Friday, May 28, 2010

On Willpower

WILLPOWER......what is it?  Who has it?

What is it about willpower?  Why do sometimes you have it in spades, and other times, you have no ability WHAT.SO.EVER to refrain from eating that which you've told yourself you can not or will not eat?  It's a mystery, a conundrum if you will.

The day after Easter I told myself I would not TOUCH sugar for 6 weeks, until the triathlon.  I was SICK of feeling like an out of control piglet.  I was tired of feeling like crap from eating everything in my sight that was BAD for me.  I wanted control, and I knew I could do it.  So, with a house FULL of Easter candy, I began my sugar "fast."

Wanna know what?  It was one of the easiest things I've ever done.  In those 6 weeks, there were only 2 real times that I STRUGGLED with a desire to have something sweet.  Mostly though, I felt good.  I felt good because I had control over something.  I felt good because I wasn't loading my body with processed, CRAP!  I didn't even want any of it.  I went to wedding receptions and wasn't even tempted by the cake, cookies or cupcakes.  I never even thought about the bags of candy sitting on my counter or in my cupboards.  It was not hard.  AND, as a total bonus, I lost 10 lbs. that month.

The day of the Tri came, and  I told myself, and anyone else who would listen for that matter, that I was gonna have a chocolate chip cookie, 'cause heck, i deserved it.  After the Tri I ate something ont he way home, don't remember what.  That afternoon was the kids pre-school program (as a sidenote and completely unrelated, it was genius Pre-school Musical, and adorable) and there were treats a plenty to be had afterward.  I ate a couple cookies, a cupcake and some other stuff.  The truth was, none of it tasted all that good, but I ate it anyway.  Because I COULD.

Herein lies the problem.....I have not been able to stop since.

What is the deal?  Everyday I say to myself, I don't need sugar, I don't want sugar, i'm not gonna eat any today.  And I'll do alright for a minute, but sure enough, I always fall.  Whether it's one of the kids fruitsnacks, a candy, some of Jeres never ending supply of chocolate or cookies.  Seriously, I am NOT allowed to make cookies (only made them once in the last 6 months) because I eat like 100 at a time (only a mild exaggeration).  WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?  Why does the brain work this way?

My Mom has always said, she regrets the Doctor ever telling me I was allowed to eat sugar again, because once he said that, I started and never looked back.  Only to have a lifetime of heartache and sadness and fatness.  Oh, fast story:  2nd grade, diagnosed with nephritis, put on a strict, no sugar, no salt, no flour (basically a no NOTHING) diet.  Year of penecillan and blood tests.  After that year, I was deemed healthy and i could go back to eating.  Bad idea.

As I sit here, having just eaten TEN Hershey nugget candies and feeling like POO, the question goes through my head AGAIN. WHY?  Why am I weak, why is this such a struggle.  WHY was it SO easy for those 6 weeks?  WHERE is the willpower?

And so, I've decided, I have a new goal.  I'm going off sugar for the month of June. And by no sugar I mean, no cake, cookies, candy, muffins etc.  Not all crazy like, no trace of it in your sauce or stuff like that. If I can get through workshop with no sugar, then I can do anything.

Who is with me?  Anyone?  No?  Just me?  Ok fine.  But, it's your job to keep me accountable, you understand?  ASK me how I'm doing with that.  I NEED you, even if i don't know you.

I'm tired of being a slave to myself.  I'm tired of sugar beating me.  So, I am mustering up my strength, calling all WILLPOWER!  The battle is on bitches!

Candy bars and stomach aches,



Adoption of Jane said...

I really needed to read this!! I stole Cheetos from my 3yr old yesterday after losing 11 lbs. I am so with you Sister!

What a gorgeous Family! Your kids are adorable!

The Bipolar Diva said...

I'm in! hahaha....I say that as I sit in my bed with 2 of my kids discussing the correct way to eat Whoppers Malt Balls!
Signin' up now!

The Atomic Mom said...

I'll do it with you. Try cutting out one of the main allergy foods, like peanuts (I know that's my mantra these days), but honestly since most things are peanut contaminated, we've cut out most junk and etc. It's been nice. I'd suggest too that if mama is off the sugar, all the peeps are too. It's not fair of Jere to have all that junk in the house and you sitting there trying to be good. :) Anyway, you know I LUFF can do it, and so will I!! :)

Seriously... said...

i want to be on board too....but as i type that i feel like i'm already planning to fail. I love sugar. especially when it's mixed with butter and a few other good ingredients. I have 13 more pounds to lose.....and this is probably the only way to get them gone. I think I can do it. Ok...i can do it. I will try. As long as we get a few re-dos

Rocketgirl said...

Is it that your going cold-turkey that makes it spiral? (Sidenote - I almost hit a turkey the other day. It was within a foot from my car!!!!!) Maybe when you go back to being "allowed" again, you only allow yourself a certain amount a day/week? Of course. what do I know? I have NO self-control. Well, unless you count when I relapse into my eating disorder... when I'm NOT starving myself, I have no control. Pfft all or nothin'. Anywho, good luck!!

Jen West said...

I am in love with sweets, too. Anytime, anyplace. Best of luck, but I am not in right now.

The Driggs said...

I know exactly what you mean. I have a cupboard of my "secret craving stash"...Nuggets coincidentally. I am a chocaholic and always have ingredients in my cupboards to make stuff. My will power is gone, and it's only there if I'm in "the Zone" which currently I'm not. But the one thing that has worked for me and my family is to have our FAT Friday. The kids know that we eat healthy during the week, and then on Friday, anything goes! It would be hard for me to do a sugar fast for 4 weeks. But this has worked for us since New Year's!

sarah said...

I have a lil surprise for you over at my blog!

Whatcha waitin' for? Go look :)

Jenn C. said...

I am totally with you and since we will be spending ALOT of time together we can truly check up on each other and keep each other STRONG!!!

DianD said...

You can do it, but what you really need to do to help you understand yourself is to read "What to say when you talk to yourself," by Shad Helmsteader! I'm convinced that part of your self defeat is what you say to yourself. The other part of the problem is our whole culture! Inside and outside of the church... Bigger, better, more, "Kool-aid Mom" syndrome, can't-have-a-church meetiing-or-any-other-gathering-meeting-without-JUNK-food mentality! We've forgotten that food is to nourish and instead we think we're being good and kind if we provide "treats" and desserts for everyone everytime we turn around! The "But I deserve it, 'darn it' mentality" is killing us! DARN IT! We can do it! No b'day cake for me this month!

M said...

Hope you survive June. I don't think I could cut sugar out of my diet. What works for me is not buying any processed stuff. If I want something sweet, I make it myself. Very important... If you make it, make sure you give some of it away so you don't eat 100 cookies. :)

visiting from SITS

Natalie said...

I'm not standing behind you, I'm standing right next to you! And I'm really going to try - because you need the support, and because I really need to quit eating crap. As you know, I've only been half-assing it with the Alli. I'm really going to do better. Good for you for acknowledging the problem and asking for help. Hugs to you, my friend!

jen said...

I was having this exact same inner dialogue with myself yesterday. And I am on board. I guess no homemade choc chip cookie delivery to the MCC staff this year, since you and Jenn are who I love most there and you won't even have any!
Why is this so hard? I am just like you--all or nothing. And it's gonna be nothing, my friend! Thanks for the motivation.

Kellie said...

I'll be cheering from the sidelines!

The Urban Cowboy said...

I don't eat much sweets, so I'll be right there asking each day how it's going. I think you're on the right track by determining a GOAL to achieve.

MamaD said...

You do realize you have a sister that addresses these EXACT issues on her training blog right? :)
Go to the link below, read, and then think about it. Really think about it and allow your thought process to change.

Dixiechick said...

Oops! You might have found that last comment a bit abrasive. The funny thing is, the way I wrote it made it sound like someone else was writing it about me, I just had no idea Annie was logged in on my computer. My bad. Or maybe it was her bad. Anyway, no worries, that was from me. I was praising myself and my lovely blog posts...she wasn't. Although I'm sure she'd say the same thing. :) the post.

Jason and Kate said...

I have to agree with Dixie on this one. Ever since she put up that post, my thoughts on sugar are completely different. I want to be "skinny" instead of eating sugar. I ate some dessert the other weekend and after eating it I thought, "That wasn't that good. I could have gone without."

I have a no sugar deal with some people in my family. If we break it then we have to pay each person $100. It makes you think twice before eating something.


Way. To. Go. I am trying too. It is HARD. I don't know how you breezed through those 6 weeks, but I am going to try and ride your wave.

I have a theory. Sugar is evil and is going to haunt me until the day I die. It whispers sweet sweeties in my ear day and NIGHT, but for the sake of my arteries and insulin, I MUST RESIST.

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