Yeah, so I didn't get up and go to the gym this morning. I just DIDN'T do it. Don't worry, I flogged myself a bit and slapped myself around and then moved on. All it meant was that I now had to go tonight, which is a double eww and a giant "SUCK IT!" I HATE going to the gym at night, and let me tell you why.
At night time, the gym feels like some club that I did NOT get the invite too. There are FAR to many people, and they're generally prettier and skinnier than me. Also, I am rather disdainful of showering at night, going to bed and then getting up to just shower again. Ain't my thang. But alas, I had selfishly chosen not to go in the a.m., so my punishment was set.
At precisely 8:30 p.m. I rolled up to the gym. "GREAT, the freaking parking lot is full." After a couple of rounds through the parking lot I finally found a spot. I gathered up my stuff and headed in. I'm not kidding when I say, this place is hopping like New Orleans at Mardi Gras, or the mall on a Saturday afternoon. So...Many...People! UGH! I really prefer my peeps at 5:30. It's a few other chubbies like me, some other moms here and there...the occassional washed up jock, a few guys trying to carry on their glory days, you know, we're a motley but lovable crew. As a total sidenote, I'm seriously considering starting another blog, just to chronicle my thoughts and observations at the gym. 'Cause I'm here to tell you, I have some pretty funny thoughts. Like this one time...this guy, who CLEARLY had had his heyday in 1970 came meandering through the gym. He was totally wearing his "Golds Gym" shirt (circa 1970) and what can only be described as spanky pants (you know, like cheerleaders wear under their skirts) a totally hot and happenin terry cloth headband, huge man glasses and a balding head. I'm telling you, he was probably the SH in THE 70'S! So, he comes sauntering past me, heading for some machine, sure to flex his muscular stature and I am telling you....in those awesome spanky pants (ummm, avert your eyes, or cover your ears, or uh, if easily offened, jump down) I don't know how to say this in any other way...but to put it "delicately"....there was nothing but "head" for days (sorry Mom, that's bound to kill dad, don't tell him I said it). It was DISTURBING at best. After I vomited a bit in my mouth, I looked up to see a fellow chubby gym guy and we made eye contact and then, we both just started giggling. Like, seriously, was that guy for real? OH Yeah, yeah he was.
But, I've completely taken a left turn. I was talking about tonight. And I feel it's an equally good tale to tell. So, there I was, in people overload central, heading for the locker room. Tonight was a swim night, so I had to go in and just take my shirt and shorts off that were over my 'AQUATARD' and head out. I walked into the locker room and boom, I see a streak of naked butt trot past me. I was so caught off guard, I had to really process in my mind..."is that what I really just saw?" Now mind you, in the other times I've been in the locker room, and women have showered, or whatever, they have had a towell around them, and discreetly gotten dressed. But no, it was real, there she was..some chick in FULL nudiness, not trying to hide anything. I shook my head, trying to process what I saw. I glanced back, and you wanna know what she was doing, in her bare moony glory? She was standing with her head under the HAND dryer, trying to dry her hair. So now,wierd! I'm standing at my locker, disrobing, and cautiously pulling my towell around my ever too large bottom half. And here she comes, but now she has a shirt on. And she's standing RIGHT next to me. So, I think, ok are there panties involved here? Nope, no there isn't. Once again, I see her full hiney. And, if you must know, it was probably a PERFECT butt. One we'd all pay to have. But still, I just wasn't prepared for such brazenness. Now, I'm over by a mirror putting my totally hawt cap on when I notice that she's pulling her jeans on, with NO UNDERWEAR! She was nakedy naked in her jeans. I can't fathom this, not at all. I know, call me naive, call me old fashioned, call me stupid, but that area is dark and damp and well, it needs protection from the elements. It was all just too much. I was fully DISTURBED! But somehow, I "held it together" enough to now head out to the pool.
Have I mentioned that the gym at night is a giant freaking club? Because, instead of my quiet little pool, with noone in it, I walked into a freaking frat party at the hot tub. Awesome! Look out fellas, fat girl coming in. Actually, I got into the freezing pool while they all hung out like tards with their feet in the hot tub. So, whatev, I'm doing my workout, trying not to let it get to me that fat fat fatty is swimming for all their viewing pleasure. But, upon one of my head out of water moments I hear...."DUDE my all time favorite show is Saved By the Bell." All I could think was.
Then I felt better. These guys were so nerd bomber. All trying to one up te other on their job, life, knowledge, etc. And the best part, I could swim better than all of them.
After a beating in the pool, I then traipsed my ample booty and bosoms over to the sauna. I have never been a fan of overly hot rooms that cause sweat, but tonight....it felt like magic. That heat felt like a million fingers, massaging down and working out the extreme tension in my shoulders and head! It was AWESOME! When my hair was sufficiently crunchy and my body equally sweaty, I got up and made my exit from "the club."
Then, I promptly came home and ate chocolate!
I mean YES, I'm awesome!!!
Frat tards and nudies,