Monday, March 29, 2010

Well now I'm just disturbed!

Yeah, so I didn't get up and go to the gym this morning.  I just DIDN'T do it.  Don't worry, I flogged myself a bit and slapped myself around and then moved on.  All it meant was that I now had to go tonight, which is a double eww and a giant "SUCK IT!"  I HATE going to the gym at night, and let me tell you why.

At night time, the gym feels like some club that I did NOT get the invite too.  There are FAR to many people, and they're generally prettier and skinnier than me.  Also, I am rather disdainful of showering at night, going to bed and then getting up to just shower again. Ain't my thang.  But alas, I had selfishly chosen not to go in the a.m., so my punishment was set.


At precisely 8:30 p.m. I rolled up to the gym.  "GREAT, the freaking parking lot is full."  After a couple of rounds through the parking lot I finally found a spot.  I gathered up my stuff and headed in.  I'm not kidding when I say, this place is hopping like New Orleans at Mardi Gras, or the mall on a Saturday afternoon.  So...Many...People!  UGH!  I really prefer my peeps at 5:30.  It's a few other chubbies like me, some other moms here and there...the occassional washed up jock, a few guys trying to carry on their glory days, you know, we're a motley but lovable crew.  As a total sidenote, I'm seriously considering starting another blog, just to chronicle my thoughts and observations at the gym.  'Cause I'm here to tell you, I have some pretty funny thoughts.  Like this one time...this guy, who CLEARLY had had his heyday in 1970 came meandering through the gym.  He was totally wearing his "Golds Gym" shirt (circa 1970) and what can only be described as spanky pants (you know, like cheerleaders wear under their skirts)  a totally hot and happenin terry cloth headband, huge man glasses and a balding head.  I'm telling you, he was probably the SH in THE 70'S!  So, he comes sauntering past me, heading for some machine, sure to flex his muscular stature and I am telling you....in those awesome spanky pants (ummm, avert your eyes, or cover your ears, or uh, if easily offened, jump down) I don't know how to say this in any other way...but to put it "delicately"....there was nothing but "head" for days (sorry Mom, that's bound to kill dad, don't tell him I said it).  It was DISTURBING at best.  After I vomited a bit in my mouth, I looked up to see a fellow chubby gym guy and we made eye contact and then, we both just started giggling.  Like, seriously, was that guy for real?  OH Yeah, yeah he was.


But, I've completely taken a left turn.  I was talking about tonight.  And I feel it's an equally good tale to tell.  So, there I was, in people overload central, heading for the locker room.  Tonight was a swim night, so I had to go in and just take my shirt and shorts off that were over my 'AQUATARD' and head out.  I walked into the locker room and boom, I see a streak of naked butt trot past me.  I was so caught off guard, I had to really process in my mind..."is that what I really just saw?"  Now mind you, in the other times I've been in the locker room, and women have showered, or whatever, they have had a towell around them, and discreetly gotten dressed.  But no, it was real, there she was..some chick in FULL nudiness, not trying to hide anything.  I shook my head, trying to process what I saw.  I glanced back, and you wanna know what she was doing, in her bare moony glory?  She was standing with her head under the HAND dryer, trying to dry her hair.  So now,wierd!  I'm standing at my locker, disrobing, and cautiously pulling my towell around my ever too large bottom half.  And here she comes, but now she has a shirt on.  And she's standing RIGHT next to me.  So, I think, ok are there panties involved here?  Nope, no there isn't.  Once again, I see her full hiney.  And, if you must know, it was probably a PERFECT butt.  One we'd all pay to have.  But still, I just wasn't prepared for such brazenness.  Now, I'm over by a mirror putting my totally hawt cap on when I notice that she's pulling her jeans on, with NO UNDERWEAR!  She was nakedy naked in her jeans.  I can't fathom this, not at all.  I know, call me naive, call me old fashioned, call me stupid, but that area is dark and damp and well, it needs protection from the elements.  It was all just too much.  I was fully DISTURBED!  But somehow, I "held it together" enough to now head out to the pool.


Have I mentioned that the gym at night is a giant freaking club?  Because, instead of my quiet little pool, with noone in it, I walked into a freaking frat party at the hot tub.  Awesome!  Look out fellas, fat girl coming in.  Actually, I got into the freezing pool while they all hung out like tards with their feet in the hot tub.  So, whatev, I'm doing my workout, trying not to let it get to me that fat fat fatty is swimming for all their viewing pleasure.  But, upon one of my head out of water moments I hear...."DUDE my all time favorite show is Saved By the Bell."  All I could think was.

Seriously?

NERD!

Then I felt better.  These guys were so nerd bomber.  All trying to one up te other on their job, life, knowledge, etc.  And the best part, I could swim better than all of them.

After a beating in the pool, I then traipsed my ample booty and bosoms over to the sauna.  I have never been a fan of overly hot rooms that cause sweat, but tonight....it felt like magic.  That heat felt like a million fingers, massaging down and working out the extreme tension in my shoulders and head!  It was AWESOME!  When my hair was sufficiently crunchy and my body equally sweaty, I got up and made my exit from "the club."


Then, I promptly came home and ate chocolate!

I mean YES, I'm awesome!!!


Frat tards and nudies,

Allyson

24 comments:

LadyCarma said...

I was totally laughing on the line "okay fellas, fat girl coming in." How do you think of such funny phrases? I was amused.
And that part about the girl putting on her jeans without anything else before - I have had previous knowledge that such is the case with many people, and like you, it so grosses me out! And I am betting they don't wash their jeans between wearings - shudder! Thanks for sharing the trip through the gym.

jen said...

Hey! I think I know that guy!
And I'm impressed you'd still get in the pool. I mean, I would crawl back in with nakedy if the pool were full of men. Brave soul, my friend!

azandersens said...

That was so funny. I can relate and have few stories to tell myself . . . some from the 5:30 a.m. crowd. Which gym are you going to now?

LambAround said...

There are definitely some weirdos at the gym!
I'll choose taking a walk or dancing around the house over a gym membership any day. Heck, after reading this post, I'd choose diet pills over going to your gym :p

Steph said...

Oh, mercy, that was funny. You are a brave and dedicated woman. I went to a spa once (only once!) and there was this big pregnant woman walking around and getting in the pool and everything totally naked. Which apparently is totally ok at a spa, but still, it was like trying not to stare at a train wreck everytime she walked by! You're just thinking, Did I really just see that?

Mel said...

So funny. I hate going to a crowded gym. I probably wouldn't have been able to resist some sort of uhhh...wtf comment under my breath if naked chick ran by me. Really?
Saved by the Bell is NOT nerdy. lol. Okay, maybe it is, but I love it so.

LanaBanana said...

That was so funny, as were the comments afterward! Some people are so sick--I mean, all girls need to understand that NO ONE is okay with their locker room naked prancing. It's just wrong. Sorry. Maybe...MAYBE I wouldn't mind much if someone were quickly getting dressed or undressed in a quiet corner--you know, being discreet. But seriously, brazenly waltzing around drying hair and rubbing nakedness all over everything. No no no. Not okay. :) I think that same 70's d-bag has been going to every gym I've been going to my whole life!! He must be in great shape with all that gym attendance!

jennie.newland said...

Hey Allyson!
Congratulations, you are the winner of my contest! Yay for you! Please e-mail me your info so I can get your new stroller sent to you!!

Wendy said...

Although it may not have been your lucky night at the gym, it is clearly your lucky day in the blog world. Hello, Free Stroller?!!! Congrats.

This post made me laugh and laugh. I also saw a naked girl at the gym yesterday. I'd read your gym blog.

Ryan and Lori Jones said...

I used to see naked old ladies at the gym all the time, sooo nasty. And i must be a nerd too because saved by the bell really is my all time fav show. You are hilarious and thanks for all your sweet comments on our blog. PS I did make those cakes it took me ALL day and so did that dang header!

Jason and Kate said...

This could be one of the funniest posts yet. You are hilarious! I have a few stories myself and I am a part of the 5:30 am crowd. I would totally read your gym blog.

DianD said...

I'll take my block-walks and waves to neighbors from south of the border over brazen gym creeps any day! Seriously! What are these people thinking?!?!? Good for you for working out anyway... Maybe not so good for you to have chocolate fixes after workouts however!

Sorry to hear student numbers are down due to musicals, need for more cash or whatever the reasons! :( Ouch!

Colleen said...

I TOTALLY kmow what you are talking about!!! for sure its one big nite club party there !! I refuse to go at night! Thats what gets me up in the mornings, the thought of going at night!ugh! I am so proud of you for going at night! Go Allyson!

Jennifer said...

This was the funniest post! And...just reminded me why it is that I do not go to a gym. Instead I just forked over a few hundred bucks and bought a treadmill!

Thanks for your comment.

TJones2148 said...

hahaha...you seriously crack me up. I laughed so hard when i read this that i even had to read it out loud to sebastian. Too funny! And i totally can see all of that happening at "the club". Love it!

Crandell Fam said...

Oh never you fear...Lifetime Fitness is the mother of all nakedyness! Serioiusly, old, young, skinny, fat, doesn't matter! People just brazenly walk around naked all the time. It is quite distressing to me. I avert my eyes and always wonder HOW do people do that?

Although...I have a confession. At the Ragnar Relay this last February they were offering showers in the girls locker room at a high school in Fountain Hills for $3. After 2 days in a car full of stinky people, no sleep, and nasty sweatiness from running practically a marathon - I jumped at the chance. Problem? No doors on showers in a high school locker room! Many nakeys walking around. I boldly went where I never thought I would (however I tried to be as discreet as possible unlike others), quickly shed clothes, RAN (as fast as I could without slipping and dying on the comletely flooded floor) to the showers (which were COLD btw), showered as fast as I could, and then had to quickly and not so discreetly walk back, dry off, and try to get dressed. It was HARD, and I was mentally covering my face with my hands the whole time and pretending no one could really see me. So many people were doing it...they all seemed like it didn't bother them, so I just tried to fit in and pretend. But oh believe me, BOTHERED ME GREATLY. And yet the relief of being clean was all worth it in the end, I have to say. :)

My favorite part of your post was about the 70's guy. GAGGING noises may have escaped my throat.

FUNNY FUNNY post! You really need to write for a magazine. YOu're just hysterical.

Pini Family said...

Oh my crap...so funny!! All of it! I needed that today. Hahahaha! Your story makes me never want to go to a gym again. Here in Indy, the guy would have been toothless to boot! :)

Mary512 said...

Cute blog and family. Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!

Mary
512 kidz blog
http://512kidz.blogspot.com

Donna said...

Too funny. But jeans without undies? That's just wrong on so many levels.

Lois Houston said...

So totally funny! I love your take on the world!

Lynn said...

I had to choose this post to read on your SITS day, because I'm sitting here right now at the computer having blown off my morning workout just as you had. But now I'm scared to go tonight...

Jenny said...

Oh My Goodness! I totally know what you mean! It is totally like a club!

Michelle said...

Also hilarious! I no longer belong to a gym because I have been running outdoors instead but I have belonged to a few gyms over the years and how people behave there is so interesting.

Jenn Erickson said...

You crack me up! I think it would be fun to go to the gym with you just to get your play-by-play of all the wacky-woohoos up front and in person! I'm dying over the Golds Gym guy! Felt your pain and could even taste the vomit a bit :-P