Thursday, March 25, 2010

Letters to the Editor

Or just random letters that needed to be written,
by Yours Truly.

Dear Lane Bryant,

WE'RE FAT! Please sew accordingly.   For example:
No sleeves + FAT arms = Hideous and foul! Or just...NOT for public consumption.

Fat arms me

Dear Avenue,

Thank you for making more fat appropriate clothes.  However, could you PLEASE make your shirts a touch longer, so my buttfront can be covered.  Noone wants to see that either.

Ever yours,
Bummy tummy

Dear Buttfront,

I HATE YOU!  Thanks for ruining every outfit and sucking the life out of me!

Untruly yours,

Dear spin class,

Thanks for the PAIN in the you know whaty.  I'll never be the same.

Ouchy chooch

Dear wrinkles invading all around my eyes,

No thank you.  I think you're looking for my Mom, please head that way.  I'm FAR to young to be rendevouzing with you yet.

Smoothly yours,

Dear scale,

GO TO HELL!  On second thought, since I'm already going there, you can stay away.  Just man up and stop torturing me! You big jerk!

Hatefully yours,

Dear Mary Kay,

My apologies for disparaging you and your eye makeup remover.  My bad!  My sensitive eyes now thank you for less irritation.



Dear adorable neighbor boy,

Please, for the love of all that is good and holy; STOP the never ending drum drills.  I might pull my face off the next time you start.

Rat a tat tat,

Your Neighbor

Dear computer,

I'm very sorry that you're over a year old and have been somewhat mistreated in your time.  We love you oh so much. Please, I'm begging, on my knees, PLEASE keep working.  I can't take the random turn offs, or the scarey power plug jiggle, or the fear of everything being eaten.  We can't buy a new one, so we need you to love us back for awhile (like another year) longer.

Loving you with all my heart,


Dear Maggie,

Mommy loves you immensely, but please, PLEASE stop hating on me with the tantrums and screaming.  I just want to do your hair and get you dressed.  I don't feel this is to much to ask.

Lovingly (and fearfully),

Your Mama

Dear Max,

Thanks for being the sweetest boy ever.  But, could you PLEASE stop falling on your face?  People are gonna start talking, AND it's really gonna mess with your modeling career, which in turn messes with my future income.  I thank you!

Much love,


Dear enquiring minds,

HOT doctor is at Palo Verde Pediatrics and his name is Mike Pearlstein.  Totally worth going to, I promise!



*****Post Edit*****  Hot doc is married and in his mid 40's.

Dear Jenny D,

Thank you for your help, in put and comments on my blog!  And thank you for all you do and who you are in life.  I really love and appreciate you and your family.  So thank you for fate that brought us together seven whole years ago.



Dear blog readers,

For the LOVE, will you PLEASE comment.  If you're a stalker (which i totally love and welcome) please oh please, just say hello.  Let me know you're here.  If you're a regular reader, just comment occassionally.  I try to be considerate and comment on yours as well.  This plea is fully exempt to Jenny D who I can safely say has commented on every ONE of my blog posts.  I love you all, I really do.  I'm just having a selfish me moment.

The End.

Ok, I think I've said my peace!  And I do feel a little bit better.  With that said, there is some Idol to go and mock, some Biggest Loser to inspire and some Amazing Race to catch.

Tomes and toilets,



Kirsten said...

ok so you gave up the identifying information about Dr. McDreamy, but you never said if he is single! That is really important as I don't want to be busting in on some married man! Even though I have my cougar bait out there right now, I am growing weary of playing with him....

Jenn C. said...

I never have anything inspiring to say like Jenny D. so I am guilty of reading everyone of your posts but commenting. I love how you write and I love what you write about. This post was awesome! I know how you feel when you spend time on a post and then no one comments. I will try to do better! Keep up the great entertainment! :)

LadyCarma said...

Okay, Allyson, I read your blog, every post, but I don't always want or need to comment. With that said, you can always make me laugh. And maybe that is what I should comment - You made me laugh today, and thanks for that.
Sorry I don't always comment.

Court and Julie said...

Dear Allyson

Thank you for having a blog. You make me smile daily (if not more than once, daily)

Workshops and crazy month of Junes,


Tara LaRue said...

Oh mylanta - I can't stop laughing. You my darling friend have got to be one of the friggin' funniest people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. Thank you for the laughs! Love you...

The Atomic Mom said...

I am not a stalker. But I will comment anyway. Thank you for writing to Lane Bryant...their shirts are just a let down.


PS I hope your computer lives.

azandersens said...

That was one of the funniest posts I've read in a long time. Thanks for the laugh. :)

Wendy said...

I laughed out loud more times than ever for one blog entry!!!

Dear Allyson,
Please don't hold anything back.
Love your candid letters & smack.
Enjoy the way you keep it real,
Express sentiments we all feel;

Perfectly placed profanity brightens our mood,

We should comment more and stop being so prude!

Your Readers

jen said...

#1--I was laughing and laughing at the letters until letter 12, when
#2--I got a little misty that a letter was written to me! Fate in the name of Shannon Fish, if I remember correctly.
#3--Thanks for being my friend and loving my kids while you try fruitlessly to teach them.
#4--I secretly hacked back onto your blog and fixed something that was bugging me. Can you find it?
#5--Scars on Max's face will give him character. Harrison Ford? Right?
#6--LOVE the pic of you and Jenny. Fabulousness!
#6--I could sign in as you right now, since I'm still on your account. Do you feel like you have a stalker?

✩Molly✩ said...

Funny post. :) I also appreciate the Avenue, and their sale items. I, being short do not have much issue with their shirt lengths, but honestly don't feel that a shirt can ever be too long until it reaches my knees so I can still appreciate the plea :)


Jason and Kate said...

You are one hilarious girl. I always look forward to your posts. I laugh out loud every time. You should be getting sponsors so you can get paid to be this funny.

Laraine Eddington said...

You write better letters than John Adams to Abigail. Save them for history's sake.

EG said...

Dear Allyson,
I love you even though I always read the blog and rarely comment. I'm a jerk like that. Can you ever forgive me?

Lurking in the shadows,


The Coolest Allen Family said...

Another hilarious post. I must say that I do try to comment as often as possible. Plus yesterday I dedicated my facebook update to you and you didn't even notice! Whatevs! I will still read you and comment here. My love for you runs deep!

Sisters with Bummy Tummy's Foreva!!

Cookie Mama said...

Your blog posts are often our dinner table conversation. You are too funny, I can never come up with something witty to comment with, but we love each post. Especially two year olds saying things like "What the ..." classic. I promise you when they become sassy teenagers you will miss these years.

I am wondering about Dr Dreamy, do you think he's going to catch on when he gets 100 new patients this week? Anyone have a baby they can lend me so I can go see him too?

Greg and Tammy said...

That was one funny post! Kudos to you for making a tired Friday morning Mom a little more peppy. You know I love you and your blog.

I'm Just Sayin' - Kerri said...

Hi! Stopping by from SITS. Happy Friday. Your first "letter" made me think of my own rant. I hate when they put tight sleeves on shirts made for bigger ladies. If I'm buying a sixe XL I don't have skinny arms, I need a little room! Thanks for the funny blog.

Laurel said...

Oh my heck you are funny! I saw your post on my sista Cookie mamas blog. Just came to check you out and was ascared not to leave a comment. Yikes I don't want a letter to me or MY fat arms.

DianD said...

Love your creativity, humor and amazing style! Don't stop writing just because no one comments (however many usually do)... This is history and you'll be so glad you have so much of it already written! What awesome friends you have, even if they don't all comment. Love ya!

Silky Smooth and the Night Rangers said...

I was conflicted over leaving a comment due to the fact that I've left several of late and have yet to receive and credit for said Hollas. never the less, my love for you and your rapier wit has won and i therefore offer this "comment" upon your entry entitled "letters to the editor".

DearContributor, we appreciate the vast assortment of work you've contributed to the annals of great Literature. it is with great anticipation that each entry is awaited, and it is with savor that your words are read and cherished. it is not seldom that a smile is brought to our face by the memory of what you have ha to say, and so, dear contributor, we do hope that you will continue to keep our distant readers abreast of the happenings and goings on within the Home VP and we say to you "Thanks for the memories'!

Blogs and Besties,


Post Script:
Did you mean "piece" as in a piece of pie, or "peace" as in peace on Earth?

Silky Smooth and the Night Rangers said...

ADDENDUM!!! You do know you can design your own wardrobe...right? I miean, How difficult is it to serge some double knit together? You tell me how you want it and We could be in business....THAT's all I'm saying. Think about it..........

Mel said...

You are so funny. Seriously, I need more of you in my life. I think your blog just might be my favorite that I read. :)

Diane Barazoto said...

okay, okay, okay, I'm a lurker!!! I have to check this blog everyday because I need a good laugh at least once a day and I always get one here. You are hilarious!

Steph said...

Dear Allyson,

I thought I would be so clever and write you a letter as my comment, but everyone else already did that, so now it's just lame.

You crack me up all the time. Thanks for being so funny!


LanaBanana said...

One of my favorites... :)

Krystal said...

Ok, you just totally made my morning. Those letters are hilarious!

Thank you for the giggle!

Dixiechick said...

Allyson, I dare say you have become quite good at this blogging bit. Laughed my bootie off! Gosh how I love this. You just get whittier by the minute. :)

Krystal Trapnell said...

You can thank Dixie for my comment. She's the one who pointed me in your direction. Sad that I've never read your blog. I will remedy that immediately.

ps. did you ever get the invite I sent you to mine?

Jen West said...

i came for a visit and i laughed! thanks :) i'll probably be back, if that's ok :)