Hmmm, I've thought about what or how to write my thoughts all day. Because suffice it to say this was an extremely emotionally draining day. So, I think I'll attempt to be short-ish about it.
The funeral for Jaxon was this morning and it was beautiful. I am not exagerating AT ALL when I say I was a HOT MESS. I don't remember EVER crying that much or that hard at a funeral. And actually MOST of that crying was done before.
We got there early and just walking through the foyer doors, there facing me was a display of some of Jaxon's things, and seeing his little green, scuffed up crocs was about mroe than I could take. Never mind the beautiful and plentiful pictures of him, smiling, bright, happy, alive and adorable everywhere I looked. It only got "worse" when we walked down the hall toward the room where he was. Out in the hall was another display, this time with a sign that read "my favorite things" and giant apothocary jars filled with his favorite foods like oreos and cheesepuffs, candy, etc. Trucks, tractors, goggles. Again, I had to hold back a loud and audible sob. Next we made our way into the room to give our love and condolences to Tom and Joy and see the tiny little coffin. It was gutt wrenching. I couldn't stay there long because I was literally doing the ugly cry. Jere and I stepped into a classroom so I could sob out loud. I couldn't pull it together, and I was sure there was no way I could sing.
Jere was so sweet, assuring me that I WOULD be able to do it, God would be there to help me thru, just as I needed him to. I finally said, I just need to pray. So, I took a couple of minutes and bawled to the Lord and basically said I could NOT do this without him, 'cause I was such a mess.
Anyway, I was on the program RIGHT.AFTER.TOM AND JOY. Yes, right after these amazing, beautiful, wonderful, loving, spiritual, Inspiring parents stood and talked about their darling, beloved son and his short life. Their comments were perfect and so, so beautiful. And I was ok, until Joy looked down at the casket and said goodbye to her sweet Jaxy and then quoted "I love you forevers, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."
CHECK PLEASE! I'm DONE!
At this point I leaned forward and shook with tears. My heart couldn't take it.
Tom spoke next and he was so great. He told funny stories about jaxon and had everyone laughing. He talked about all that Jaxon had taught him and shared his testimony of the gospel and his love for the Lord. I had ceased the river of tears and was mostly ok.
Before I knew it, it was my turn. At this point the Lord gave me my own miracle. I stood before that packed church building, I opened my mouth and I sang. There was very little tremor as I held back some tears. I looked down at my friends, who I don't know if you understand, but I LOVE and RESPECT SO MUCH and watched them convulse in tears. And yet, somehow, I sang, clear and strong, no tears. There was only the message of the song, the clarity of sound and the strength of the Lord holding me up.
As soon as I finished, I walked back to my seat, and shook from head to toe, and bawled.
But you know what, overall, the message of this funeral was hope. Hope in eteranal families. hope in the atonement of Christ. HOPE and Gratitude for this sweet boy and all he taught those he came in contact with in his short 3 1/2 years.
I'm honored to have been a part of it. Honored to have friends like Tom and Joy who teach ME so much by their example.
And I"m grateful for a knowledge of the Gospel and knowledge of Eternal Families.
And with that said, I'm ready to move forward. But I'm moving forward with new resolutions.
I resolve to love my children even MORE. And to tell them it even MORE.
I resolve to teach them thru the scriptures.
I resolve to play more with them, to laugh more with them, to dance and sing more with them.
And mostly I resolve to exemplify and teach them the Gospel of Jesus Christ more each day.
Thank you to all who have commented and offered prayers in their (and my behalf). It is greatly appreciated.
And thank you for hanging around in my sadness.
But it's time to move forward....