Thursday, September 2, 2010

My Heart is Broken...

I just need to begin this with a HUGE and heartfelt thank you to ALL who showed me such love and support on my SITS day.  That was an amazing experience, and certainly brought me happiness in the midst of a sad time.  So THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

**Now for those who come to laugh, this is certainly not a post that will offer that.  This is a post for me to express my sadness and sorrow for an event that has broken my heart.**

I don't even know how to articulate what happened and how I feel right now.  I don't understand it.  I don't WANT to have to understand why my sweet, WONDERFUL friends have to experience this level of loss and pain.

It wasn't s'posed to happen like this...Monday night, families were gathered for a Family Home Evening swimming party at their Bishops house.  Everyone was having a great time.  Kids playing, parents talking, a warm summer evening of fun.  After everyone got out of the pool to eat, our friends nearly 4 year old son and his older sister wanted to keep swimming.  They told HIM no.  The sister and her friend got in and were swimming while he played nearby and while the parents were RIGHT there watching.  They continually watched him, checked to make sure he was just playing where he was.  The last time they turned around for a second and when they looked back, he was gone.  His sister was playing right there in the pool, she didn't even notice him.  The father rushed over and found his precious little boy floating on top of the pool.  He grabbed him out, he administered CPR.  Jaxon threw up water and food, he started taking shallow breaths.  This was such a good sign.  The paramedics got there, they got a pulse, they continued to work on him.  He threw up some more water.  They put him on the helicopter and just couldn't get him to respond, they got to the hospital, they continued to work on him, but he just wasn't there.  In literally a SECOND, he was gone.   Their sweet, wonderful little boy was GONE!  It wasn't s'posed to be that way.  They were watching him.  They revived him.  It wasn't s'posd to end like this.  It's NEVER s'posed to end like this.  ESPECIALLY to people as wonderful as this. 

I don't know more wonderful, kind, giving, caring, righteous, loving or FUNNNY people.  They love their children and parent so amazingly.  They've suffered so much loss already in their lives.  WHY, WHY must they suffer this, the most unbearable of ALL losses?

When the phone call came on Tuesday morning, I just screamed at my sister..."NO, you can't be telling me this."  And pretty much, I've cried since then.  I cry for these amazing parents, my friends that I love soooo much.  I cry for this sweet boy and a life cut short.  I cry because the parents faith is so strong, and they,in all their sorrow have a perspective that is so Eternal and have said "perhaps it was his time, and Heaavenly  Father needed him more than us."  I share their faith, their beliefs, and I KNOW that I am NOT in a place spiritually or emotionally to say such things.  Their good-ness overwhelms me.

I know in my heart that Jaxon IS with God, and with family members that have gone on before him.  I know that his parents will get to be with him again someday.  I believe in the Eternal sealing power of the Temple, and believe that families ARE Eternal and FOREVER.  But it does NOT make me feel any better right now.

I just wish that I could understand why some people have to suffer so much more than others.  Why are their trials so much greater?  I don't get it.  I don't appreciate it, not at all.

I've been asked to sing at the funeral, and I'm so honored.  Generally, I'm not a cryer when I sing.  I am usually very able to keep it together.  Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me, for being able to be so "un" emotional when singing at funerals.  But I'm terrified of this one.  I don't know HOW I will keep it together.  My heart hurts too much.  Thankfully my friend Jenee gave me a song that I think is so perfect.....for the survivors.

I'm going to share the words with you, and maybe they'll help all of us feel some peace.

He knows your heart.  He knows your pain.
He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today.
He sees the tears that you cry.
He knows your soul is aching to know why.
He hears your prayers, each humble word when you said you couldn't face another day he understood.
He knows the path when you walk blind.
Though you've felt alone he's never left your side.
He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words could take away your sorrow.
And no human eyes could see what you're going through.
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do, he will lift your heavy load and carry you.
He'll bring you peace and leave you hope and in the darkest night he'll comfort you until you know the sun will rise.
And each new day you will have the strength to live again.
And in the moments when no earthly words can take away your sorrow, and no human eyes can see wat you're going through.
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do.
He will lift your heavy load and carry you.

                                                      -Hillary Weeks

I think, because I am a Mother, because my children are so close to that age, it hurts even more.  And as this week has progressed, I've held them a little closer, hugged them a little tighter and thanked God a little more for each moment I have with them.  There just are not any guarantees, there are no promises that we will get to have them with us always in this life.  And so, I will cherish each moment.  I will strive to take in their sweet giggles, their silly phrases, their LOUD playing and fighting and appreciate it all for what it is.  Childhood.  My babies.  I don't ever want to take them for granted.  Because you just never know if it will be your last hug, or last kiss.

Goodbye for now sweet Jaxon
May your precious spirit comfort your family always.

We love you Tom and Joy and pray that through all of this that God will "lift your heavy load, and that he'll carry you."

It just wasn't supposed to happen like this.

24 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Oh, this breaks my heart. I have nephews this age, and when I hear about these things happening, it scares me to think about it happening to them.

My heartfelt prayers go out to his family.

Sarah said...

Oh my goodness, how incredibly sad!!! My prayers will be with the family and with you for the strength to honor him with the song. So So sad....

the shoafs said...

i am so sorry to hear this. i couldn't even imagine what they are going through, but my prayers are absolutely with jaxon's family. i just don't understand why things like this happen.... but i know that one day his family will know all the answers to their questions. i pray for peace and comfort for them.

and i will be praying for you as well....for strength and comfort. i know my kiddos will be getting and extra squeeze tonight...

LanaBanana said...

whew. I don't know how anyone EVER sings at a funeral. So glad it's not me.

Can I also give a shout-out to the amazing people who run their frame business inside of Poppy's home decor store near Southern/Power. Porter talked to them today, and they are framing 1 16x20 and 3 11x14 pictures for free to be displayed at the viewing and funeral. And when I took the prints in, they offered the most beautiful frame. Not just some cheap crap thing. They are the nicest people and everyone should use them for anything they want framed. Seriously. "Captured Moments" is the name of their biz. THANKS! :)

I figured this was a great venue to start sending thanks their way.

I'm with you--haven't stopped bawling all week. Doing the DVD has not been easy going through all these photos and listening to music. ugh...

LanaBanana said...

How embarrassing... Captured MIRACLES is the name of their business. capturedmiracles.org

Thanks!

deveney said...

Thanks for sharing your testimony. I'm so sad for them. That song is one of my favorites, and hopefully they feel "carried" during this difficult time. I love them, and they are in my prayers.

lexlocilori said...

oh no. that is beyond terrible. I am so sorry to hear that. what a tragic loss. Hug your kiddos extra tight.

Also, I cannot believe I missed your SITS day!!!! That is awesome. I am totally out of it. I am going to read that right now.

DianD said...

Beautiful tribute. I haven't seen Jaxon since he was a toddler. What a precious picture! And yes, his parents are amazing and our prayers are with them and they will be carried by a loving Heavenly Father who understands their pain. Sing beautifully for them. I know you will.

DianD said...

Beautiful tribute. I haven't seen Jaxon since he was a toddler. What a precious picture! And yes, his parents are amazing and our prayers are with them and they will be carried by a loving Heavenly Father who understands their pain. Sing beautifully for them. I know you will.

DianD said...

Beautiful tribute. I haven't seen Jaxon since he was a toddler. What a precious picture! And yes, his parents are amazing and our prayers are with them and they will be carried by a loving Heavenly Father who understands their pain. Sing beautifully for them. I know you will.

The Bipolar Diva said...

Even after losing a child, this is so tragic. You have me tearing up here.
You will do wonderfully as you honor him and God with your voice.

See Mom Smile said...

Oh I am so sorry. That breaks by mommy heart. What a hard, hard thing. Can't even imagine. My heart has also been praying for the family of the bishop that was killed in Visalia Calif. The losses have been great this week. Bless you in your singing.

LadyCarma said...

I know you will have the right spirit with you when you sing. It is amazing to me how the Lord helps us when we need him. Ever since Lana called to tell me about Jaxon, I have been remembering. Remembering how special Tom and Joy are! What careful and loving parents they are. What great friends they have been to Lana and Porter, that I have seen.
Remembering how, 25 years ago this month, the little boy born within hours of Staci, and his mother and I shared a hospital room, and a year later, just before his first birthday, he toddled down the stretch of grass to the pool, found the gate unlocked, and fell in. The medical professionals kept him alive for a few days with tubes and such but he had no brain activity. For the funeral, the family asked me to sing a special arrangement of "I am a Child of God." I held it together until after I sang, and then I fell apart. I went home a changed mother! It is never easy when a little child dies! I will continue praying for all of you.

JoJo said...

This is so sad. I am so sorry for this tragic loss. Wishing nothing but the best for this family that has suffered so much.

Melissa said...

http://kamberlarsen.blogspot.com/

This is an LDS woman who lost her daughter to a tragic drowning as well. Her husband has started a charity called Kamber's Kaskets, to help others that suffer the loss of the child.

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh my gosh. I just can't believe this. I got chills. And I started crying. I am SO so so sorry for this loss of a child. Heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking. I will pray for Jaxson's family today.

Amber Arrington said...

Allyson,

I my heart is breaking and my eyes are full of tears. I am pretty sure this is the 3rd death of a child to an LDS couple I have heard of locally in the past few weeks alone! What is happening? I don't understand. Why is Heavenly Father taking this little spirits right now? Does it mean something? LIke maybe Christ is coming so soon that he needs those righteous spirits back to help prepare? I don't know. But my thoughts are with you and your friends. I only hope they will feel the strength they need to get through each day from here.

Eve said...

I'm so sorry!

Little Jaxon is in the best imaginable place, yet I can't imagine what his family is going through, left here on earth - I can't begin to fathom the grief of losing a child.

If I could send hugs through the internet, I would, but know that my prayers are with you and this little boy's family and other friends!

3in3mom said...

heartbreaking--I with you have hugged my kids a little tighter and cried many tears for dear Tom and Joy and their sweet family.

I am so sad for this loss, but grateful to know of the Lord's eternal plan.

Good luck tomorrow! I am sure it'll be beautiful!

Jen West said...

that breaks my heart, too. when i was 17 i did cpr on my little brother. he survived. i just barely did. it is a hard, hard thing. they will need love and prayers. i send them to you, too for your song. you'll do great :)

Brandon and Brittani Romney said...

Oh, this is devastating. Our thoughts and prayers are with all of you and his family.

Rocketgirl said...

I just came back from vacation and went to get caught up on you - and I am SO sorry to read this. This entry is sweet, and just right. You are amazing. I am amazed you could sing at the funeral - that takes such strength and poise. My heart aches for you and durn it, I want to be in Arizona so I could squish you and bring you brownies.

Natalie said...

You are a true friend...I think to gather the strength to sink at a child's funeral...especially one close to you is amazing.

This is such a sad ending to a beautiful boy's life. And it scares me so much because I kept seeing Tater's face. I hate that, but as I read it that is what happened.

Redspect said...

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