Friday, December 17, 2010

With a Poo poo poo to you...

"Can I take a baff Mommy?  I NooooT splash!"

"Ok Max, yes you can take a bath."

"Maggie, wanna take a baff?"  "Mommy said yes."

And before you know it, clothes are strewn about the house, the diaper is ripped free and mr. nakey buns is running wild.  He giggles with such JOY at being naked.

"I nakey, I nakey."  "Look Mommy" (as he stops to shake his ding ding at me) And then gallops, and I do literally mean GALLOPS (cutest damn thing EVER) down the hallway. (It's too bad he is so freaking cute and he makes my heart melt all over like a pool of goo everytime he talks)

So tonight, just as he's stripped down and is running around in bliss, the doorbell rang.  It was a friend of mine stopping by to say hello.  So what, let him run I thought.  My friend and I visited for just a minute, and she was treated to the double nakey show too.

Then, Max came out of his bedroom and proudly stated...
"I poopy Mommy."

"You're Poopy?"

"Yeah, I pooped."

"You POOPED?  On the carpet?"



"Right here Mommy."  And he turns and points near his doorway.  So I cautiosly head back to peruse the damage. All the while praying under my breath, please let it be a false alarm, please let it be a false alarm.

OH BALLS!  NOT a false alarm.  Two steaming turdlets right there on the floor.

I yelled to my seasoned and experienced mother friend....what do I do with tihs?  I've never dealt with poo on the carpet.  She "rudely" laughed and said, "I'm gonna let you deal with that one, i gotta go."  CRAP!

So, I took care of it, as best I could.  And then had to chase Max down to wipe off his poop covered bum bum.

Seriously...I don't know what to think of this.  Maggie never once, NEVER did this to me.  Never took her diaper off, never ran around naked.  Never.  She has had only a couple of poop accidents after potty training, but again, NOT.ON.THE.CARPET.

Max on the other hand....crazy town.  He has figured out how to take his pants off (which was my last frontier of safety) and now has them off constantly, which generally leads to him removing the diaper.  Thankfully he has never removed a poopy diaper, just pee pee ones.  He must love the feel of the wind on his willy, free ballin, whatever.  But, a week or so ago, we had a very similar incident, except that he left his little "present" on my kitchen floor.

I'm telling you now, I don't think there is enough xanax in the world to help me through this next phase.  I don't do poop people. I just don't do it.  It's gross, and dirty and stinky and does NOT belong on the floor (or walls, or cribs or anywhere but the toilet)....EVER!

So, my hats off to you people of the poop battlefields.  I know you're all laughing, smiling, nodding your heads in all knowingness.  It's about time I had to deal, right?  I admire your fortitude, your ability to roll with those punches and clean up the hideous messes.

Pray for me, 'cause I'm gonna need it.

And to Dixie, my humblest apologies.  I fear I'm gonna have a tutu wearing, naked streaker just like Owen.  I can see how exhausting it gets to keep clothes on them, when all they do is rip it off instantly.

Freakin kids....


azandersens said...

Allyson, I so know your pain. All I can say is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This was just the beginning of our ordeal. Thanks goodness we are through it.

WhisperingWriter said...

My kids mainly just pooped in the bath, which was still pretty gross.

EG said...

I am not a mother, but I've seen this method before...are you ready? Duct tape over the diaper. It's totally what Veryl would recommend.

Reva said...

Ruuuuude! I can totally see the Dude doing this... I'm scared that it's a boy thing.. maybe you could try and brainwash him into being a girl???? You try it first and I'll join in, I promise! ;)

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Seriously, you just described my life. It's just what boys do ... at least in my experience. Here's a tip though: baby wipes (at least the Huggies brand - that's what I use) work wonders on removing poop from carpet. Seriously! It's like they have enough cleaning solution built in that all you have to do is rub a little bit (well, after you pick up the actual turds, that is).

Good luck Allyson. I feel your pain.

Sarah S. Foote said...

Gotta agree with Rita. Welcome to boys. Hopefully it will be a brief phase for Max.

Mel said...

buahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I'm sorry, but this just makes me so happy. To quote my friend Allyson when my first born was doing this crap, "Better you then me".

This too shall pass. hahahaha. Pun intended.

Kristina P. said...

I basically had to read this with one eye open. Eek!

Peggy Van Patten said...

Looks like it may be time to introduce the potty chair to mr bum-bum. Sounds like he may be ready to try. And while diaper is on DUCT TAPE works great !

DianD said...

Yea, I agree with Peggy, it's time to start potty training. FYI, for me Potty training and everything to do with it was the WORST part of parenting! This too till pass, just like everyone else has said, but in the meantime, you have my sympathies. I'm afraid I wasn't as nice as you either. Bare bums got swats -- especially when they started pooping where they shouldn't! There you have it! Guess you know you're all scarred for life because of it, too. Right? Oh well! I couldn't deal!

Grace Adams said...

Potty training was not my finest moment. One time my son climbed out of his grandparents' pool and started yelling to my mother-in-law that he had to go potty. Afraid he wouldn't make it inside by the time she dried him off, she said, "Just go in the bushes." He turned his backside to her flowers and proceeded to take a dump in her daisies. She never told him to do that again!

JerBear said...



You're a great story-teller babe!

Dixiechick said...

I accept your apology. :) Mostly because I can laugh and smile knowing that THAT stage is "behind" me. Oh, how hilarious am I? Not very. Okay, I know. But anyway, I am thinking you should be glad he graciously just dropped the duece on the ground for you and didn't decide to use it as finger paint to tell a story as Livy did. Picking up some turds off the ground is nothin' compared to cleaning up ground into the carpet poop and painted walls, closets, etc. You got it easy sister!

Poppy said...

I'm laughing with you, for you, and at you right now. I'm just so glad I'm done with this shit. Literally. Gotta love the little boys :)