and add to that copious amounts of squishy flesh smooshing about for all to see.

You feel my pain right?
You understand my disdain for all things Lane and all things Bryant.

Here's the dealio....
if we have to shop at your store, that means we are THICK, chubby, fluffy, FAT! 
It means we have extra flab and skin.  Probably a goodly amount of stretch marks.
It MEANS that we need clothing that covers us up.
It is still possible to be very stylish, cute, and trendy AND have our arms covered or our butt fronts hidden.
I don't think this is too much to ask.

And so I implore you Lane Bryant, as a fatty with class.  Please reconsider your design esthetic.  Consider that there are many of us out there who prefer to actually look good in our clothes.  There are those of us who cringe at the thought of frightening small children with the shear volume of skin we show.
There are those of us who have CLASS.
Until you can figure this out, I shall take my business elsewhere.


Annoyed Chief of the Fashion Police

P.S.  Jeggings are of the DEVIL!

All comments and observations are strictly the opinion of moi, a perfectly perfect chubby girl.
If you own any of these items, and or thought you wanted to.  My apologies for your suspect taste.
We can still be friends, just don't wear that stuff around me and I won't judge you.   Mmmmmmkay?!

All images scanned from the Lane Bryant Holidy catalogue


Kristina P. said...

It's like the Roaman's catalogs where all the women are a size 4, but modeling size 22 clothes.

Cap sleeves are the bane of my existence.

lexlocilori said...

one word. hilarious.

alison said...

oh how i love your "open letters"!! such a great way to start out my wednesday...although i might have just awakened all my precious angels with my laughter. but TOTALLY worth it. it's not just lane bryant...i HATE when i get a catalog in and i see a dress or top that it totally cute. i order it, get all excited, and wait RIGHT NEXT to the mailbox for days. then it comes in and i realize just how different something looks on a size 0 model and a size 10 human being. those people need to get their heads on straight and market to the target audience for whom they are selling....and put their clothes on REAL people.

reasonably chubby said...

Laughing my head off! I totally agree with you...let's volunteer to 'model' all of those looks--put us on the front cover of the magazine, and then lets see just how many sales Lane Bryant gets. They would instantly be put out of business. IDIOTS!! But the truly frightening thing is that some fat girls fall into their lies, and convince themselves they actually look good wearing that stuff!

LanaBanana said...

That post was a gem. :) Seriously, those jammies are skanky. Who wants holiday pj's like that? "Christmas morning kids!! Let's take pictures all in our jammies to send to grandma!!!" WHAA?

All of it was great. Especially your ending disclaimer.

The Atomic Mom said...

Can I get an AMEN here? "AMEN" said the crowd!

Serioulsy, Jeggins for skinny people are wrong.

The Atomic Mom said...

And I should continue...Jeggins' for any people are wrong. And I have always agreed with you on the sleevless...blech!

azandersens said...

So great. I would pay you money if you really sent that to LB. Btw, I didn't realize that there was no school on Thursday when I left you a message, but the invite still stands. Izzy is DYING to play with B.

DianD said...

Now why is it you don't get paid to write a column for magazines, newspapers, etc.? Your truth with humor is so right on! Wonder how LB can get a copy of this "evaluation" -- or the "designers???" anyway!
Keep up the good work...Truly you have class and taste -- something they seem to be lacking these days.

Susan said...

I hear you on the lanebryant thing, BUT we don't have a Anvenue her in Yuma AND we have family pictures coming up. I went to JCPenny and Dillards and nothing. I went in as a last resort - and low and behold I came out of that store with not only something but...options. Of course I had to keep reminding the sales girls of the rules- not cleevage, not sleeveless...

I ended up with "the perfect shirt" can't find it on their web sight but its just a well cut button down. They say everyone who tries that shirt on looks great.

AND this dress. The websight says it was on sale for $49 -I got it for $39. I haven't bought a DRESS for a loooong time.

I'll have to go on strike later.

Greg and Tammy said...

You are KILLING me Allyson. Hilarious post and I couldn't agree more.

Jack and Lauri Erekson said...

I ♥ your post! It gave me the laugh I needed. I can truly laugh since I am plump! I am always amazed at how short their shorts are. Come on! This is a PLUS SIZE store. Thanks for the laugh! Lauri

Angie Dean said...

Okay, let me have a moments say. I like jeggings. Wha....? Ally, you know my body shape, as unfortunate as it is. I accept that I could be the one percent of fatties where all my weight is sequestered around my belly. My legs say I'm a 12. Let me have this. Puhlease. Remember all those years of LB shopping where you found everything to wear and I took your cast off's because LB never fit me. And LB's colored coded pants? Red, yellow, blue? These cannot define me. Color me jeggings!

Sleeveless? Really? Dixie is probably the only female alive who could pass off sleeveless. Rot in fashion hell LB~

Mel said...

Well I guess I will return your Christmas present. ;)
You make me laugh out loud. for reals.

Eve said...

Hahaha... well, I TOTALLY agree with you on the leggings. Why couldn't they just stay in the 80's where they belonged. No one beyond the age of 7 should be allowed to wear them!

I did however like that dressy black shirt... but then again, it might have just been that awesome silver couch that was swaying my tastes. ;)

The Coolest Allen Family said...

Amen Sista!