Friday, May 28, 2010
WILLPOWER......what is it? Who has it?
What is it about willpower? Why do sometimes you have it in spades, and other times, you have no ability WHAT.SO.EVER to refrain from eating that which you've told yourself you can not or will not eat? It's a mystery, a conundrum if you will.
The day after Easter I told myself I would not TOUCH sugar for 6 weeks, until the triathlon. I was SICK of feeling like an out of control piglet. I was tired of feeling like crap from eating everything in my sight that was BAD for me. I wanted control, and I knew I could do it. So, with a house FULL of Easter candy, I began my sugar "fast."
Wanna know what? It was one of the easiest things I've ever done. In those 6 weeks, there were only 2 real times that I STRUGGLED with a desire to have something sweet. Mostly though, I felt good. I felt good because I had control over something. I felt good because I wasn't loading my body with processed, CRAP! I didn't even want any of it. I went to wedding receptions and wasn't even tempted by the cake, cookies or cupcakes. I never even thought about the bags of candy sitting on my counter or in my cupboards. It was not hard. AND, as a total bonus, I lost 10 lbs. that month.
The day of the Tri came, and I told myself, and anyone else who would listen for that matter, that I was gonna have a chocolate chip cookie, 'cause heck, i deserved it. After the Tri I ate something ont he way home, don't remember what. That afternoon was the kids pre-school program (as a sidenote and completely unrelated, it was genius Pre-school Musical, and adorable) and there were treats a plenty to be had afterward. I ate a couple cookies, a cupcake and some other stuff. The truth was, none of it tasted all that good, but I ate it anyway. Because I COULD.
Herein lies the problem.....I have not been able to stop since.
What is the deal? Everyday I say to myself, I don't need sugar, I don't want sugar, i'm not gonna eat any today. And I'll do alright for a minute, but sure enough, I always fall. Whether it's one of the kids fruitsnacks, a candy, some of Jeres never ending supply of chocolate or cookies. Seriously, I am NOT allowed to make cookies (only made them once in the last 6 months) because I eat like 100 at a time (only a mild exaggeration). WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? Why does the brain work this way?
My Mom has always said, she regrets the Doctor ever telling me I was allowed to eat sugar again, because once he said that, I started and never looked back. Only to have a lifetime of heartache and sadness and fatness. Oh, fast story: 2nd grade, diagnosed with nephritis, put on a strict, no sugar, no salt, no flour (basically a no NOTHING) diet. Year of penecillan and blood tests. After that year, I was deemed healthy and i could go back to eating. Bad idea.
As I sit here, having just eaten TEN Hershey nugget candies and feeling like POO, the question goes through my head AGAIN. WHY? Why am I weak, why is this such a struggle. WHY was it SO easy for those 6 weeks? WHERE is the willpower?
And so, I've decided, I have a new goal. I'm going off sugar for the month of June. And by no sugar I mean, no cake, cookies, candy, muffins etc. Not all crazy like, no trace of it in your sauce or stuff like that. If I can get through workshop with no sugar, then I can do anything.
Who is with me? Anyone? No? Just me? Ok fine. But, it's your job to keep me accountable, you understand? ASK me how I'm doing with that. I NEED you, even if i don't know you.
I'm tired of being a slave to myself. I'm tired of sugar beating me. So, I am mustering up my strength, calling all WILLPOWER! The battle is on bitches!
Candy bars and stomach aches,
Posted by Allyson & Jere at 2:25 PM