Saturday, September 4, 2010

Moving Forward

Hmmm, I've thought about what or how to write my thoughts all day.  Because suffice it to say this was an extremely emotionally draining day.  So, I think I'll attempt to be short-ish about it.

The funeral for Jaxon was this morning and it was beautiful.  I am not exagerating AT ALL when I say I was a HOT MESS.  I don't remember EVER crying that much or that hard at a funeral.  And actually MOST of that crying was done before. 

We got there early and just walking through the foyer doors, there facing me was a display of some of Jaxon's things, and seeing his little green, scuffed up crocs was about mroe than I could take.  Never mind the beautiful and plentiful pictures of him, smiling, bright, happy, alive and adorable everywhere I looked.  It only got "worse" when we walked down the hall toward the room where he was.  Out in the hall was another display, this time with a sign that read "my favorite things" and giant apothocary jars filled with his favorite foods like oreos and cheesepuffs, candy, etc.  Trucks, tractors, goggles.  Again, I had to hold back a loud and audible sob.  Next we made our way into the room to give our love and condolences to Tom and Joy and see the tiny little coffin.  It was gutt wrenching.  I couldn't stay there long because I was literally doing the ugly cry.  Jere and I stepped into a classroom so I could sob out loud.  I couldn't pull it together, and I was sure there was no way I could sing. 

Jere was so sweet, assuring me that I WOULD be able to do it, God would be there to help me thru, just as I needed him to.  I finally said, I just need to pray.  So, I took a couple of minutes and bawled to the Lord and basically said I could NOT do this without him, 'cause I was such a mess.

Anyway, I was on the program RIGHT.AFTER.TOM AND JOY.  Yes, right after these amazing, beautiful, wonderful, loving, spiritual, Inspiring parents stood and talked about their darling, beloved son and his short life.  Their comments were perfect and so, so beautiful.  And I was ok, until Joy looked down at the casket and said goodbye to her sweet Jaxy and then quoted "I love you forevers, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."


At this point I leaned forward and shook with tears.  My heart couldn't take it.

Tom spoke next and he was so great.  He told funny stories about jaxon and had everyone laughing.  He talked about all that Jaxon had taught him and shared his testimony of the gospel and his love for the Lord.  I had ceased the river of tears and was mostly ok.

Before I knew it, it was my turn.  At this point the Lord gave me my own miracle.  I stood before that packed church building, I opened my mouth and I sang.  There was very little tremor as I held back some tears.  I looked down at my friends, who I don't know if you understand, but I LOVE and RESPECT SO MUCH and watched them convulse in tears.  And yet, somehow, I sang, clear and strong, no tears.  There was only the message of the song, the clarity of sound and the strength of the Lord holding me up.

As soon as I finished, I walked back to my seat, and shook from head to toe, and bawled.

But you know what, overall, the message of this funeral was hope.  Hope in eteranal families.  hope in the atonement of Christ.  HOPE and Gratitude for this sweet boy and all he taught those he came in contact with in his short 3 1/2 years.

I'm honored to have been a part of it.  Honored to have friends like Tom and Joy who teach ME so much by their example.

And I"m grateful for a knowledge of the Gospel and knowledge of Eternal Families.

And with that said, I'm ready to move forward.  But I'm moving forward with new resolutions.

I resolve to love my children even MORE.  And to tell them it even MORE.
I resolve to teach them thru the scriptures.
I resolve to play more with them, to laugh more with them, to dance and sing more with them.
And mostly I resolve to exemplify and teach them the Gospel of Jesus Christ more each day.

Thank you to all who have commented and offered prayers in their (and my behalf).  It is greatly appreciated.

And thank you for hanging around in my sadness.

But it's time to move forward....



sarah said...

oh wow...Im just now catching up on all of this...I had tears rolling down my face, half way though your last post, and now through this one...I could not even begin to imagine the pain this family must be going through...He's their little angel now!

Jen West said...

No one should have to go through what that family did. I am sure you were a blessing for them and I am so glad you had a miracle. I bet it was amazing :)

Sarah said...

I'm very glad that God gave you the strength to give your friends that awesome gift of song. What a great way to honor them and their son.

Sarah said...

I'm very glad that God gave you the strength to give your friends that awesome gift of song. What a great way to honor them and their son.

the shoafs said...

i read that book to my kids....and every time i hear that line (or read it) it chokes me up. i'm so proud of you for making it through your song...God is such an amazing strength when we need Him. still praying for your friends.....for comfort, peace, and continued love and strength.

Kristina P. said...

Tears are welling up just reading this. Wow. I am so grateful to have the gospel.

Poppy said...

I can't get through that book without a lump in my throat and I have read it a gazillion times and I'm not exactly the hearts and flowers type.

This wasn't was I was expecting when I logged on to your site this morning and my heart breaks for you and for the parents of poor Jaxon. I think you said it best when you said you resolve to LOVE your children more and to tell them more.

At age 4, my daughter was pulled from the bottom of a pool by an attentive lifeguard when I was right there and the vision of her bluish lips cresting the surface is something I will never forget. Our situation could have had such a different ending and that is something I will never take for granted.

DianD said...

I understand from everyone that the service was beautiful and your song amazing! Wish I could have been there, but I was loving all my beautiful grandkids so you could all attent... and it was worth it. "The Lord is my strength..." is so true. Now the really hardest part for Tom and Joy is about to begin. All the support they've had this week will begin to ebb as life moves on, but our prayers will continue with them and for them and we'll know they will receive the strength they need because the Lord will be there for them ALWAYS!

Jason and Kate said...

What a tender mercy! It is a good thing that I didn't go to the funeral because I just blubbered like a baby through your post. They sound like such a neat family.

BTW...Wyatt has recently graduated from the cart as well and gets to sit like a "big boy."

LanaBanana said...

It was amazing to see you so near tears but able to sing every word. So many members of the family commented afterward and said how much the song impacted them. They wanted you to know how much they appreciated it. It was absolutely perfect.

3in3mom said...

It was beautiful and amazing! Joy and Tom are so blessed to call you friend. I am still overwhelmed with the feelings of the day. Thanks for your beautiful talent!

Pini Family said...

What a terrible accident! What a wonderful friend you are! You are amazing girl. You were the vessel that day. They heard what they were supposed to hear and feel. I am so sorry for thier loss.