Monday, September 20, 2010

Gym Tales

When my thigh fat threatened to eat the chair for lunch, I decided I had BETTER get my hefty hips back in the gym.  I know, you think I go all the time, but I just took ANOTHER two week vacay from the land of all things cardio and muscly.  Serioulsy, I don't know WHAT my problem is.  BUT, I DO know that I'm most miserable when I don't work out. 

SO, this morning at 6 a.m. my phone alarm gave me a pleasant little jingle awake and I hefted my body up and off the bed.  Only to be greeted by the turn of a door knob, shut of a door, turn of another door knob, pitter pat of little Max feet and a sweet binky filled mouth saying....."KIDSSHOWWW."  I promptly put the kibosh on that one and told him to snuggle up to Daddy.  He obliged, but then when I was taking to long in the bathroom, he came to investigate.  By this time Maggie had joined the party.  UMMM, NO!  I was on a mission dammit, and they were not gonna deter me.  So, I told them it was FAR to early for kids shows and they were going back to bed.  Surprisingly, they stayed quiet after I put them back in their beds.  There was no weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth.  Not even so much as a peep.  I finished getting ready and stealthly left the house.  Nevermind that they came and got Jere out of bed at 6:30, point is, I was gone!

Always feels good to return to the gym.  Seeing my regular peeps, scanning my finger for admittance.  Oh what?  You don't type in your number and have a red laser scan your index finger?  What kind of gym are YOU going to?  We're freaking the Jetsons these days.  ANYWAYYYYY.

I've decided that i just need to suck it up and do my time on the treadmill, walk the miles, and or work up some run time. I just have to do it.  Bah, I don't like it.
My body was a bit rebellious and it fought me.  It cried and yelled and called me bad names for doing this.  I just told it to shove it and move on.

Crap, i just get so caught up in telling the story, when all I really wanted to do was share some observations of WHO was there.  GAHHH, why must I be so verbose (I love that word).

First and foremost, there was NO sign of Sir Flops A Lot, which is always a sad day.  But, you will be happy to note that I did at least bring my cellphone IN the car with me.  So, we're one step closer to me ever photo documenting the legend of Long Duck DONG!  I must prove to you, that unlike the Lochness monster (which truth be told his "member" is probably as big as old nessie) FLOPS is REAL!  But for today...no sign.

However, in attendance today were Harold and Gertie (my names for them, not their own I'm sure).  You guys, I kid not when I say they must be approaching something like, ummm, ONE HUNDRED.  I love them for being their nearly every day in all their wrinkled, stooped over glory.  She is the lady of the giant hair, sunglass wearing, tracksuit glory.  He is adorable, all bent over, in his runner shorts, high tube socks and perfectly coiffed head of white hair.  They always spend some time on the treadmill, followed by a leisurely ride on the bikes, he on the stationary, she on the recumbent.  I wanna be taking care of bidness when I'm that old too.

Also there was "Showmybelly" Sally (also not her real name).  This chick irritates me.  She's Reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllly proud of her tight flat tummy and goes to great lengths to LIFT her shirt, or "fix" her shirt so that we can all see it.  She goes over to this one area where you can stretch or do stationary exercises in front of the mirror and she lifts her shirt up and watches her stomach as she does whatever.  Then she looks around to see who is looking at her.  WHATEVER!  Good for you, you're in great shape.  You work out.  Who cares!  NEXT...

Creepy Carl, the neighborhood freakshow who mostly wanders around the gym to "observe."  He's literally a peeping tom, stalker who has a restraining order placed on him by HIS PARENTS.  Today, he kept wandering back and forth by the eliptical machines.  I could tell he was a little agitated.  Finally, he asked this girl that was on one of the machines (there are like 100) how long she was gonna be on that one.  Don't know what she responded but apparently not what he wanted.  He set to pacing some more.  Then returned and stood on one 2 over from her and started asking her questions.  Evidently, she was on HIS machine, the one HE liked to use.  Ewwww!

But BEST of all....today, TODAY I worked out with (and by worked out with I mean, I stalked him in all his chubby love handled glory as he made his way around the gym) THIS GUY:

Fillipe Fa of Biggest Loser Fame....
Only he does NOT look like that after picture  or this one.....


He may or may not have gained a pound or 60 since then.
But hey, I'm not judging, 'cause I'm right there with him.
FREAKING HATE weight.
Work that hard, lose that much you should be granted a pass to not
gain back so much freaking weight.

Anyway, Fillipe was clearly "helping" out two other rather large guys.
First they took a 10 min. spin on the elliptical and then they sauntered over to the free weight section.
I sort of lost track of them there because I was engrossed in the saga of the Romanian immigrant to Canada and would she or wouldn't she be able to sell her really ugly house.
Would they be able to class it up enough to make it sellable?
Finally, I made my way over to some machines near where he was now working.
So, while I was doing my sideways crunches, I was practically working out WITH Fillipe.
See, didn't that work out spectacularly for me?

Oh, and you'll be relieved to know that Romanian ladys house was rendered sellable. 

All in all a successful day of gym observations and workouts with the stars.

Flopless and fatties,

Allyson

17 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I wonder how many of those BL contestants put weight back on. Oprah had a show last season of people who had publicly lost a ton of weight, who gained all if not more, back. Several of them were BL contestants.

LanaBanana said...

Hilarious. From the "thigh weight threatening to eat a chair" to the Romainian's house.

And Filipe is a total gym adulterer because I totally stalked him at my YMCA a few months back. Whatever. So unfaithful.

JoJo said...

Show my belly sally is really pissing me off too!!

So sad the BL guy gained all that weight again after working so hard to lose it.

Anyway, good for you for going to the gym all the time. I rarely work out, but have been feeling so gross lately I begged my husband to buy me an elliptical machine. We'll see what happens with that.

Simoney said...

OMG Allyson! This made me literally laugh out loud and I just love a blog post that does that. Wow am I thankful i found you, cos my old friend Miss Obnoxious SAHM has shut up shop and your writing erminds me of hers (my fav from earlier bloggy days)
Mr Floppy had me snorting. HOnestly. You are too funny. Love it. Wish I had some kind of award to give, or at least something shiny and sparkly. Cos this one brightnened my day. Er night. It's nearly midnight here and LOOK WHERE I AM!!! On the Blog. Bah.
xxx

Ari said...

When I find out BL contestants gain all (or a lot) of their weight back, I kind of feel like someone just told me there's no Santa Claus. I have decided that I need a buddy pass to your gym so I can people watch with you! Oh and you will need to come to mine someday to meet the man we refer to as "Grandpa".

Jen West said...

I would go to the gym just for THAT! Wandering around, I mean, working out and watching people.. :)

reasonably chubby said...

Hahaha! I loved the 'he may have gained a pound or 60...' LOL! Hey, I'm right there with ya! I too work out and have decided it's mostly to release stress. I never seem to get actually thin or fit, or remotely 'tight stomached'. The LAST thing I want to do is look at, have others look at, or even think of looking at my stomach. BUT AT LEAST WE WORK OUT! And that's what Felipe is saying to himself everyday...

AndreaLeigh said...

good for you for going to the gym! I need to get my fat butt motivated as well.

Dana said...

I'm positive that my gym must have "interesting" people to watch like yours (since its the size of a freaking mall!) But I guess I am so busy hoping no one is looking at me, that I don't notice another sole. I pretty much hope to turn into Mrs. Cellophane when I walk into the gym--for now. But when I lose another 100 pounds, I'm totally turning into that Sally chick--gonna show off my sassy bod. Hey, I can dream!

Dana said...

lolol....did I just type sole for soul?!? awesome! I guess I was just dreaming of a healthy lunch!

Grace said...

Gyms are so awesome for people watching, aren't they?

lexlocilori said...

lol @ he may have gained a pound or 60.I am watching biggest loser as we "speak."

TornadoTwos said...

OMG this made me laugh so hard! I LOVE your gym, how fabulous it is! Can't think of a better motivator to get me to a gym then the wonderful "show" you get to see each time you go. BTW- I think you rock for getting yourself there that early! That sounds like a great plan to me the night before, but once the alarm goes off I could never follow through.

Diva said...

Wow! I watched that season and liked those two guys. Working out is always a struggle. Hang in there, and thanks for stopping by for my SITS Day!

alison said...

okay....seriously i kept reading past the "sir flops alot" part, but my brain wasn't really following along after that because all i could think about was a friend of mine who had a guy working for him....and they called him "floppy cods" or "flop" for short. and the dude was like 70-something years old and it gah-rossed me out somethin' fierce. SO....i read your post at 5 a.m. but i had to wait until i was able to seer that image out of my head in order to comment.

and i've said it before, i'll say it again....you SO have the greatest gym entertainment ever!! back in the day when i was actually able to treat myself to a gym trip, alls i ever saw where a bunch of meatheads and skinny hoochie-mamas that i wanted to beat with a high calorie chocolate stick.

Minky {moo} said...

I really gotta get back to the gym. I wonder if come over towel hat guy is still there....hmmm.
Also?
YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Clark Family said...

Ewww...."creepy carl" as you call him...i suppose i too will keep what he is really known by to myself, creeps me out more than you know!! He is the only reason why I am glad I can't afford to go to the gym any more!! Oh the stories I could tell!!