My Heart is Broken...

I just need to begin this with a HUGE and heartfelt thank you to ALL who showed me such love and support on my SITS day.  That was an amazing experience, and certainly brought me happiness in the midst of a sad time.  So THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

**Now for those who come to laugh, this is certainly not a post that will offer that.  This is a post for me to express my sadness and sorrow for an event that has broken my heart.**

I don't even know how to articulate what happened and how I feel right now.  I don't understand it.  I don't WANT to have to understand why my sweet, WONDERFUL friends have to experience this level of loss and pain.

It wasn't s'posed to happen like this...Monday night, families were gathered for a Family Home Evening swimming party at their Bishops house.  Everyone was having a great time.  Kids playing, parents talking, a warm summer evening of fun.  After everyone got out of the pool to eat, our friends nearly 4 year old son and his older sister wanted to keep swimming.  They told HIM no.  The sister and her friend got in and were swimming while he played nearby and while the parents were RIGHT there watching.  They continually watched him, checked to make sure he was just playing where he was.  The last time they turned around for a second and when they looked back, he was gone.  His sister was playing right there in the pool, she didn't even notice him.  The father rushed over and found his precious little boy floating on top of the pool.  He grabbed him out, he administered CPR.  Jaxon threw up water and food, he started taking shallow breaths.  This was such a good sign.  The paramedics got there, they got a pulse, they continued to work on him.  He threw up some more water.  They put him on the helicopter and just couldn't get him to respond, they got to the hospital, they continued to work on him, but he just wasn't there.  In literally a SECOND, he was gone.   Their sweet, wonderful little boy was GONE!  It wasn't s'posed to be that way.  They were watching him.  They revived him.  It wasn't s'posd to end like this.  It's NEVER s'posed to end like this.  ESPECIALLY to people as wonderful as this. 

I don't know more wonderful, kind, giving, caring, righteous, loving or FUNNNY people.  They love their children and parent so amazingly.  They've suffered so much loss already in their lives.  WHY, WHY must they suffer this, the most unbearable of ALL losses?

When the phone call came on Tuesday morning, I just screamed at my sister..."NO, you can't be telling me this."  And pretty much, I've cried since then.  I cry for these amazing parents, my friends that I love soooo much.  I cry for this sweet boy and a life cut short.  I cry because the parents faith is so strong, and they,in all their sorrow have a perspective that is so Eternal and have said "perhaps it was his time, and Heaavenly  Father needed him more than us."  I share their faith, their beliefs, and I KNOW that I am NOT in a place spiritually or emotionally to say such things.  Their good-ness overwhelms me.

I know in my heart that Jaxon IS with God, and with family members that have gone on before him.  I know that his parents will get to be with him again someday.  I believe in the Eternal sealing power of the Temple, and believe that families ARE Eternal and FOREVER.  But it does NOT make me feel any better right now.

I just wish that I could understand why some people have to suffer so much more than others.  Why are their trials so much greater?  I don't get it.  I don't appreciate it, not at all.

I've been asked to sing at the funeral, and I'm so honored.  Generally, I'm not a cryer when I sing.  I am usually very able to keep it together.  Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me, for being able to be so "un" emotional when singing at funerals.  But I'm terrified of this one.  I don't know HOW I will keep it together.  My heart hurts too much.  Thankfully my friend Jenee gave me a song that I think is so perfect.....for the survivors.

I'm going to share the words with you, and maybe they'll help all of us feel some peace.

He knows your heart.  He knows your pain.
He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today.
He sees the tears that you cry.
He knows your soul is aching to know why.
He hears your prayers, each humble word when you said you couldn't face another day he understood.
He knows the path when you walk blind.
Though you've felt alone he's never left your side.
He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words could take away your sorrow.
And no human eyes could see what you're going through.
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do, he will lift your heavy load and carry you.
He'll bring you peace and leave you hope and in the darkest night he'll comfort you until you know the sun will rise.
And each new day you will have the strength to live again.
And in the moments when no earthly words can take away your sorrow, and no human eyes can see wat you're going through.
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do.
He will lift your heavy load and carry you.

                                                      -Hillary Weeks

I think, because I am a Mother, because my children are so close to that age, it hurts even more.  And as this week has progressed, I've held them a little closer, hugged them a little tighter and thanked God a little more for each moment I have with them.  There just are not any guarantees, there are no promises that we will get to have them with us always in this life.  And so, I will cherish each moment.  I will strive to take in their sweet giggles, their silly phrases, their LOUD playing and fighting and appreciate it all for what it is.  Childhood.  My babies.  I don't ever want to take them for granted.  Because you just never know if it will be your last hug, or last kiss.

Goodbye for now sweet Jaxon

May your precious spirit comfort your family always.

We love you Tom and Joy and pray that through all of this that God will "lift your heavy load, and that he'll carry you."

It just wasn't supposed to happen like this.