Saturday, March 7, 2009

Accomplished....at a price.

Five thirty a.m. found me dragging myself out of bed this morning. I carefully and stealthily gathered my things, combed my hair, changed my clothes and mosied out the door. You see, I had a rendezvous with destiny. Ok, perhaps not destiny, but with a little torture device known as a bike, and it's accomplice, "the road." Dixie has deemed Saturdays our day to work out in the real world. Get a feel for what it's gonna be like out there on the mean streets. So, by 6:10 a.m. we were at our pre-determined destination, bikes unloaded and I looked like this.....



Ready to roll............................................Ok, ::snort:: I obviously didn't look like THAT! I mean, I can't possibly stand up and ride like that! Perhaps I looked a bit more like this............................................


Huge booty, protruding belly and all. What a sight!
Anyway, Dixie took the lead, followed closely by Jenny, then me, with Dana bringing up the rear. Dana was riding her fancy new road bike, purchased just the evening before. Jenny was on her 10 year old Mountain bike that hasn't seen the light of day in that much time. Dixie was on her awesome craigs list find, and I was on a borrowed bike of Shanes. There was much anticipation on my part, and well...let's get personal here for a moment.
I have become quite adept at the stationary bike, in fact, I dare say I actually like it. Then, the hideous realm of the spin bike was introduced to me last week. It hurts, it hurts BAD and Dixie said that was a better gauge of what it'd be like out there in the real world. Not gonna lie, I was not thrilled at the prospects. So anyway, cut to this morning, my first time on a real bike (other than the spin on erics cruiser at Christmas) in a very many years. So, I hefted my large derrier over the seat, and gently sat upon it. Keep in mind it was already sore from the ill-fated spin bike time. So, I'm on it, we push off for our ride. Here's the thing, about 1 minute in I wanted...to....DIE! Why does noone REALLY talk about the excruciating pain involved in the crotchal area? I mean for reals people, it felt like perhaps, oh I don't know, a baseball bat had been taken to my most precious of areas. I don't think I can adequately describe the pain of it all. And apparently I'm the only one that was experiencing pain to such levels. There was numbness and bruising and pain like I've never quite felt. Frankly, I think a bat might have felt better. I don't know, maybe I just have an extra lot of FAT down there, and we all know fat bruises. Whatever the case, it was HELL. So, I'm one minute in and I'm like, ok, I'm outy. So, I convinced myself to just make it to Lindsey, then I got there and thought, OK fine, I'll just get to Val Vista and then stop. Needless to say, I "convinced" myself each mile to just hang on, because FOR SURE at Higley, I was DONE and I would get off and walk the 4 miles back. It was hard, no it was downright ridiculously hard, but somehow I convinced myself to stay on and I did the whole EIGHT miles. The dumbest part, or most irritating is, nothing else hurt at all. My legs didn't hurt, I wasn't even really breathing all that hard, my groin didn't hurt, my back, nothing...just my freaking hoo hah. So, like I said, I somehow finished and then extracated myself from the evil device of torture so I could go for a 2 mile walk/jog. Only at that moment I realized, "holy hell in a handbasket, my low back is KILLING me." Don't be confused, it hurt NOTHING like the you know wheresy, but it still hurt. So, I took off the helmet (and you KNOW I looked hot in it), put the bike away and headed out for the walk. My legs tricked me and felt a bit like jelly, the back hurt and the peeper was still throbbing. But, again, I prevailed! I made my 2 miles with even a bit of jogging in there. The back pain subsided, the throbbing didn't so much. And don't even worry, Dixie totally finished her 2 miles and then ran it again just for good measure. She's retarded, and I love her for it.
So, at what "price" did I do this? Let's just say, all day, every time I sit down or stand up, there is pain involved. Let's also just say, I seriously wonder how I might have "realtions", and finally...HOW do I ever get on a bike again and ride six MORE miles than I did today? Holy pelvic trauma Batman! Dana has suggested that perhaps I get a memory foam mattress and sit on it. Ok, that's not exactly how she said it, but at 7:00 in the morning, the mental imagery was downright hysterical and we got a good chuckle out of it. But, I think I MIGHT get some memory foam and shove that bad boy in my pants and see if it'll save me, 'cause honestly, I'm not sure I could endure the pain again.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
With that said, I love training for a tri, I love working out everyday and feeling like I'm doing something good in my life and for me!
And finally, I MUST be off. I teach Relief Society tomorrow morning and I haven't even read the lesson yet. Perhaps the next thing I work on and fix in my life is my SEVERE procrastination. Speaking of which, I have a pretty deep thought post brewing in my brain, have for over a week now, and someday I might get it written.
Hoohahs and torture,
Allyson

13 comments:

✩Molly✩ said...

okay, so I will admit, that were I with you, I could have commiserated with you. Instead, I had the privilege of sitting here on my couch, laughing, while feeling TERRIBLY sorry for that horrible experience you had. But, I am proud. I would reccomend perhaps snug biker shorts underneath your exercise pants, help reduce friction, and have them make sure that your seat is at the correct height...

I am proud of you. Joe and I were both just discussing, how we could never sit on a normal bicycle seat and ride. We want the monster squishy seats, and I want a tricycle. xoxo.

Jason and Kate said...

You are hilarious! I just love the way you write. You kept me laughing the entire post. When I did my first tri I decided a week before to take the bike out and ride 10 miles on the road to practice. I was like you....PAIN and a lot of it (in THE place!). I do a lot of spinning so I didn't think it would hurt but it did. I thought that there was no way in BEEP I would be able to do the tri. I bought a bike seat cushion at Walmart for like $10 or so. It never hurt during my race. It made a world of difference!

The Fischbeck's said...

I am so jealous that you girls get to all work out together--actually makes it fun(in a sick, twisted, tortutous way)! I have never done the bike yet, but I can only imagine your pain. I have NO bum, and any short stints that I have ever tried before has not gone so well.

And I totally agree on how good working out makes you feel. Mentally, there is noting better to pump you up---even if it hurt like Hades for the entire time.

On a side note, I am completely blown away by how many different ways you were able to make reference to the va-j-j. Sister, you have a gift!

Dana said...

Brillinat post, my dear! But for the record, it should be known that I did not "bring up the rear" for the entire bike ride. I'm just sayin. *wink*

The Coolest Allen Family said...

My condolences to your sweet hubby. Here's to hopin you will be able to have "relations" sometime in the near future!;)

I laughed and laughed at this post. Then my husband and I laughed together when I read it to him. You are so hilarious! Go get a bigger more cushiony seat. I have one and it makes a difference.

LanaBanana said...

Porter and I agree that you should make sure your seat is at the appropriate height and angle. Also, definitely fetch a padded bike seat because I used one of those once and it was very cushy. Finally, there are biking shorts (and possibly pants...?) that have padding built into them. Nancy, from work, has a pair that almost look comical on her, but they really help the more delicate areas. :) Tah tah.

Crandell Fam said...

There are no words. Tears streaming. That was just a hilarious post. I may even read that one to Troy. And Julie is right--quite clever and creative in the referencing of the coochie coo. :) Thanks for the laughs!

jen said...

loved Dana's clarification.
How could it have been that bad? Something must be wrong with that bike! That's the only explanation!

Mel said...

You are so funny. I think its so great that you are sticking to this whole tri thing. I love all the different terms you used for your business :)

Tara LaRue said...

Seriously. Can. NOT. Stop. LAUGHING. I have tears in my eyes and have to keep my chuckles to myself since I'm at work. You are truly the funniest thing I have ever known and I love you for it!

Thank you for the honestly and even for the inspiration! Way to go friend!!!

Cassie and Chad said...

OK so Tara calls me and says "you MUST check out Alyson's blog, I laughed so hard I was crying"

I too must say oh Alyson dear you are quite hilarious! And oh I felt your pain (kind of). I did a spin class and walked out 7 minutes into it and thought those people are just plain STUPID! I must say congrats on completing not only the spin class but the hellish ride that Dixie put you through. I am a little jealous, I wish my sisters and I could participate in something similar. Keep up the good work and I look forward to hearing about it every step of the way!

MomDian said...

Oh, my!!! Seriously funny! And oh, the pain! I'm so impresssed that you "pushed through!" :) Now, I'm anxiously awaiting your "deep thought" post!
Love ya,
Mom

Angie said...

I've heard it said that sex is like riding a bike. So maybe your just not doing it right. Maybe team Shumway needs to develope safe words like "let-me-die-here-helmet-hair-et.-all", or Krababble. None the less I admire your dedication to the sport. I guess you have a daughter and son. What else do you need?